How to Train for a Better Relationship
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MAUDE: This week we went to an amazing place right here in Santa Barbara. The Toy Train Museum is a mysterious place near the corner of State Street and Victoria St., just a few blocks from our house. Why mysterious? Because it is only open on Saturdays between 10:00 and 1:00. Phil and I are train lovers; both toy and life-size! We were not disappointed in this amazing collection. It is curated by a 92-year-old man who has original Lionel trains in many sizes, whole trains, and their boxes, along with other train memorabilia. There is also a fabulous remote-controlled set of working trains in a wonderful large scenery with all the original cars and shops, stations, and little people, as well as mountains and tunnels, etc.
By now you are probably asking why does this belong on our page about peaceful relationships. Well, this has to do with a new element that we have added to our relationship experiences. Every week we take turns suggesting an outing (as in outside the house) adventure for both of us to go on together. This is an outgrowth from our card game that we wrote about some weeks ago, and has evolved into a wonderful part of what we do together.
As we were talking about how we are, and what is happening with us, this new foray into the unknown side of being together came up and seemed a great thing to introduce here. This sense of adventure and newness has added a fun and playful aspect that we are both enjoying. Doing it on a regular basis every week, as well as taking turns in making and offering a plan, is bringing a new creative element into our togetherness as well.
This reminds me of the artist’s play date that Julia Cameron describes in The Artist’s Way as part of her writing course, and for the development of creativity. Our date is with two of us, so I guess we could call it a relationship play date.
…What exactly is an artist date? An artist date is a block of time…set aside and committed to nurturing your creative consciousness, your inner artist…In its most primary form, the artist date is an excursion, a play date that you preplan and defend against all interlopers. Julia Cameron
In many ways, my last birthday celebration is another version of these same elements. This whole year, I have been taking time to just be together with deep friends and relatives on trips, or just for a few hours together alone, to celebrate our relationship and to be consciously present with each other.
Being present with each other is something that happens almost automatically in these excursions Phil and I have been doing weekly. We have chosen to take the time, and are spending this time with each other for no other reason than to have a playful adventure with each other, and basically, to enjoy our relationship.
PHIL: A few weeks ago, we wrote about our plan that once a week we would pick something to do together. It’s turned out to be rather like the play date that Julia Cameron describes in The Artist’s Way. That is an aid to creativity that many people find very difficult to make happen. We’ve kept it up so far, perhaps because there are two of us. I also wrote recently about how we write our weekly posts, and that sitting down and talking with each other was an unintended but important side-effect.
So these two events together have made me realize the power of regularity in bringing its opposite – variety – into our relationship.
When we go away, whether overnight or for a few days, there is a sense that we have put aside the world and are with each other for the duration. Yes, there are times when we nap, read, or doom-scroll independently, but over the whole of the trip, there is a sense of being together and paying attention to our shared experience. It’s different from day-to-day life, where of course we connect with each other on and off throughout the day, but there, the connections could be described as accidental, rather than intentional when taking a trip.
I describe all of that to say that these weekly events have the same quality: that we have stepped away from the world for a time to be with each other. A different way to say it is that we are present with each other. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to what is actually happening, rather than thinking and planning. It’s difficult for me (your mileage may vary), but has become easier with practice. So these events have a sense of mindfulness about being with each other.
There is also the aspect that it makes me look inside and ask what I would like to do for leisure, and only after finding that, do I wonder how it would be for Maude. I think for me the experience of getting in contact with what I want is a slow process. I don’t know if that’s because my head is out of contact with my body or if it is a nonverbal sense that has to be coaxed into language. Either way, it takes a while to find and articulate.
This exercise of looking inside is very good because it’s a way of turning off the autopilot that is quite happy to drive along the comfortable routes we have established, and instead, taking those side roads that we normally zoom past without noticing.
I’m thinking that the more we do this, the more flexibility, openness, and joy we will add to our lives.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Toy train museum
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