Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we said that the secret to peaceful relationships is cooperative interaction. Here are some of our previous posts that illuminate various aspects of this form of connecting.
How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present. When you react with anger, fear, or hatred, you are coming from your deep-seated and strong survival instincts. They are very strong because they are defensive postures ingrained in us and resident in the earliest part of our primitive brain. When you stop, you gain time in the present to choose a different place to interact from. You can move into thoughts and feelings of a higher and more developed part of you.”
How Being Defended Stops You From Being Close in Your Relationships “What happens when you raise defenses between you and your partner, friends or relations? When you act to defend yourself, you erect a barrier to being close. And yet, there may be situations where you feel unwarranted criticism, blame, or a disrespectful tone being directed at you. What are productive ways of responding? A feeling that it is necessary to defend yourself within a relationship, often accompanied by a withdrawing from that person, even just a little bit, is important to address. It provides an area for lots of personal growth, as well as an area where more intimacy rather than more distance can be created. (I am not referring here to clearly abusive situations, which always warrant an immediate response.) I have a dear friend who, when responding to me, often exhibits a behavior which I find irritating and quite off putting. I have been reflecting about this recently. At first, I was going to approach her and talk about her behavior and its effect on me. Then I thought of my own reaction. What was that about? Why did I care and what could I do with my own feelings without demanding some change or alteration in her behavior?”
In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything “I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it. There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings. This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me. In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.”