The Art of Undefended Love — How to Create Truly Peaceful Relationships
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PHIL: Our approach to writing about peaceful relationships is that we very much write about how we are rather than saying what you should do. We don’t know what you need to change to get here, but we know what here is like. It’s a bit like descriptive vs. prescriptive grammar—language as it is actually used by speakers and writers vs. language as certain people think it should be used. We’re describing, not proscribing.
One thing that stands out is the ease of living with Maude. It’s not an effort; it’s a very natural thing. And I have the sense that it is like that for her, too, and she is similarly aware of it. This sense of ease is so peaceful. The two terms are close to synonymous and make for a very deep relationship.
The weird thing is that we don’t have to restrain ourselves in any way to be peaceful. It is no effort.
Part of it is that we also make it friction-free by our full acceptance of the other person. Anything that we might find annoying if we were to have a grouchy character is instead, nothing to be worried about. It’s very tricky to describe this without people thinking that means you just have to accept anything that comes along. We’ve written about acceptance elsewhere, so I won’t expand on it here except to say that it is a really important reframing of how you see relationships.
One contribution to ease is that we turn up undefended. That needs trust, and trust needs time, but once that is established, why not be fully open? For me, there is often a small wall to jump over, a relic of the past, but—thank you, Maude—it works out every time.
Another point about ease is the element of intention. This is the sort of relationship we both want to have, so why not? I think we both have a deep appreciation for the fact that we do have this kind of relationship.
In a way, the fact that we don’t disagree is such a contrast from our previous experiences that it is still quite a mystery, but it’s quite clearly also a choice, not an accident. It merits a small verse:
You don’t.
We don’t.
We haven’t.
We won’t.
MAUDE: There are many aspects to having a peaceful relationship with another person. One of the elements that Phil and I treasure is the experience of ease. This is always mutually felt when relating peacefully.
Ease is not a thought, but rather a feeling. It is often an unrealized feeling, except for the sense of well-being that it brings with it. Ease is a quiet calmness that you feel with your whole being, in both body and mind. There is no effort involved in this sensation, although you arrive there through a whole variety of efforts. It contains the assurance of goodness and is entirely absent of defenses.
Embodied in ease is the fact of being totally accepted by the other person, as well as totally accepting them. This accepting is a form of acknowledging the unique character of the other, as well as knowing there is agreement to be open and honest. This kind of being together has no power or dominance issues.
Feeling this kind of ease with another is friction-free; there is no tension. Due to the absence of these areas of tightness, you are free to completely relax and fully be yourself in such a relationship. The little irritations or moments of being out of sync, if and when they occur, just pass right through without making a home between you. You are not attracted to reaching out for, or holding on to, those feelings, as what you are feeling is so much more attractive and fulfilling.
Often when we write our posts, we are describing understandings and actions you can take to have a peaceful relationship with another. In this post, we wanted to describe the sense of well-being that this can bring, with the hope that if you have not yet walked this path in your relationships, you will recognize how it might be and be interested in creating connections based on this kind of experience. Won’t you join us in making peace part of your reality?
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Relaxing on the California coast
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I love that you have given words for this feeling of well-being and happiness that is often overlooked in our lives. A word gives power to a concept by making space for it in our minds for it to manifest itself in our lives. So may we start seeing more people who practice the art of Undefended Love.
Esther
Esther thank you. That is exactly what we were hoping for when we wrote this piece this way!
Maude
This was posted on Substack:
Undefended love is something I’ve never heard before. Truly, I do not understand what it is exactly. I do understand accepting each other as they are. The extra reading about Maslow’s hierarchy and needing all aspects for a happy life I get. Trust is huge I understand. Right now in my 50th year of marriage I cannot say we share an undefended love of it means never arguing, being on the same page so to speak, agreeing on large matters, experiencing ease (of course we share moments of ease)…I am sorry but this saddens me.
Maureen
Maureen, I am so sorry this makes you feel sad. For me, undefended means being totally open to whatever comes up.
My sister once said, “It’s fine for you guys,” meaning we had it lucky. Maybe that’s the case. For both of us, we have the sense of it being a radically different relationship that is unlike anything either of us has had in our lives (and I’ve had a number of them, believe me.) Yes, it’s grace that we met each other, but I don’t believe we have been cosmically graced, because I have the sense that this is something we are actively doing. It is a way of being together that we both choose. We have spent most of our time together looking at exactly what we do and don’t do and writing about it, because we feel we have an obligation to say “Look, this is possible. If we can do it, so can you. This is how we treat each other.”
Another reason I believe in our path is other authors saying the same thing. “A New Map for Relationships” by Dorothy and Martin Hellman tells of how they “transform an almost failed marriage.” The therapist Susan Heitler in “The Power of Two” describes exactly what we do.
Fifty years is a major achievement in my eyes. Before Maude, I never made it past three. You may be on the cusp of the next step. Peace and love, Phil
This was Maureen’s response on Substack to Phil’s reply:
What a beautiful reply and I think your sister has a valid point. You both have something very special that is for certain and sharing it with the world will help others work in the direction of undefended love. I will redirect from sadness to hope. Ours is a marriage that began young and neither had the courage/will to leave, even when maybe we should have. Now we are at a good place, happy to have “hung in” there. I am grateful for your writing and will gladly subscribe.
I believe what you have together could change the world. Peace begins within ourselves, at home and in our relationships. The peace journey needs lots of helpers along the way. I have found two and am grateful.