Why It’s Important to Support Each Other in Your Relationships

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We each have a strong feeling of being supported by the other person. It pervades our togetherness and is one of the underpinnings of the peace that characterizes our relationship. It is a feeling, an experience, rather than a thought.

It feels good to give support, too. It feels good to wish the other the best, share their enjoyment, and savor their growth. It feels natural and effortless: it is not transactional, there is no quid pro quo, there is no invoice being prepared.

This experience of both giving and receiving support is mutual, and this mutuality is a large part of the peace that we experience together. We do not express it in the same ways. We are different people with different skills, and we do not expect the other to act and express themselves as we do. Yet we are equally invested in giving and getting that feeling.

There is joy in this sense of mutual support, and it creates a feeling of trust that the other person has your back. Note also that trust helps you give and receive support, so the two are intertwined.

The extent to which you have this feeling of support in your relationships will determine your sense of calm, serenity and peace. For both of us, in all our deep relationships, this is a core value. We have written extensively on Core Values and here is a link for more details.

But what can you do when you don’t feel fully supported? Talk with the other person about support in a relationship and whether it is a core value for each of you. Speaking your values out loud and finding out how much the other person agrees, and a little of how they carry them out is a powerful way of connecting. Knowing that this core value is shared can help you look at actions and words from that point of view. It can create greater understanding and awareness of each other’s actions.

If you find out that this value is not shared, then you need to decide how important such a shared value is for you, and what actions are appropriate for you accordingly.

It is important in such a discussion that you do not let it become a request for specific ways of showing support, or accusations of blame or neediness. It can’t be about how you don’t feel supported; that’s a finger-pointing plaint about the failures of the other person. Instead, you have to keep it to a mutual discussion about the nature of support. The talking should remain on what this core value is and its meaning to each of you. Look for a sense of the connection in any relationship where you are talking about values. You are finding ways to express your mutuality and caring for each other, and to come closer as a result.

This kind of openness always creates a sense of being on the same side and supports each of the participants in exploring their own personal path as well. Phil describes this openness “We both bring our whole self to the table.” Gifting each other with this kind of awareness and trust allows greater understanding and spreads the feeling of support that brings peace to the togetherness.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: A demonstration of support

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