What is it That Makes For an Easy Relationship?
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MAUDE: Recently, Phil and I planned two trips, one celebrating my birthday, and one our wedding anniversary. We have also been dealing with some problems arising from a project we are working on. We were reflecting on how sweet and smooth these experiences have been between us, even though each of them offered its own challenges and difficulties.
What I have to say about our, and all peaceful relationships, is, “It’s easy!” Yes, that’s the refrain from All You Need Is Love, and it does apply here. Of course, for it to be easy requires a variety of things, the first of which is making a choice. When two people have a relationship, whether it is couples, deep friendships, or other meaningful connections, they have to both share the intention toward this kind of relating. How that manifests itself will be different for each one, but the choice to do so lies at the foundation of that connection.
For Phil and me, that choice was set from the very beginning. We both wanted conscious, loving, deep connection without drama, distance, or misunderstandings. We were interested in communicating who we were and how we felt, honestly and openly, without fear. We created an operational space/place for each of us to flourish. We filled that space with a trust that our intentions toward each other were good and loving, and we accepted that we both wanted to come to know each other and support each other.
This place between us that formed our relationship offered a feeling of ease, comfort, and safety. We each felt and acted on a desire for the best for each other, in our own personal growth and in our interactions with each other. We wanted to both support and be of service to one another. This required listening to each other and finding out what the other wanted and needed.
This way of being together and working together is a way of dealing with all the different aspects of life we share without clashes and arguments. We have differences, and this enriches each of us, making both of us more than we are alone. We bring different things to our connection, and at the same time we are equally present and committed to being available.
As I mentioned at the beginning, these very same qualities are present in all my deep relationships: with my dear friends and most recently, with my eldest son, when we traveled away to spend some time together. The specifics are different, but the choice for peace and the choice to be fully there, fully present, fully open, honest, and trustworthy are always present.
And in each case, it has become a self-sustaining way of being together. The more we exchange and relate, the more the experiences together accumulate, the more profoundly natural this way of relating underlies all our interactions. It’s easy!
PHIL: When events arise that involve both of us, whether pleasurable, like planning for a trip, or complicated, like how to tackle a renovation and what to include, we never find ourselves at odds with each other. We disagree, we look at the possibilities, and we find a solution; it is never a contentious process, and I want to describe the attitudes that make this possible.
I think it starts from the fact that this is how we want it to be. That might sound like magical thinking, because wanting a pony doesn’t get you one. But the outside world where ponies live is different from the inside one of thoughts and feelings. There we have a choice of how to interpret our emotions and whether to act on them.
We can act in this peaceful way because we each have a sense of the other’s values and know that they match. They include a sense of caring and benevolence toward other people. We each bring an understanding that we’re on the same side; we tackle things together.
We each want a tranquil relationship, and know that the other person does, too. This knowledge is not a matter of words and agreements; it is a sense of the other person, and that takes a while to assess, but not too long. (I’ll grant you that sociopaths and abusers can hide their nature for a while.)
What I would like to dig into is what we are actively doing to make this happen, and the key here is intention. It’s what we want. It’s how we want to be. And if it looks like that state might be threatened, I think that we each independently take some kind of action to restore it.
My sense is that there is a kind of space that we enter together that is quiet, safe, and full of possibilities that I cannot imagine, because two people bring different gifts to the table.
The longer we are together, the more we are assured of the existence of this space and appreciate its comfort. This makes it self-perpetuating because we recognize it and want it to continue. There’s no reason why it can’t, because we are not at odds with each other.
I’ve been writing about Maude and me, and it might seem quite insular, but you can offer this quietness and openness to anyone. The world needs all the peace you can give!
Photo credit: Meijin Amato
Photo note: Maude in Japan
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