A True Connection Between People Brings Peace and Joy

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PHIL: A few days ago, I had the sense that I wasn’t giving you enough attention; that I was wrapped up in myself and my thoughts and resented being disturbed and intruded on. I thought that that’s not a very nice way to be, so I’ve been looking at that, and when you come with something, I’ve been thinking of it in terms of Gottman’s requests for attention. I have been giving you attention by just getting into the present, and I’ve been enjoying the feeling. It’s not even as if it’s an effort. It’s simply a switch from one way of behaving to a slightly different way of behaving. Slightly different, but with a big effect. So that’s what’s been going on with me. And I don’t know if you have any experience of that or if it was all internal to me.

MAUDE: So, I didn’t recognize what you described to me in those terms, but I did have an experience that was different, and so I now know what it was coming from. It was just that everything felt softer. I think that’s because there was more connecting, as you described it. And that’s how we come together, because what I was feeling was the experience of when you really connect with another person, when what you’re doing together, and when you’re relating, is truly connecting. So, by you being responsive when I approached you, by giving me your attention, and not feeling resentful, or as though you were being interrupted—those were your words—what I experienced was something softer, like a gentleness, and a feeling of goodness. That sense was coming from the fact that there was more connection going on; noticeably more, although I didn’t think of it that way. I just thought this is very nice; this feels soft and gentle and connected. I didn’t feel disconnected before, but I’m talking about the actual experience of connection. Having nothing to do with any sense of disconnection.

PHIL: Right. And is this in the last what, three days or so?

MAUDE: Yes.

PHIL: What I find interesting is that you have an experience of the event, the change, whatever. And I have a completely different description of it, but when I say it, you go, Oh I can see that. Am I right?

MAUDE: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. I wouldn’t have said it in those words, but it is what I felt, right?

PHIL: And when you describe what it was for you, it fits with what I am saying.

MAUDE: It’s a recognizable thing. So, even though these two stories sounded so different, they actually were the same thing; just my words and yours were different. I didn’t know your side; I just knew what I was experiencing. As you were describing your change in behavior, my thoughts were on the joy and pleasure that actual connection brings.

PHIL: Yeah, I’m struggling to put words on what the sense of this is. It’s a sense of being with you. That we are on the same page, that we’re grokking something and each other together. We’re in touch with the same sense of peace. Lots of phrases like that. I’m sorry to come up with only cliches. This feeling is so nonverbal because it is the experience of meeting you.

I noticed this lack of attention when I was writing my morning pages. I was at first embarrassed and ashamed, but I thought you know, we don’t ever keep anything from each other. I could just say this. And the sense of being in a place where that’s possible is wonderful. That is a huge amount of what this relationship is for me.

MAUDE: Being able to share your process openly without worrying that you might be judged instead of experienced, or that some weird negative response would happen.

PHIL: Right. That’s a strong part of it. It’s really interesting to look at it and go, “Yeah, this really exists. It’s not just a theoretical place on the horizon.” And its very existence has a slightly magical quality. Can it be possible this is real?

MAUDE: (laughing) I just wrote the same thing down; when you don’t have tension and disharmony, you can fully enjoy the magic that connecting with another person brings.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Connecting

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