Make Fairness a Foundation of All Your Relationships
Podcast: Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS
Life took over this week. We experienced a flurry of taking care of the important and mundane all week. The week after a holiday is often like that. Each of us was busy with our individual life tasks as well as things that keep our mutual lives running. We probably talked a bit less than usual, and each of us was out of the house taking care of this and that a bit more than is common. We still retired each night together to hang out and relax, but even then, one or the other of us was so exhausted that we just hung out, did the crossword, watched this or that, and went to sleep.
Everything got taken care of by one or the other of us. We reached those decisions according to who wanted to do it more / disliked doing it less, and we got that information from talking, hearing the tone of voice, and knowing the other person. There was no quibbling over who did what, no measuring or commenting on who was doing more or less; no anger or resentment on either of our parts about all the stuff either one of us was taking care of personally. There were no demands from either of us that the other person do ‘such and such’ instead of what they were doing.
Last night we were reflecting on this, and what became clear was that an essential part of how we made those decisions was fairness.
We’re not trying to get away with anything. We believe that things balance out in the long run. We act fairly because we trust that the other person also believes in and acts from fairness.
That trust is not one of blind faith—it comes from seeing the other person in action over time and in a number of different circumstances. We have come to know and count on the experience that each of us holds being fair as a core value. This sense of fairness is something that is foundational in our relationship, and is an important factor in the kind of peace we share.
Other people may have different ideas on what is fair: can I take some of your cookies for tea without asking? A good-faith trust in the other can usually resolve such differences, though Jonathan Haidt has found that for some people, authority and loyalty are more important values than fairness. Phil can imagine that, in those relationships, decisions are made according to the power structure. Not our thing, but you do you.
When you practice fairness in your relationships, it is transforming. It is a quiet yet powerful type of assurance that acknowledges without words that you are always on the same side, wishing the best for each other, and knowing that it is mutual.
This knowledge eliminates many of the difficulties and misunderstandings that come between people. The level of trust that grows out of this way of being together is critical when something happens that pushes one of those famous buttons that reside inside all of us.
When we rest in the knowledge that each of us strives always toward fairness, it helps immensely to transcend the reactions of those pushed buttons. The surety that we are each motivated by a sense of fairness encourages stopping, rather than reacting, and allows us to look inside and see what is happening within.
If you seek for peace within your relationships, where laughter and warmth pervade your exchanges, rather than anger and recriminations, then mutual fairness will give you that foundation.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Foothills of Mt. Whitney
Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.
Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.
Another fabulous exposé on what a good relationship is, Phil & Maude. I so agree that division of duties/chores in a fair fashion can very well create or demolish a relationship. Paul and I have distinct tasks, it just worked out that way, so we know what to do. Never have to ask each other to do it, it’s already in ‘the system.’ After college I had a lot of roommates over the years and learned the way around group discussions and chores. Maybe that assisted in my later life relationships? (or being from a large family, too). I also think humor is important. Paul and I share the same sense of humor. I just love reading about someone having a good relationship. Keep ’em coming
Jeanine
Thanks so much for sharing your direct experience. The more we accumulate interactions in close relationships, the easier these things become.
Maude
I appreciate this article on Fairness. That seems like what Jesus meant when he said to treat others the way you want to be treated. It sure makes life a lot more fulfilling.
Esther
Thank you Esther. It alleviates a lot of the stresses that people experience in their relationships when this fairness a foundation.
Maude
Hi Phil and Maude. Regarding the comment, “Jonathan Haidt has found that for some people, authority and loyalty are more important values than fairness. Phil can imagine that, in those relationships, decisions are made according to the power structure” — I haven’t read Haidt’s material, so I wouldn’t want to misinterpret by making assumptions…but I want to ask if You could explain how these two are diametrically opposed? I can easily imagine a relationship, whether personal or collective, in which the two function together seamlessly! However, I cannot imagine a relationship (especially a personal one!) truly working for both in a positive way when based on one — authority and loyalty — so I assume you’re utilizing his remarks to make a political statement? Can you clarify and expand on these? xo
Hi Lynelle: fairness and authority are not opposed so much as given different weights according to political leaning, and for some people, authority is the highest moral value, so I imagine that this applies in their personal relationships as well as their social view. As with you, I cannot imagine it truly working, but I have to accept that there must be relationships where authority is paramount, so the two people must have accepted that structure. One example is Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Phil.
Maude added that loyalty is important to many people, and I think there is a difference between loyalty that is given and loyalty that is demanded.
Phil and Maude
Yes, good, thanks both of you.
Further — clearly, there is a “180” difference between loyalty that is given freely and loyalty that was given because it was demanded. The latter is not even called loyalty, it is some entirely different term with a different meaning. It is 100%, and only that, dependent on the individual who is doing the giving. Thinking any other way is only for those who consider themselves victims of circumstance.
Lynelle
Indeed!
Maude
Ahh yes, I love this, Phil & Maude. What a beautiful way to describe one of the best attributes of what makes safe people “safe”, of what makes someone a true friend.
Marisa
Thank you Marisa. It is gratifying to know someone has read what we write and can identify.
Maude
That sense of partnership is priceless. But it can take years of trust building as I’m finding out.
Ryan
Thank you for sharing your experience. The more it is your intention, the more it will manifest in your relationships. So glad to hear from you.
Maude
I can confirm.
Ryan
100%!!
Nita