Our Relationship is Harmonious Because We Want it to Be That Way

Our Relationship is Harmonious Because We Want it to Be That Way

PHIL: We’re not primarily writing about sex this week, but it’s a useful place to start.

What are the odds that you and your sexual partner become aroused at the same time, say 8:00 PM on Friday? If arousal is a random event and you make love once a week, it’s a one in 168 chance that it happens at the same hour for you and your partner. Instead, what happens is that you are a little turned on, and your partner finds that arousing; this then turns you on some more, and the escalation continues.

Maude and I have both had some health issues recently and were less sexual than usual as a result, but it didn’t result in any disparity in desire, just more Netflix nights. We surmise that the matching of our partner’s sexuality that occurs during sex takes place all the time, so when illness reduces sexual energy for one of us, the other person reads this unconsciously and reacts to it by being less sexual in turn.

Just as we match sexually, we also fit together in the other areas of life. Washing up gets done, food gets bought, bills get paid. We marvel at how this happens so harmoniously – there are no lists, no negotiations, no quarrels, no compromises. The degree to which we match is beyond improbable, yet it is also not something we try to make happen. We have puzzled over the level of agreement for a long time. Are we an improbable match, or are we doing something without being aware of it?

The coordination of our sexual desires is an example of how such balance can occur without any conscious intent. The harmony in the rest of our interactions is because that is the kind of relationship we want to have, and so we make it happen. It is intention without effort. The actual process is like riding a bike; once you know how to ride, you stay in balance without even thinking about it.

In my teens, I belonged to Catford Cycling Club. Once someone brought a tandem to the weekly clubhouse meeting and I rode in the rear position, but I was so used to riding solo that I jerked strongly on the handlebars at the turn, threw the bike off balance and we fell over.

We do have a way of finding harmony when needed; we call it Our Process, and it consists of each of us speaking our wants and needs in turn and suggesting alternatives until we find something that works for both of us. It works both for resolving differences and making decisions. We chose our anniversary event that way, but generally we seem so attuned to each other that these days we rarely resort to using it.

You might be thinking that it’s fine for them, but my life isn’t like that. We’re here to tell you that bicycles do exist and you can learn to ride one by practicing individuality and acceptance.We have the intent toward harmony, toward peace through mutuality rather than compromise #quote Share on X

MAUDE: Intention without effort. This is a wonderful way to describe one of the mechanisms of our relationship that make it work so well. We have the intent toward harmony, toward peace through mutuality rather than compromise. We must have talked about it way back in the early days. We must have found resonance in this kind of intention. And yet, it has become such a natural part of the way we are together that we seem to do it almost without awareness at this point.

As much as that is so, it is also true that if we veered away from that intention, if we acted outside of this way of being together, it would feel very off key and both of us would notice it immediately and correct. We have a process for finding mutuality that is fun and brings an almost magical decision or resolution whenever needed.

Our relationship is grounded in knowledge of one another gained through the open undefended sharing of our inner being with each other. This is coupled with acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgment; the true honoring of the other as a unique individual.

We have written to all of these areas and you can find many blogs under any of these topics in the search box on this page.

Intention is an area where mutuality is very important. You can look for it together and set those intentions for your relationships. We want you to know, if you don’t already, that it is possible to have peaceful, harmonious relationships without giving up on what you want and need or who you are. We share our experience primarily for that reason, and then break down what the components are so that you may apply that in your way to your situation.

Join us on the adventure of living in peace within your relationships. This is a way to change the world. It is slow, but inexorable.

Photo credit: Len Thorpe, sports photographer, Finchley, London

Photo note: Phil at 17 competing in Kentish Wheelers Novices 25.

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2 Comments on “Our Relationship is Harmonious Because We Want it to Be That Way

  1. Predisposition. I can see how this presents as a balance point. With my dearest friendships, as I am not in an intimate partnership, it is easy to connect and share the struggles when we each come with an open posture and want to see through each other’s eyes. This compassionate predisposition keeps each of us open and wanting to find the mutual path. This is what you both describe for all of us each week. This predisposition is founded on trust and creates the solid ground for all, for each of us to move forward with safety. I always appreciate your column…It always illustrates how simply freeing it can be to be seen as well as heard.

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