Why is Being Honest so Important in Your Relationships?

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PHIL: I gave Maude an anniversary card, and she said “Oh, so you haven’t given up giving cards,” and I went “What?” She said, “Well, you didn’t give me cards for my birthday. I thought you had decided not to do cards anymore.” Her birthday was two weeks before the anniversary, and the week running up to it was non-stop preparations for a trip, so I was thinking about the trip, not the birthday.

And then afterward, I thought, isn’t it nice that there was no sense of reproach or resentment or reaction to that, and in particular, that there was no passive-aggressive response like leaving the dishes or not getting cards in turn for me or any other “message” actions. I thought more about this and realized that such an action is non-verbal and happens because there is no speaking about something when it first arises.

Being completely straightforward like that is still just a little struggle for me. It’s like I have to push myself because I was brought up to be circumspect; certain subjects were not up for discussion.

Speaking directly doesn’t happen naturally because we all create a persona for the outside world, and that’s perfectly reasonable. We do it to attract a mate, be liked in our group, get on at work. We want to be accepted by other people. And it’s easy to take that feeling into a relationship, but here’s why that is a bad idea: it’s a straight-jacket, a girdle, a limitation on feeling our full self; it hides us from ourselves, we cannot sit comfortably at the center of our being.

A close relationship with another is profoundly different from your relationship with the average person. You have the opportunity to find yourself and be yourself. Being open with another is both scary and liberating. The more straightforward you are, the less you have to conceal. There is less and less effort needed to hold up a persona. Being open feels good, and the more you do it, the more you are drawn to act that way.

It’s not quite as simple as letting it all hang out, as the sixties would have it. You probably know someone who says “You don’t deserve me if you can’t handle me at my worst.” If you are going to present all of yourself to the world, you have an obligation not to make it toxic. That means making those feelings about yourself, not about others, and expressing yourself in as kind a way as possible.

So find yourself and offer it gracefully to the world. The more we all do this, the more we feel connected.We speak to each other of how we feel so things don’t build up to a point of tension #quote Share on X

MAUDE: Last week was our wedding anniversary, and the day started early with Phil giving me a card. I was so surprised. We do usually give cards for non-occasions as well as occasions. I was pleased and said to Phil “Oh, thank you! I thought you had decided not to give cards.” He asked why, and I explained “Well, you didn’t give me any on my birthday this year.” I wasn’t inferring anything or making a dig about not getting birthday cards. It was just a comment about me thinking he was changing up our pattern.

Phil, on reflecting about this little exchange, presented this as an example of how peaceful relationships are characterized. He was struck by how our exchange was absent of any passive-aggressive feelings or unspoken hurt being expressed.

In our relationship, we speak to each other of how we feel so things don’t tend to build up to a point of tension or unresolved resentments. In my deep relationships, this kind of direct honesty with one another is the foundation for ever-growing closeness. Not being straightforward with each other, or withholding feelings that should be spoken, causes rifts in relationships as small cracks grow bigger.

This seemingly simple behavior brings me a sense of ease and trust that strengthens my intimate relationships and eliminates the sense of stress that often plagues and limits other relationships where this is absent. This feeling, in turn, has a strong draw toward it and encourages further acts of disclosure and communication. When things are not being concealed, there is less effort spent in covering up or holding up an image of yourself that is false or not complete.

This does not mean that every little thing in your mind should be spoken, nor that things should be communicated by blaming or accusing the other person. It is a way of being present as yourself, with your truth, in a gentle and loving manner. The responsibility that comes with this is to reach for your highest self when formulating that truth, and to be present and put goodness into the world with your acts and your words.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes
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