How to See and Be Seen in Your Relationships
Podcast: Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
“O, wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!” Robert Burns
PHIL: Maude met with someone from her past who reminisced about how he remembered her, and this blew Maude’s mind because her recollection of the time was that she didn’t feel seen.
I have a different story to tell. In the first two or three years of our knowing each other, Maude would sometimes describe how she saw me, and it was so much more positive than my own assessment. Her descriptions helped me to reassess my self-perception.
We all need to feel seen. Weird, isn’t it? Our personal existence feels so real to us, and yet the recognition of others has an alchemical effect. It might be one-on-one; it might be the adulation of an audience, but I think we all feel completed by the mirror of others.
To be seen like this, you have to share yourself. There are two parts to this. You have to know yourself; you have to look inside, be self-reflective. That’s hard work. Unless you’re perfect, there are plenty of imperfections that are hard to face. Then there are wants, needs, and values. Those can get lost in our need to fit in with other people.
It is all of this that you have to share in order to feel seen. That’s scary. It feels risky; you’re making yourself vulnerable. You might not be accepted.
So when someone is sharing with you, accept them. Of course, to do that, you have to pay attention; you have to listen and be present. You’ll have opinions, too: you might think that you would never do that, or it’s the wrong approach. So what? That’s who they are. If you criticize, you just shut down that channel.
There is a potential contradiction here; in order for the person to feel seen, they have to know that you have seen them; how can you convey that without imposing your own opinions and viewpoints? You need to be kind and caring, but honest, too. It is, after all, yourself that you are sharing in turn.
MAUDE: The other day, I was talking with someone I’ve known for many decades. They were talking about how I was way back when, and I was astounded to find out that they had the same perception of me back then as I had of myself. I was surprised because I really never felt seen by this person, and especially not in the deep way they described.
I can only assume that although they did truly see me, they never communicated it with their words or actions in a way that I felt it. There is a two-headed nature to this all-important part of relationships: being seen, and sharing who we are so that we can be experienced for who we are. There is a delicate balance of these things, and it takes a back-and-forth flow of sharing and taking in what is shared to create a really joyful and peaceful relationship.
In order for this to occur, you have to be present with the other person when you are with them. Just as “You cannot love if you are not there” is true, you cannot experience the essence of another if you are not there. It requires attention and interest. You have to want to know someone and pay attention to all they communicate: tone of voice, physical cues, words. The more you can listen without judgment, wanting to fix or readjust someone, the more you will learn about who they are.
We are all so busy with our own inner worlds, and to perceive and enter someone else’s world, we need to set that aside and open to the other with our attention. Magically, when we offer this kind of attention, it helps others to open up and share their inner person.
This stance can also help if you are feeling irritated or impatient with another. Instead of focusing on the little, often petty, annoyances of life, remember to tune into the essence of the other person, the part you love and appreciate. Use the old “stop and ask yourself what is important here” technique to get back to an interaction that holds value for both of you.
For me, what’s important is to know and be known, to see and be seen.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Bronze statue by J. Seward Johnson Jr.
Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.
Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.
This morning’s topic is deep and delicate. I believe it’s about self reflective thinking and truly wanting to know oneself. This inner journey then shared with others really requires a willingness to accept our imperfections and love who we are; exactly the way we are. Only in this way can we share deeply with another who is also willing to take that journey. Sure, we may want to move into a gentler way. And find the neutral spot within ourselves that can listen to another openly…setting the stage for both persons to be seen. I like the willingness to be seen, as you discuss being seen in ways we cannot see our selves. Perhaps we are more critical of ourselves and don’t see some of the radiance others may see. The truth is this journey expands each individual and takes TRUST. And a leap of faith. We each have the human sparkle and sharing it is a gift. I have learned so much from the deep exchanges and can only encourage each person to jump in to each other’s hearts and be seen and heard.
Iris
After such a beautiful expansion on this topic, I am left without words. Just much love! Thank you for this beautiful sharing.
Maude
I just listened to this article and I am so grateful for Phil’s clarity as he is so easy to understand. His tempo, dynamics, and enunciation are part of it, and of course his accent is very pleasing to the ear. My tired eyes thank you for taking the time to gift us with this.
As my husband and I are working on communication, this is a super-helpful and timely article! We will practice this today as a Mother’s Day gift to me, and will let you know how it goes.
Jinjee
This article really hit home for me. I like what you said about how the recognition of another has an alchemical effect. Accepting people and being accepted involves the willingness to be open to ideas that are different from your own. This can be unsettling, but it doesn’t have to be. When we can share ideas without worrying about who’s right, we open the channels to learn and grow.
Esther
Dear Esther,
It is true that seeing someone involves acceptance of that person although it is not about agreeing or disagreeing, but rather listening with intent to understand and being interested in who that person is and how they feel and think. In order to be seen, You need to share who you are as well. As we said in last week’s post, Be loving today, you can be right tomorrow!
Maude