How to Cut Out Snippiness in Your Relationships
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MAUDE: Phil and I have been reflecting on snippiness; both being snippy and being related to in a snippy way. The dictionary defines it as: “a manner of speaking or behaving that is curt, abrupt, and often rude or disrespectful. It implies a lack of patience, a tendency to be sharp-tongued.”
How does it feel? What do we do when feeling snippy or being treated with snippiness? How does it affect the experience of peace in a relationship?
One thing I know for certain is that it doesn’t feel good! I don’t like it when I’m related to that way, and I definitely don’t like it when I feel inclined to react that way.
Both of these presuppose awareness. Yet, often, people are unaware of when they behave in this manner. It has become a habit pattern, and is done without the intention to hurt or distress the other person. It is a sign of not being fully present. Being impatient (a frequent cause of snippiness) means you want to be elsewhere than where you are; you want to alter time or the other person. It is always disrespectful, whether done consciously or not. Compounding the distressing element of this behavior is the fact that people frequently exhibit this type of behavior with those closest to them, with those they feel safest with, and care the most about.
Snippiness always disturbs the flow and the peace within a relationship. Always. It brings separation, discomfort, and defensiveness
I am dedicated to creating and enhancing peace within my relationships. I am not interested in anger, disharmony, or being right. My interest is in learning about the other person and how we can support each other. This is not to say that I do not feel snippy sometimes toward loved ones. When I get that irritated, impatient response to Phil or another dear one, I notice it quite quickly. There is a disturbance, even when rather small, in the force which I do not wish to hold onto. I will usually withdraw to my own space. I frequently speak my snippy response out loud. Yes, I talk out loud to myself, which often causes me to laugh at myself. Voilà, snippy moment gone.
I realize that I have choices about how I act and react. I choose the vibrant rich life that peaceful relationships offer. I want to be aware and present in my interactions with others. I am not always successful, but I am on that path. When we create relationships where both parties seek to be loving and kind, to be aware and present with each other, we have the power to remake the world.
PHIL: Today, we’re talking about how to avoid snippiness, and the obvious approach is to offer advice on what you should and shouldn’t do. But I think it is more useful to describe how Maude and I behave.
We’re not snippy with each other because we each do our own thing, and it’s not our job, responsibility or right to try to change each other. This is a key part of living together peacefully, but it can be hard to let go of the sense of needing to control other people.
We’re not snippy with each other because we know it just creates more trouble in the future. It might feel good in the moment, but its aftermath makes it a bad choice. You have to handle the feelings that generate snippiness in a different way.
We’re not snippy with each other because we know how to look inside, find out what annoys us, and deal with it on our own. The ability to be self-reflective is an essential part of taking charge of your life, otherwise you are just a billiard ball being pushed around by the cue of your emotions.
We’re not snippy with each other because we don’t have a backlog of resentments that power the antagonism. Living that way colors your whole life; it saps your energy and reduces your ability to focus because it is a constant background distraction.
We’re not snippy with each other because we know that when issues arise, we can talk about them, uncover the reasons for what disturbs us, and find a way to deal with them. It has been a wonderful experience to discover that we can handle whatever comes up without seeing the other person as the enemy.
We’re not snippy with each other because we don’t want to live that way. We have found such peace in the way we are together that we take great care to always recognize and honor that space.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
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All so true! While it is easy to slip into an irritated snappy and snippy tone; it definitely helps no one. With the collective mood contributing to a new high level of anxiety, clearly it is more important than ever to hold sacred, interpersonal kindness. It’s truly up to each individual to check into a deeper softer level of verbal civility and bring that toward each exchange…
Iris
How beautifully said! Thank you, Iris. We can change things if we each do our part. We need that now, more than ever!
Maude
I appreciate these insights. It’s a good reminder to take a breath when I’m feeling tense, so that when I speak, it will be from the higher realms of my mind rather than from my lower mind, which tends to react to feelings.
Esther
That is always a good technique – Stop and take a breath. Stop and ask yourself, what is important here.
thank you
Maude
Important post, and a reminder to stay in the heart as I relate. If I feel frustrated, I need to own that and not project onto the other. Thank you!
Gail
Thank you Gail, for your always wise perspective!
Maude
This comment was posted on our site on Substack: https://substack.com/@philandmaude
So well said, thank you Phil and Maude! What resonates especially is where you explain that “we should look inside, find out what annoys us, and deal with it on our own.” I always say that any annoyance or conflicting feelings are often our own inner conflicting feelings, and we need to work through them before involving the other.
Anna
Yes, if we can recognize that what we experience comes from us, and that we truly have a choice of how we react and respond to things, we are a long way down the road to peaceful relationships!
thank you
Maude
This was posted on our Substack site:https://philandmaude.substack.com/
Great post!
Yes, whenever I’m feeling snippy, I know it’s time to give myself a break, to rest and recharge alone. I’m teaching my two young kiddos it’s okay to give each other breaks, too.
Marisa
Thank you Marisa. It is so helpful to know the different ways that people deal with their own feelings of snippiness. It is a wonderful gift to give your children these tools early in life. Now there’s a way to spread peace one relationship at a time!
Maude