There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

MAUDE: I was reading a note from Anna Drabik, one of my favorite relationship writers on Substack, about compromise. We had an exchange on the topic, which led Phil and me to revisit this subject and share what we feel is its role on the path toward peaceful relationships.

Compromise is a word that has different meanings to many. It is often interpreted as a means of giving up something in order to get something else. It is used in this way in both bargaining and negotiating. A basic definition of these terms points out the nature of the issue: “Bargaining is often described as a ‘win-lose’ scenario, where one party gains at the expense of the other, whereas negotiation aims for a ‘win-win’ outcome where both parties benefit.”

In each of these styles of reaching solutions, there is an implied separateness between the people. You are on one side, and the other person is on a different side. Peaceful paths require a foundational understanding that you are both on the same side.

What does it mean to be on the same side? In the relationship between Phil and me, as well as my other deepest relationships, we know as a given that we always want the best for each other. We know that we share values and meanings. We may, and do, use different words to talk about the same thing. Yet there lies between us a sense of the “we” present at all times; not two sides, but our side. Always asking “what is the ‘we’ solution to this?” is the peaceful path.

I mentioned values earlier. The more we find behaviors and decisions that match the values involved in an issue, the easier it becomes to create solutions that fit the “we”. And I say create purposefully. The journey you go on together when you are aware of your connection and both share the desire to find the feel-right answer together is one of creation. In these kinds of sessions, something new always emerges. It grows out of that union of two having an awareness of the way of the one.

I know this may sound a bit fanciful, and it does feel magical as it is occurring. There is a tuning in to what is real and holds your sense of value that is an exhilarating experience to share. There are many practices that contribute to having a relationship that embodies this way of being together, and it is our goal to share those in these posts. Phil and I marvel at this aspect of our connection all the time, and it never diminishes in its power and intensity. At its center is a direct visceral experience of Peace.

PHIL: Last week, I wrote about how people have an “opinionated” rating, and that a balanced relationship is where each person has around a 0.5 rating so that they express their opinions but aren’t locked into them. Put that way, it’s easy for people to hear it as needing to compromise, but that’s not our experience.

One way to describe this is to say that we are on the same side. As Maude said, “We’re not on two opposite sides or two sides of something. We’re on one side. This side encompasses a place that we both feel good in together and individually.”

I think that once we recognized this and went “Oh, look! Here we are just hanging out!”, we found it such a comfortable place to be that we work hard, we make an effort, we choose to maintain it. I hesitate to say “work” here because it is usually used in the context of working to maintain a relationship that, in its absence, would fall apart. With us, it’s a choice, not an effort. Why would I want to be anywhere else once I grasp this way of hanging out with another person?

You might argue that compromises have to exist because, say, there’s only one car, and both people need it. My usual response is to talk about wants, needs, and values, and how I can look for the deeper need and ensure that it is fulfilled.

Instead, I’d like to approach it from the “same side” position. I want to talk about identity. We usually identify as ourselves: this is me, I’m Phil. These are my fingers holding the pen. This is my bed I am lying on. There are other identifications as well that are not who I am, but what I am. I identify with my gender, with my ancestry, my family, the country I grew up in, the place where I live now, the career I had, and much more.

It might seem that they are secondary: they live outside my skin, the boundary of who I am. Yet they are also part of me. If one suddenly vanished, like if I discovered that I was a synthesized human with implanted memories of my family, I would feel adrift, incomplete.

My relationships are another one of these identifications, so I can say they are part of me, or I of them. This is the source of the “we”, the “us”, of a personal relationship.

In today’s individualistic society, it is easy to overlook this. Yet a relationship is that “us”, and that is where the same side resides. Be conscious of that place at all times. This is the place where no compromise is needed.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Passion fruit flowers

Read what else we have written on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!