How Tone of Voice Creates Peace in Your Relationships

How Tone of Voice Creates Peace in Your Relationships

MAUDE: There are so many seemingly little things that go into creating peaceful relationships. One of those is tone of voice. Be aware of yours when you are communicating. Is it snippy or even snarky? Is it communicating what you want it to? What effect does it have on the person with whom you are interacting?

Peaceful relationships can come down to whether or not you speak with respect, love, and kindness in your tone of voice and basic attitude. This kind of communication creates an environment of calm, openness, and comfort. Neither of us is attracted to dissonance in our relationship. As a result, we try not to speak with a tone of denigration or disregard. Often when people do this, they are just reacting from old patterns or responding hastily without noticing the feeling that this kind of tone conveys. This kind of behavior leads to many of the problems people have.

When one person is dismissive and critical in words and tone of voice, it creates a defensive posture in the other person and often sets up an argumentative tone in the relationship, or at the very least a passive-aggressive response.

It’s an odd phenomenon that we humans frequently treat the ones we love and feel safest with in the least loving manner. It’s almost as though since we know we are loved, we don’t have to share the good feelings we have with the other, but rather, can share all that is wrong or bothers us. We can let out our negative energies because we know we are loved by this person and are sure we will not be abandoned. This happens frequently between parents and children. It also comes forth with mates.

Unfortunately, this form of behavior often leads to a change in attitude toward the loved one as well. When you speak critically or without honor and respect, your attention shifts and you begin to actually see the negative and all that you feel critical of more and more. Without realizing it, your focus can change and that which you love can recede behind the screen of the imperfections you are focusing on.

Peaceful relationships come from a tone of voice filled with respect, love and kindness #quote Share on XTo return to your feelings of love and regard, start to listen to yourself. Are you expressing the love that you feel toward the other person? When was the last time you expressed that to them or to yourself for that matter? What is it you really feel toward them and is it being communicated in your tone when you speak with them?

Whether you are the person who is being criticized or the one acting in this manner, the same inner listening is required. Work with yourself. Listen to yourself. Once you have truly reviewed and become aware of your own inner feelings, compare them to what you are saying and doing. Do they match? Do you spend time letting the other person know all the good and beauty you see in them? Do you show your love in the way you treat them?

It feels really good to express appreciation and regard to those you love. It reminds you of what you treasure in them when you express it. Similarly, constantly complaining and pointing out the negative fills you with bad feelings and dissatisfaction.

Make it a practice to speak your love with words of appreciation, a tone of respect, and an honoring of the other person. This will make you feel as good as it does them! This can become a powerful practice for deepening your awareness of your own actions and what they induce in others, as well as for growing toward being more peaceful inside.

This practice brings you immediately into the present. When you pay attention to your tone of voice, it helps you to avoid acting from things in the past and habitual behaviors. You are listening and responding to what is. This frees you up to be who you are and how you feel in the present. You can be a beacon of peace and love by spreading it in the very tone of your voice.

PHIL: This started when Maude overheard someone being snippy toward their partner and talked about how uncomfortable it made her feel. We fell to musing about how the meaning of speech is carried far less in the words than in tone of voice and body language. Try saying the sentence “I never said she stole my money” seven times, stressing each word in turn. Seven different meanings! That is why emails and texts are at risk of being misinterpreted, and emojis are an attempt to compensate for this.

Your interactions with other people are sometimes on autopilot. The conversation takes its course without any control from you, like a rudderless ship. But when you pay attention to your tone of voice, you find a microcosm of how you feel about the other person.

If it is comfort, ease, pleasure, familiarity, enjoy the experience. And if it is snippy or hostile, look at why. Perhaps that is obvious already; it matches how you are feeling. But maybe you haven’t noticed how you are feeling, and this is an opportunity to be aware of your feelings and maybe act on them. Is it something the other person has said or done, or is there no reason at all? Is this your resting face, a habitual irritation at the world? Now there is something to work on!


Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Bronze statue in Santa Barbara

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9 Comments on “How Tone of Voice Creates Peace in Your Relationships

  1. Thank you for today’s post on tone and voice because it is a subject I’ve been exploring for awhile because for almost a year I have been wearing hearing aids. I’ve learned so much about what I have not been hearing, including how I hear myself. So it’s great to see your interest in this. Also at a recent woman’s retreat, I gave a presentation on what stops women from using their voice publicly. Your post has given me more to think about and incorporate. Also my partner and I are very much aware of the tone aspect and how it fits into how well we are hearing and communicating with each other. And even tones that aggravate us or sets us off an a difficult tangent. Once again, thank you always. I will look at the links you have provided. With gratitude, Barb

    • Hi Barb,
      Thank you for sharing your experiences. There is so much more to our communications than just the words. We feel anything that makes us more aware of the effect we are having on those we relate to, especially the things we don’t often pay much attention to, will help us all to have more peaceful lives with more fulfilling relationships.
      all the best
      Maude

  2. I really liked this. So many people are so unaware of this (except when they’re the receiver. I also think that people get into conflicts from text messages sometimes. There is no facial expression or tone of voice to add context to the words. Even on ZOOM,
    the information of body language is not there.
    Jane

  3. Such an excellent topic to be reminded of!
    In the past I have nullified the validity of my point by being abrasive in the way I highlighted it. A lesson to be carried close to the heart. Thank you both!

    • Hi Nomada,
      I think this is something we can all profit from paying attention to. Thank you for your honest sharing.
      Maude

  4. I love this one! Such an important message – and something to be aware of. Sometimes I don’t think people realize how their tone of voice is coming across.
    Love
    Gail

    • Hi Gail,
      I agree with you that as important as this is, often people do not pay attention to it, sometimes with dire consequences. I hope our blog will help some more people remember to monitor whether or not their tone of voice is communicating what they want it to.
      love
      Maude

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