The Secret to Peaceful Relationships is Balance, not a Balance Sheet
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PHIL: By keeping lists, I mean a situation where someone is tracking the contributions of each person to make sure the other person does their fair share. Maybe it’s counting how many times each person does the washing up, or maybe each person does different things that have to be weighed against each other to measure their value. This is a transactional view of relationships; they are valued for what you can get out of them. It comes from seeing people as individuals, each struggling in a Darwinian sense for resources.
The opposite view of people is that we are social animals who live in a group, and groups hold together through fairness and empathy. The truth is that we are both individuals and members of a group at once, but a relationship works much better when you treat it as a group of two. When you both bring an attitude of fairness, then tracking who did what becomes an exercise of balance, not bookkeeping. When you have a belief that each of you is doing the best they can, you can relax. You can set aside the entire effort of caution and vigilance. Act positively; give them the benefit of the doubt. Tap into that sense of fairness that we all have, that we want the best for each other. Once you see that the other person has fairness at heart by the way they live their life and treat other people, you can move into a different, peaceful space.
You can practice fairness with everyone. When you act and treat other people fairly, it is seen and recognized and returned in kind. This is how peace spreads in the world.
MAUDE: In our discussion of peaceful relationships, we often write about knowing we are on the same side and how important this understanding is to peaceful relationships. I have been thinking lately about that in terms of list-making. I don’t mean to-do lists. I’m referring to lists that measure, lists that count who does what in a relationship, or who does more.
I learned a lot about this behavior with one of my closest and longest friends. She loved me dearly and always profoundly shared her inner self and wished me the best. She was consistently there in my life in many places around the world, but when we weren’t in the same places, she rarely reached out on her own to make contact. Over the years, there were numerous times when I felt keenly that I was the only one making those contacts. Whenever this began to bother me, I talked with her about it. Eventually, with time, I came to accept that this was how and who she was, and that it meant nothing other than that.
This kind of accounting as a modus operandi creates separation rather than connection. When you are measuring or judging someone, you are stepping back from them; you are creating distance. Occasionally, this points to something that needs to be discussed and reflected upon. Most of the time, though, it serves to create a wedge between people. Within peace, there is a knowing that there is only one side. In our relationships, we naturally gravitate toward fairness. This is key for the relaxed, calm interactions that occur when peace prevails.
Phil and I can sense if there is an imbalance that is causing a disturbance. We do our best to communicate with each other when this occurs, and we do that by sharing how we feel, not through blame or accusation. We always move toward balance because that is what feels the best to both of us. I don’t mean a path that requires doing and thinking the same thing. It is more a feeling, a sense of rightness when things are in balance. Phil and I maintain balance, but not a balance sheet. This applies to all our deepest relationships.
All of us have different skills and different deficits; activities that are easier or more difficult. That is one of the things that makes relationships so fascinating, and enables them to add to the lives of those who share freely. This is where peace is found.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: A man in the doghouse
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