What Does it Feel Like to Experience Peace in Your Relationships?

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We sit down each week and talk about how we are, or how our week has been and how we navigated it, and out of that comes a post. We look for a particular angle or a new way to express how we are, but in the end, it’s just us talking about what it is to experience peace.

PHIL: We’re trying to grasp what it is that contributes to our having a peaceful relationship. One thing is that we always go with the flow. Yes, a jargony phrase, but I mean that we don’t resist what is happening, whether that is one of us feeling unbalanced or needing something, or something external – a house problem, a car problem, a neighbor problem. Actually, they’re not the same. External issues can be deferred until they become pressing, but our internal balance is something we are scrupulous about maintaining. We can do this because we are in touch with the very deep connection between us. This has existed unchanged since early days, and writing these posts has helped in maintaining that awareness. By talking about how we are, we have kept this as a major part of our world.

So what is this sense of this deep connection? My sense of Maude is that she brings all of herself. There is nothing hidden; she is not putting on a front, not hiding her opinions to please me. Wow. The security I get from knowing that this is it, there are no hidden variables (obscure reference for physicists), is wonderful; it is like a cool breeze on a sunny day.

And I try to offer the same myself, in my own flawed way.

I think that by doing this, we reach something universal about the human need for connection, and it is from this deep root that we can roll with whatever is going on.

There is grace, luck, chance, fortune, fate in our finding each other, but I also want to credit intention: this is how we want it to be, and hence we make it so. We do that by being open and accepting, and by making time whenever the other person has a need for connection. (You may recognize this from Gottman.)

But I’d like to phrase it the opposite way: we carry out that intention not by doing, but by just being. This is another way to describe being accepting: be present with whatever is happening.

MAUDE: Peaceful relationships. They arise out of so many big and small factors. There are aspects that are primary, like being present, open, honest and trusting, feeling seen and heard, sharing yourself with the other person, and honoring and respecting each other’s uniqueness. There are actions that grow out of those basic ones and are exhibited in the way you treat each other. Examples of such behavior are: gentleness in tone of voice, listening with attention, kindness, and being supportive.

Phil and I have always believed that there was grace involved in where each of us was in our lives when we connected. And I still believe that firmly. Yet, we also know that there was a deep intention that we both brought to bear that made the building of a peaceful relationship possible. And I can say that about all of my deep relationships. Some may have taken longer to grow into that place, but it was a direct path to the kind of constant connection and loving regard that creates the ease and sense of safety and reassurance that characterizes peace between people.

We both know that whatever happens, we will deal with it. Our connection rides outside the occurrences of life that befall each of us, as we grow and learn to live and share our lives on this planet.

There is a firm sense of commitment to each other that runs deep and strong within both of us. And again, I would have to say this is so in all my intimate relationships. This sense is there not because of a contract. Although I must say, in the case of Phil and me, our wedding vows truly embodied the intentions to live as we do together. Rather, it is because of the assurance of how we both feel, and the deep sense of the reality behind that feeling.

There is also a commitment within each of us to grow and to expand our knowledge of our inner self, and to find the paths that lead to inner peace. This experience keeps moving forward toward choosing love over fear, truth over dishonesty, and seeking the best possible outcome for all.

Phil is more introverted than I am. I, perhaps, fit the category of extrovert more closely. Either way, we both value connection with others and the knowledge that we are all related. We are all similar as well as different, and those differences bring enrichment not threat to the lives of those who seek peace and love.

We hope to inspire those who want to walk this path to come along with us, spreading peace one relationship at a time.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: A happy and peaceful Phil and Maude

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