How to Find Joy, Peace and Inner Strength Through Your Relationships
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When we write these posts, we sit down, talk together, then write separately. This offers you the same subject from two different perspectives with a certain amount of overlap.
PHIL: We usually pick what to write about by looking at how we have been this week, and a large part of that has been the news that has been swirling around at a dizzying rate. But there is also the flip side of how we are when we switch off the news.
It’s not so much a retreat from the world as a parallel world, a different world where Maude and I exist.
So let me try and describe it. We’ve often talked about differences and acceptance, and this is a description of the consequences of those practices. There is a feeling of joy at being in this relationship. It’s not a frenetic joy, a roller-coaster rock concert surfing sense of exhilaration; it is a quiet joy, a satisfaction, a peace, a calm.
It might seem a contradiction to bundle joy and calm together, but they reinforce each other: the joy of being with Maude creates a great calm, and the calm at our center is a source of great joy.
We both have this; we recognize it within ourselves and within the other person, and the existence within both of us makes a larger place of peace where we can exist, a place that would be harder to achieve and maintain on my own.
It stems from (or creates, I’m not sure which is cause and effect) having so much trust in each other. We trust that the other person is gentle and understanding. Is honest and will also say the truth in the kindest way possible. Knowing all those things makes it very easy to be present and deal with anything that arises.
This place is my counterpoint against the rigors of the world.
MAUDE: We usually sit down to write the post for the week and take a look at what has happened that could show methods of having peaceful relationships; things that occurred within our direct experience of our relationship with each other, or with friends and close ones. The noise from the outside world is so disturbing again, that we decided to take a slightly different tack.
We saw a play on parallel universes last weekend, and that got us thinking about the parallel universe that runs in our lives apart from the mighty movements of the world outside them. This is not to retreat from interfacing or being active, but rather to acknowledge that there is another whole and very important universe occurring between us in all our relationships. This is the one that gives us strength and brings peace to our lives.
There are many vital things that we experience continuously within our close relationships. They sustain us. First and foremost is joy. The direct connection with another is a source of this. What we share is a source of it: the humor, shared travails and successes, the warmth and love. It is a passionate peace that arises through this connection and shared joy.
That joy produces a calm and an ability to reach a place of balance, even within a storm. This calm is not frenetic, but rather is the quiet center of these connections. This never strays too far from a sense of inner balance, and when it does, we are there to support one another through it.
Much of this can be accomplished alone, without these deep connections to others. Yet, that can often only be done with much struggle and unnecessary distress. And it will never produce the kind of joy and pleasure that sharing within relationships does.
So, in these stressful and strenuous times, create deeper relationships, turn to your loved ones, experience the joy and the pleasure associated with true connection. Then, spread that peace around you with passion and knowledge gained through direct experience that peace is possible and it feels great!
Photo credit: Sonia Rose Simona
Photo note: Iris’s Mahjong group
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Thanks for this good reminder that this world is but a layer of God’s world and we can choose what we want to see. There’s so much beauty to appreciate. Every day brings new opportunities to learn how to serve my purpose. Life is good and I thank God. Blessed be.
Esther
Thank you Maude and Phil. Nurturing trust and safety are the first steps toward calm and joy in our closest relationships. This is not always a natural process. Depending on the background of each member of the relationship, often guidance or therapy is required. I became a counselor hoping to find answers to my misery but did not. On the upside I was able to help many teenagers in their rocky journey to adulthood. But I come from a family where distrust was spread from our mother throughout our immediate and extended family. It became second nature to me. I’ll never forget her words “Don’t let those boys take advantage of you.” I can hardly believe now, several decades later, she was referring to our three tiny elementary school age sons. I left the home @ 18…but stayed close with visits and holidays. This is all I knew, family as drama filled as it was, meant everything to me. Distrust and control at all cost impacted my marriage, and nearly destroyed my relationship with our sons. On a positive note I have been working consistently on myself, learning to trust not react, and it has improved my level of joy and my husband’s. He has stayed with me throughout; a strong optimistic man who provided for his family through 40 years until retirement. The past is the past and as much as I yearn to I cannot change it. I let all whom I love know how much they mean to me. Regularly. For now, loving life, despite national and world upheaval, is all I can do.
Maureen
Thank you, Maureen for this deeply personal sharing. Trust not just react is a wonderful path forward. We wrote a post on how effective it is to stop and then ask yourself, “What is important here?” Pausing gives you time to breathe and assess. https://philandmaude.substack.com/p/how-to-avoid-relationship-conflicts-with-one-little-word