Why Peaceful Relationships Depend on What You Do and Don’t Do

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

MAUDE: It was recently our 20th anniversary of meeting (and a joyous celebration it was!), and Phil and I were talking about the components of our relationship and other deep relationships with friends and family. The flavor of those peaceful relationships is made up of what we do and what we don’t do.

In all of these, there is a strong connection, a feel of the person, and a flow of sharing going back and forth. This comes from the clear sense of both people being present and available. Being present is something you do, a conscious choice. It involves giving someone your full attention.

Similarly, there is mutual regard and a lack of opposition. There are clearly two different people with two different thoughts and ideas on the how, when and where of most things. Yet, there is no wall between them. When there is a wall of opposition, it comes from some kind of push-back, where one of them is communicating through word, or tone, or body language that it is their way or the proverbial highway.

In the peaceful relationships we describe, there is no such messaging. It’s just something we don’t do. Instead, there is a shared desire to hear each other and to find paths that include the needs and wants of both of us. In these kinds of connections, there is a secure knowing that each wants the best for the other. This results in an easy back and forth, an uncharged atmosphere that encourages relaxation and deeper sharing. When there are barbs and tension in the interactions, you can never really be fully yourself.

PHIL: We have an effortless relationship, and believe that anyone can have one, too; it’s just a matter of changing your perspective. Perhaps I’m trivializing it, because that is asking people to totally reframe how they see the world and how they see other people, but I don’t think it’s complicated. We know how it happens because we’ve spent a long time looking at it. We are how we are both because of what we do and what we don’t do.

One of the things is that we treat each other as equals. Her rights are as important as mine. Her choices are as valid as mine. But equal doesn’t mean the same. We recognize our differences and do not struggle against them. Many of those differences make no difference at all to me; Maude reads mystery writers and I like nonfiction. But when the differences affect both of us, we both assume the best of each other. We assume the other is acting from the best of intentions. We don’t think they’re acting from a grudge, or transactionally, that is, they’re trying to get the best possible deal by getting as much as possible and giving as little as possible. We don’t. We don’t attribute that to the other person at all.

But when something needs to get clarified, sorted, or straightened out, then what?

One of the things that makes it so easy is that I know I’m not going to get pushback. I might get resistance, if I may use a similar word and give it a different meaning, which is simply that I think one thing, and Maude thinks another. No surprise, because there are two people here, right? So the resolution to resistance is either getting her to see it my way or me to see it her way, or some view that is a different angle for both of us. A resistance like that is very different from pushback. Something that makes this easy is that neither of us is rigidly attached to one way.

As we repeatedly did this and saw that resolutions were possible, we acquired more trust in the process.

More than that, it means that we don’t cringe at conflicts and avoid dealing with stuff because when we notice a little kink to straighten out, we’re both fully up for it when the time is right, because the sense is one of both exploring myself, what I feel and what my motives are, and how it is to be with you, where you are presenting yourself, your motives and your desires. It’s the experience of being in contact with another person, and that mutual sense gives us the ability to explore and find a mutual resolution.

The need to sort out something doesn’t happen very often, but the sense of being connected to each other is a constant, and it allows me to go off and do my own thing. That’s a necessity for me because I am a person who likes, craves, and needs solitude because I spend a lot of my time in my head thinking about the world, consciousness, politics, and all sorts of things. I really enjoy that state, and I think it probably is a reflection of growing up as an only child until I was seven. That’s a personal value for me, and Maude has a similar need for space, but that doesn’t apply to everyone. We know couples who are much more intertwined. I think that when two people pick each other, they probably have a read of how the other person is in this and other areas.

PHIL AND MAUDE: For us, peace is a value and a conscious choice. To experience that reality, there are things we do, and things we don’t do. We strive to share that with all who desire to experience peace within their relationships.

Photo credit: Jennifer Niles
Photo note: Phil and Maude celebrating

Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!