Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships

Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships

PHIL: We were talking about the role of acknowledgment in relationships. At basis, it’s a recognition that the other person exists. You are saying “I see you”, which is incredibly affirming. It’s more than saying “Oh, there you are”; it’s recognizing them for what they do and how they are, and it’s important because (as I rant so often these days) we are social creatures; we have a need for each other built deep into our genes, and to be acknowledged is to have that connection reaffirmed.

So offer a thank you, a text, a card. But it doesn’t have to be verbal. A wave, a touch, a bouquet, holding the door for someone; they all recognize that the other person exists and is seen.

To do this, you have to observe the other person, you have to recognize what they have done or how they are in the moment, rather than operating from your ideas and expectations about the other person. Just for one little moment, be present, and then you can retreat to your thoughts and smartphone.

In our close relationships, acknowledgment goes hand-in-hand with acceptance; the idea of not bitching about what the other person is doing because, really, it’s none of your business; it’s their business, so leave them alone. More than that, you should appreciate and celebrate this; you should rejoice in their individuality.

Acknowledgment is how you let the other person know about your acceptance and appreciation.

MAUDE: The other day, a dear friend came to visit us between two appointments she had in town. We had such a lovely visit, enjoying being together. She lives about an hour away and we don’t get to see each other that often. It was so sweet visiting, that I wrote her a note thanking her for making the effort and sharing how much we both enjoyed it. She wrote back suggesting making a date to get together at her home.

This exchange started me thinking about how magical acknowledgment can be, and how important it is in all relationships. It doesn’t have to be verbal so much as it is reflecting back an experience of the other. It can be expressed in many ways, from stopping to give someone a hug, to listening carefully to what they are sharing with you. It is always a sign of being present and available.

Phil and I have acknowledgment woven into the fabric of our relationship, with an ever-present flow of attention to and awareness of each other. It continues through the day with little moments where we look at each other with a “Hey, hi, glad you are here” glance, exchange some words to that effect, or just say thank you.

Since Covid, I have relationships that take place over distances via phone, email, text, and social media. These all afford opportunities to acknowledge a person and non-verbally say “I see you.” In my deep connection to a friend that occurs mostly on the phone, there is this constant flow as well, where we speak and listen to each other in the same way that lets each of us know that we are known for who we are and are being heard and appreciated.

Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace. Relationships that incorporate this spread that peace outward, and tend to build an awareness of how to do this with other people, even in brief encounters. As we pass by in the world, we can do this for each other. There is nothing that breaks down the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ more than being acknowledged and knowing you are seen by someone.


Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Phil gets a forest for his birthday

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