How Can You Increase Quality Time in Your Relationship?

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We’ve spent many years looking at why we have a peaceful relationship, and one of the things is that we consistently spend time together, not only in activities like writing this blog, but time together without any plan.

This is a large part of why we feel so connected, and you can increase the peace and closeness with your partner by doing the same. Choose a quiet place and time when you can be together. Mornings or nights are good; it’s hard to give full attention when other distractions abound.

In this space, there is nothing but the room, you and your partner. You can talk or not talk; touch or not touch; this is an experience of being, not doing. Pay attention to what it is like to be in the presence of this other person, but also look for the experience of the relationship itself. This is not how you feel about the other person; it is a sense of a third entity that is neither you nor your partner.

This is an exercise in being present; it is not about what happened or what you want to happen; it is about what is happening right now with you and between you. A relationship is a living thing, as shown by the fact that it is always spoken of in the present tense. You don’t say of your partner that you had a relationship or that you will have a relationship; no, you have one. Yes, you have a shared past and the security that comes from expectations of a shared future, but the emotional heart of a relationship is always in the present.

But how can you do this if all is not well between you? How do you handle hurt, betrayal, distrust if has built up between the two of you? Of course all of that happened, but you don’t build a connection with the other person by revisiting the events of the past. They no longer exist; all that remains is their consequences. The way forward is to speak in the present tense; speak of your feelings right now. What caused them and how other people contributed is secondary. Pay attention to your body, its tensions, its pains. Look at how you are breathing. Talk about what is happening right now.

The emotional heart of a relationship is always in the present #quote #relationships Share on XIn a similar way, don’t try to solve anything. That’s the future, and it’s not in the room with you right now. Leave it where it is and just continue speaking in the present tense.

This approach probably feels completely unnatural. What about fairness, blame, responsibility? How could you have been treated so badly? Letting go of the attitude of being on opposite sides is a big mental shift, but it is key to having a sense of connection. It’s the nature of change to feel peculiar, so just explore this alternate attitude.

Whether or not you have disagreements with your partner, spending time together as described will greatly improve the quality of your relationship. Being present with each other by conscious choice brings a depth of connection and a feeling of ease and peace. It’s such a simple thing, and produces such a profound result.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Boardwalk at Cambria, CA

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