How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships
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PHIL: One challenge in talking about peace is that it is thought of as an absence, a cessation, a lack of activity, as in “the peace of the dead.” I would rather describe it as a state of being. I can be in a state of confusion or anger or annoyance or depression or any number of things, and peace is simply a state like any of those, except, of course, different. I’m not annoyed or angry or bored. But it is distinctly a state that I am, even if it is defined mainly by what it is not.
And what about positive states: a state of joy or ecstasy, or calmer states like contentment, relaxation, acceptance? They arise from being peaceful, from having a lack of conflict.
This is first and foremost an experience, and the words are aspects of it. It is a state of being, not doing, though doing can arise from it and create a flow state. Because our culture is so focused on doing, not being, this peaceful state isn’t something that is commonly described and talked about, so people don’t think about it, and therefore don’t look for it, but it’s not until you look at something that you see it.
I don’t want to make out that this is some wonderful rare state; I think a lot of people are peaceful without even knowing it or articulating it.
What this conversation has pointed out to me is the extent to which I am at peace, and I see it’s considerable, but not perfect. There are millions of people out there whom I haven’t met but have read about and find to be irrational, vindictive, and unfair. They live in my head and create furious arguments. How can I be at peace if I treat them as my enemy? They’re not my friends, for sure, but to be at peace within myself, I have to accept people like that. Isn’t this an interesting challenge? I have to live on this planet with them, so why on earth would I want to treat them as my enemy? Being aggressive toward someone like that instantly escalates because it makes them feel defensive, so I absolutely cannot do that. I need to accept that they have their own reasons and feelings for how they are. (Issues of self-defense have been discussed since biblical times, and I do not want to explore the ethical nuances here. I have written elsewhere about the paradox of tolerance and when the golden rule should be replaced by karma.)
Maude told the story of a friend who says inside herself, “I love you” to every stranger she passes, and I want to practice something equivalent myself. I think being at peace and offering peace to others, whether they deserve it or not, and whether they receive it or not, is a worthy way. It is not a limited resource: “I’ve been gracious to six people today; that’s over my quota.” Instead, it’s like a muscle that strengthens with practice.
MAUDE: Phil and I recently attended a celebration of life that left a deep impression on me. The woman being celebrated had the ability to be of good cheer consistently, and taught and uplifted many from this place of profound joy. As I listened to the stories of how she impacted so many on her life’s path, I heard over and over how passionate she was in her life. She pursued her loves with great intensity, with the tenacity and discipline that arose from it.
And I thought of peace and how peace is a state of being that is filled with passion.
Often, people do not recognize the actuality of peace, even when they have it. And far too many do not have it at all in their lives. In their mind, peace exists as a conception of something. People imagine that peace is devoid of feeling; that it is a place of emptiness. They think of peace as an absence of a variety of things, not a state unto itself. Yet, peace is very real and becomes known through direct experience, combined with awareness.
Often, knowing begins through belief and intention. It becomes possible to grasp this experience by acknowledging its possibility, seeking for its taste, and then grabbing the feeling and naming it. Peace. Each time this happens, you know a bit more about what it is and how to get there.
Peace is both a state of being and an action. It has a recognizable flavor. It has power and is full of joy. Peace creates a strength that carries you through the challenges of life. It is a passionate experience. It is a choice. It does not contain fear. It does not create distance between the one who is at peace and others, nor does it create distance toward the world.
Peace craves to exist within relationships and can be applied to all interactions. When coupled with love, peace sings with a Siren’s song.
Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Lotus leaves at Lotusland
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I appreciate what you say about peace. I think it entails being open to whatever happens. When I lose my state of peace, it’s usually because I get triggered by what I view as injustice to myself or to someone else. I think being patient helps create a state of peacefulness.
Esther
Indeed, the experience of injustice or unfairness often gets us reacting, rather than responding after pausing to chose that response. Thank you for sharing how you handle these moments.
Maude
I’ve re-read today’s blog several times. There has been some references to “peace” being a non-active state. I find this extremely puzzling so I took my time to respond. No doubt that each individual may differ dramatically as we live through each day. For me, PEACE is about mental health. I actively notice when I am not in touch with my INNER PEACE. Many times during each day, each phone call, each activity or witnessing outer events I can feel how it affects my INNER SELF,my mental state.. This is a constant sense of wanting to feel calm and re-setting my center. It is an active practice from waking to sleep. These days it is easy to get that fleeting feeling; a sense of losing my center and calm. However I am aware that it is only I, that can reclaim it. It is my job to cultivate and maintain this sense of calm; this balance of breath and bring that to each moment , whether I am solo or in a group or with another. I feel dedicated to knowing where it lives in myself and responsible for fostering PEACE and identifying chaos or unsettled energy. PEACE begins with me…That is my job here on planet earth. Thank you for the opportunity to explore this in depth.
Iris
Dear Iris, Thank you for sharing your direct experience of peace. I think this is a wonderful example of three people talking about the same thing in different words.
Case in point., “Maude: Peace is both a state of being and an action. It has a recognizable flavor. It has power and is full of joy. Peace creates a strength that carries you through the challenges of life. It is a passionate experience. It is a choice.” Phil: “This is first and foremost an experience, and the words are aspects of it. It is a state of being, not doing, though doing can arise from it and create a flow state.” Iris: ” It is an active practice from waking to sleep. These days it is easy to get that fleeting feeling; a sense of losing my center and calm. However I am aware that it is only I, that can reclaim it. It is my job to cultivate and maintain this sense of calm; this balance of breath and bring that to each moment , whether I am solo or in a group or with another”.
In each of these different examples, we are each saying that peace is a state to inhabit. One that takes choice and beingness.
thank you again
Maude
Your post on bringing peace into our relationships is full of wisdom. I thank you and Phil for helping us explore the width, depth, and breadth of the extra-ordinary experiences of love and peace that are available to us.
I appreciated what you wrote: “Peace is both a state of being and an action. It has a recognizable flavor. It has power and is full of joy. Peace creates a strength that carries you through the challenges of life. It is a passionate experience. It is a choice. It does not contain fear. It does not create distance between the one who is at peace and others, nor does it create distance toward the world.”
Peace is a dynamic state of equanimity that we can cultivate and carry into the noise and confusion of the world. It enables us to skillfully think and act without being sucked into arguments and disagreements between the minds of different people. I like the fact that you said it does NOT contain FEAR. Thank you for your ever-wise observations and sharing them so faithfully with those who have an ear to listen.
Elisabeth
Thank you so much for this loving feedback. I really appreciate you feeding our words back to us with your wise words added. And I love your statement that “Peace is a dynamic state of equanimity that we can cultivate and carry into the noise and confusion of the world.” Thank you for hearing and understanding.
Maude