Why Stillness and Attention are at the Core of Peaceful Relationships
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To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work. Mary Oliver
PHIL: I’ve been meditating recently and have discovered that when I consciously sit still, it works much better. I’m not talking about making an effort to keep my body from moving; it still rises and falls as I breathe. Making an effort is the opposite of what I am doing; by finding a point of balance, I can remain in that place without effort. It is a point of focus, just as the breath is also one; they are both places on which to focus my attention. I’m inclined to say the balance is both physical and mental.
It’s the same with relationships. If you can be with the other person and just be still, you are honoring the other person by recognizing them and seeing them. By just being there and being present, you convey that you are doing no harm. And you do yourself a favor in experiencing the other person. By being still, you can take them in completely.
So, I think this is a really good way to approach someone, and that means anyone, actually; this is not just a friends-and-family plan. Extend this practice to everybody you meet in the world, whether it’s an old friend, someone at work, someone shopping, or someone you just bump into. Whenever you interact with someone, give them your full attention. It costs you almost nothing because the interaction lasts as long as it lasts, whether you pay attention to them or not. So why not do it? It’s unlikely that you have something else to think about that demands your attention; the past is the past, and you’ve probably gone through all the what-ifs in the future.
When you do this, and the other person responds, there is a distinct sense of connection. It can be more or less, but I suspect that it doesn’t happen as much as it could or should. I have gone to the local supermarket two or three times a week for years now, and recognize most of the staff. It’s likely that they recognize me, but I never have any sense of connection, which is understandable considering they see thousands of customers a day. The extent to which strangers acknowledge each other is more common in small communities and missing in large cities. But in quieter situations, use your breath and your knowledge of stillness to be with the people you meet. Even if the stance is not recognized or reciprocated, it will have an effect. They are in their world with their problems; make their world a little lighter.
Sorry if that’s a little preachy; perhaps this is just me, an introvert, talking to myself and charting a course. I feel that these days, I am paying more attention to being and less to doing, and that focuses my attention on feelings more than words and explanations. Not that I don’t have plenty of thoughts left! I can only write of life from my perspective, yet I am sure that many, many of us are looking at life differently and seeing that connection is more important than material goods.
MAUDE: The other night, Phil was sharing how his practice of sitting and being still has clarified for him the importance of bringing himself to every encounter he has. I find this one of the most obvious, and yet, the most often ignored ways of bringing peace to your relationships and to the world. Does that sound like a massive overstatement? Well, perhaps it is, but I stand by it.
For me, paying attention, truly being present with others when you interact with them, serves like a magic wand to transform those interactions. When we listen to others and take the time to understand their way of communicating, it is a palpable thing. The person senses your presence and your willingness to share, and it immediately alters the exchange.
Being with someone, even if it is a short, chance encounter, changes both you and the other person. When you apply this in your closest relationships, it offers profound experiences.
What do I mean by ‘being with someone’? I mean that you are there in the moment with them. You are not on your way to someplace else, not in your mind or your body. In fact, time fades away a bit, as there is no motion to or from where you are when you are fully present. You are available to the other, or at least as much as you can manage to be (the more, the better). The exchange is spontaneous and carries no judgments, issues, or desires to debate or to be right.
The connection is in and of itself what is happening. When you approach someone in this way, it is calming. It is soothing. This way of being together creates a relaxed atmosphere of pleasure. We all want to be seen and heard. We all want to be known for who we are. When someone has stopped the clock and is quietly just there, being with you, it creates a forum for trust, truth, and openness. It allows humor, playfulness, and joy to enter.
You are then creating together with the other person. You are realizing the peace that can exist between each of us and making it a reality.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: This is what paying attention looks like
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