Make Service a Core Value in Your Relationships

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

MAUDE: One of the signs of a peaceful relationship is when the element of service to the other person is a core value for that relationship. Although it is an integral part of peaceful relating, this aspect is seldom noticed as such.

What goes into recognizing and acting upon being of service in any particular connection? It is first important to realize that this is a value in your relationships. Once that is clear in your mind, you can begin to look at how you might do it.

Learning what this is takes paying attention to the other person, and being open to listen and hear what they might need or want for support. Sometimes, one of the best services you can offer is the act of listening without judgment or any attempt to fix the other person. When someone feels heard, it brings a sense of calm and peace. It also helps them to hear themselves and they can frequently solve their own issues once they speak them aloud.

Being open is a key to true service. I have a friend who wanted to support another mutual friend in a difficult time. She wrote to that friend offering her help, with a list of all the things she could do for that person. It was a truly lovely offer. And yet, it did not take into consideration what the other person might want or need. I advised saying she was available to help, and instead of offering a list, to ask what she might do. This led to several actions that were suggested by her friend. They were not on the original list, and gave an opportunity to be of service in a way desired, and not even thought of on her own.

When being of service to another, it is necessary to be able to put yourself to the side and put someone else in the primary position. The ability to do this is contingent on how needy you yourself are. Phil refers to this as growing into the age of service. It does indeed take some inner growth to be able to be with someone and have them front and center in your feelings and thoughts. I find, at the same time, that as you act in service, your self-centeredness diminishes by the very act of doing this service.

These actions do not have to be large, grandiose gestures. It is the little everyday things that bring service into any relationship. And it is those offered and received on a consistent basis that bring loving peace into the center of togetherness in any relationship.To be of service, put yourself to the side and put someone else in the primary position #quote Share on X

PHIL: It seems to me that as children, we have all sorts of needs that our parents provide, though often imperfectly—food, shelter, praise, and love—and even after we leave home, we have an expectation that we are still due those things. We look to relationships to assuage that continuing sense of neediness, but they can’t because that lack is within us.

But as we gradually learn that we are sufficient unto ourselves, we shift from looking for what will complete us to feeling that a relationship adds to us.

I don’t want to make out that our needs have vanished. There are many things that relationships can offer: companionship, sex, support, shared resources. The difference is that we no longer feel we are owed, and we can move from a mindset of taking to one of giving. We can be of service to others.

Of course, helping each other is a part of being human, and we have always done so—even infants exhibit empathy—but to move into the age of service is to recognize our connections and share our humanity.

And this is the basis of a peaceful relationship, because there is nothing to fight for. It explains well how Maude and I get on. It has always been somewhat of a mystery to me as to why we never clash on things, because there are many differences in how we think and act. Coming from an attitude of service means that we can adjust our responses as an act of service to the other, and this happens so willingly that it contains no hint of compromise, and indeed, is so natural it is almost invisible.

I want to end by saying that I write only from my experience and your perception of service may be very different from mine. But think about what you take, what you give, and what we can all do for each other.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Robot waitress

Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!