What is Peace Within a Relationship Like?
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I Declare World Peace; a site for peaceIf we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace. Thich Nhat Hanh
For those of you following our writing, you know that we have a deeply peaceful relationship, and feel so graced by it that we believe we have an obligation to share what the components of this type of relating are, and how to achieve this experience. We firmly believe that the peace that we have discovered and live is achievable by many and that these types of peaceful relationships can transform the world.
This week, we’d like to describe the qualities of peace within our relationship. It’s hard to do so in the same way that it is hard to come up with words for any interior experience – a sunset, for example. We can only use adjectives and metaphors and hope they create a little of the same experience.
In our writings, we often talk about how peaceful our relationship is. We describe the wonderful feeling of comfort and even safety that we feel. We share how this sense of well-being accompanies us through our days and is such a supportive foundation for life interactions. Peace is a tangible experience. It is the sense of not being pulled in any direction. For us it is effortless; it is not something we strain to do. We share this not to flaunt but to inspire and to inform. We believe firmly that you too can have this kind of relationship, if you so desire.
In our books and blogs, we also share what we do not do. We do not argue. We do not fight. We are not in conflict with each other. Some hear this and think we must be so bored, our lives must be bland, and everything must always be the same, with no growth. They believe, usually from their own experience, that excitement and change come from tension and strife and hard work. This is not so for us.
The peaceful relationship that we live is achievable & can transform the world #peace #relationships Click To TweetOur experience is different. It is new and shiny and full of wonder. The sense of peace between us was discovered, not created. It is something that we both bring to the table. It is a sense of comfort in each other’s presence – ah, but that’s the other person. We need the complement, and that is a sense of comfort with the environment, a sense that nothing has to be controlled or taken care of. And of course, most of all, a sense of comfort with ourselves: the sense that it is possible to just sit, that we are comfortable in our own skin, that we accept what is, that we are present. That’s it, really; when we bring in the past or the future it invites worries, fears, anxieties. Certainly, sometimes the present is not that tranquil center, but the response should be to accept it and deal with it. Such occasions are so often easier to handle than our fears about them.
The experience of peace that we have encountered through our way of being together is one of constant change, always different and always new. It is always better (and this, although almost dumbfounding in its strange paradoxical nature, is something you will hear most successful couples reporting.)
Our experience is juicy, passionate and joyful. It is calm, steady, and serene. It is full of new discovery, both about ourselves and each other. And most of all of the nature of peace.
We are constantly discovering, not through thought, but through living, the actual experience of peace, of what it is. This may sound strange, because we all think we know what peace is. Yet, it has come as a complete surprise to us, one which neither of us had truly encountered before.
Peace is a conscious choice. John Denver
I certainly agree that “Peace is a tangible experience” and that it often comes from “a sense of comfort with ourselves.” But I wonder how in a long-term, intense relationship it can consistently be maintained. No storms? No rough seas?
No, not for us, and I think we are so familiar with and attracted to the experience of peace that we will always choose it. Shared core values help tremendously here.
But let me offer a little story. Years ago I was in a very tumultuous relationship with someone with a taste for drama. During one argument, she stormed off and threw the breakers on the entire house. I discovered a place within myself I called “the rock in the stream.” It was not my drama! I could let it wash over and around me, and wait for the flash flood to subside. I recently ran across the Polish expression “Not my circus, not my monkeys”; a wonderful image for such a situation.
It requires enough self-knowledge to know what you want, as opposed to how others expect you to act. That’s always been a difficult thing for me to distinguish, but I am getting much better at it. And when I know what I want, I can decide whether it is important or just a whim. This is where core values come in. And sometimes, I’ve discovered I’ve been on the wrong side of the argument, and that’s always a great lesson for the future.
When we disagree, we use what we call “our process” to sort through things. We wrote about it here, and it’s chapter 4 in our book “How Two: Have a Successful Relationship.”