Rely on Relationships to Stay Sane in an Insane World
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MAUDE: In these challenging and turbulent times, it is important to fill your moments with presence; to be calmly, lovingly present. One of the best ways to do that is through your relationships. Stay connected; put extra attention and effort into them; nurture them. Don’t let yourself get isolated.
Relationships are tangible experiences, and as such take place in the present moment. They are occurring in real-time and not in your head, not through worry or projection, nor in the world of words alone. An antidote to diffuse the bombardment of information and opinions we are all subject to is to spend quality time with others in loving exchanges of caring and sharing.
This is not to suggest pushing away the outer world, which is certainly also a part of reality. It is rather a method of creating balance within yourself through the support that we can each give one another. Check in frequently with each other and imbibe of that mutual calming which comes of being present with and for one another. Make sure you support those in your circle who are more vulnerable. Offer help when it’s asked for and learn to ask for it yourself when needed.
Phil and I have been pulling each other through the onslaught of events and emotions these past weeks by doing this on a regular basis. It seems one or the other of us gets unbalanced, and by interacting and talking, we create that mutual calm and warmth that soothes and restores us. I have the same experience in other relationships, with whom I don’t live, but have regular check-ins and exchanges.
When we are relating with others, there is an immediacy that naturally puts things in a more balanced perspective. It quiets the mind from all the what ifs, and projections of situations and happenings that are not actually in the moment you are living through. In that sacred space of connection, there is joy, the direct experience that goodness pervades, and the delightful moments of laughter shared.
PHIL: How do you avoid despair in these turbulent times? There are many unsettling events going on. Ignoring them completely is not wise, or even possible, but worrying the whole time is also unhealthy.
Counter that by being present. It’s great if you can be present for an extended time, but the way to get there is to practice it for just a breath at a time. Feel your body. Admire something in the world. “Mmm, that tree is a lovely shape.” Let go of your worries for a moment; they’ll still be there when you stop being present. Notice how peaceful it is for that moment, repeat as often as you can remember, get into the habit of doing so. That is the way to being more present.
Another way to handle stress is through your relationships. I’d like to talk about this by starting with what may seem a strange subject: language. Humans used to survive quite well without it, thank you (or we wouldn’t be here.) Language gave us a way to capture our thinking and reach conclusions that did not always reflect our senses and emotions. It has been so effective that our consciousness operates almost completely in the verbal arena. Senses and emotions that arise are labeled and incorporated into that arena; if they are not labeled, they are effectively invisible to our normal verbal consciousness.
In a relationship, any relationship, we connect through language. In a casual encounter, we hide a part of ourselves by saying what is socially acceptable; in closer relationships, we share ourselves, our ideas and our views. Just think how magical this is: an idea in my head can appear in your head through language.
But a relationship is more than words; it is also how you feel about the other person. We are born to be social; there is a natural attraction to other people.
And so the nature of relationships is both verbal and nonverbal, and being aware of the nonverbal side will serve you well in these worrying times because a relationship has a reality that the news doesn’t. The news is really just words and images floating out there. But a relationship, if you pay attention to how it feels as well as what you are talking about, is a visceral experience. It can be very calming because our connections with other people are such a basic need.
When the deluge of news distresses you, find comfort in the company of others.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
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Actually looking through pictures on cell phone reminded my mate and I how much our lives have been filled with so many friends in events that were memorable. So we sit next to each other look and laugh and it becomes even more special. We are both determined to not let news of the day defeat us. Keep the faith!! Thanks always for your posts— they always enrich us. And I had not seen that picture!
Love barb
Thank you Barb. Yes, sharing with intimates is such a strengthening factor. Looking at all the friends and events together too! So glad for the statement of enrichment. It is good to know that happens. We strive to contribute to the way we all relate to one another.
love Maude
Wise words. Thank you
Susan
Thank you. We hope you found something you can use!
Maude
Yeah! When everything is falling apart, what is truly important comes into focus; our families and close friends! Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling!
Jinjee
Thank you for hearing and affirming our thoughts in your feedback!
Maude
You guys are so amazing at expressing things I have felt but had never put into words! Thank you for the beauty in all you do!
Johanna
What a loving and kind thing to reflect back to us. Thank you. Sometimes it helps to hear someone speak our thoughts so we can hear them.
Maude
This past week has been especially difficult to find balance. After reading of the atrocities happening in DC I lashed out in anger with a text to immediate family members bemoaning the utter illegality, unconstitutionality and disbelief. It did not go over well. Our sons think I’m overly emotional. My husband stays quiet (but supports my perspective). He’d rather not risk our obviously mercurial connection with adult sons. One son voted for the extreme right. He never had before so we were shocked. I isolated myself for a few days. I do not understand our forty something sons; and I usually try to toe the line and stay understated. I feel alone and am looking for a healthy outlet. You are correct about social connection, it invigorates me, but has been a challenge finding like minds here in AZ (we live in a different state during the summer). I turned toward my spouse after a quiet 3 days and explained that I need support and understanding. He responded positively. Our nation is blessed in so many ways and when our hard work and support of a balanced democracy is thrown to the wind in two weeks it shakes me to the core. Our basic freedoms and social safety net is threatened more each day. I do yoga regularly, play pickle ball with lovely women (we don’t talk politics) and my husband and I hike and walk together as often as we can. The sadness is pervasive but I’ve begun to turn away from any news and try to stay present. I deeply appreciate your column Phil and Maude. I don’t feel as alone when I read it and with a counseling background it has a familiar ring to it. Keep up the great work.
Maureen
Thanks for telling us your story. I have been mystified and horrified by the political divide for years. At one point, I worked with Braver Angels on cross-partisan dialogues. Freaked out though I am, it must be so much worse when that divide appears within your family. I am so sorry this has happened.
One way I see the conservative position is that the increasing wealth disparity caused by the reduction in top tax rates has led many people to believe that democracy does not help the average worker and a strong ruler is a better approach.
I also think that conservatives are more fearful and distrust strangers more, leading to support for strong borders, the 2nd Amendment, etc. Fear also inhibits rational thinking. The right-wing media run fearful stories because they gain our attention and need not be accurate because of that loss of critical thinking.
So what is to be done? Look at what you have in common, rather than the differences. We all breathe, eat, work and play. We all have needs in common—think Maslow’s hierarchy.
It may be harder to find what values you have in common because humans are neither solitary creatures like spiders or communal creatures like ants; we have attributes of both. We are social creatures that need each other to survive, and also individuals who resist groupthink. Both poles have their attractions and their faults which make up what I call the four forces of politics. If you discuss values, conservatives will espouse the values of independence, and liberals will point out the benefits of cooperation. Each side needs to recognize and accept the remaining three political forces.
Peace and love, Phil
I love this reminder to get out of my head and into my world. There are so many beautiful people and things to appreciate that, once I start noticing them, they make whatever I was worrying about less oppressive. Most of the time, they’re just echoes of ghosts from the past that have no bearing on what is happening now.
Esther
Thank you for this sharing, Esther. Indeed, interacting with others is a great way to be brought into the present, if we can truly be with each other.
Maude
This is one of my favorite of your newsletters….you really hit the nail on the head….expressed concepts I couldn’t put in to words! ( I see Joanna G just said basically the same things!)
Sonia
Thank you so much! We are so glad you could relate to what we were discussing. As I said to Johanna, sometimes it takes someone else stating something, to hear what you think 🙂
Maude
Thank you, a good reminder!
Foster
Glad it was helpful!
Maude