Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote that the secret to a peaceful relationship is realizing you’re on the same side. We consider this a very basic aspect of peaceful relationships, and here are several other posts we’ve written on this topic.
How Being on the Same Side Strengthens Your Relationships “One of the joys of this approach is the sense that Maude is both different from me and also not a threat of any sort, and it is an extraordinary sense, somewhat like looking at a cat or a bird or a tree and marveling that they each have their own completely different life. But with Maude, we have our humanity in common. I see her different ways of doing and being, and this gives me an opportunity to look at how I’ve (re)acted and leads me to look deeper into who I am, and adds to the sense of myself. MAUDE: We don’t feel that tension around differences because we know we are on the same side and that we both want that best possible outcome for all. It is never “my way or the highway,” and even when handling bigger issues, we know we are going to find a way to handle things that will make both of us feel right about it.”
There’s Only One Side in Peaceful Relationships—the Same Side “Compromise is a word that has different meanings to many. It is often interpreted as a means of giving up something in order to get something else. It is used in this way in both bargaining and negotiating. A basic definition of these terms points out the nature of the issue: “Bargaining is often described as a ‘win-lose’ scenario, where one party gains at the expense of the other, whereas negotiation aims for a ‘win-win’ outcome where both parties benefit.” In each of these styles of reaching solutions, there is an implied separateness between the people. You are on one side, and the other person is on a different side. Peaceful paths require a foundational understanding that you are both on the same side. What does it mean to be on the same side? In the relationship between Phil and me, as well as my other deepest relationships, we know as a given that we always want the best for each other. We know that we share values and meanings. We may, and do, use different words to talk about the same thing. Yet there lies between us a sense of the “we” present at all times; not two sides, but our side. Always asking “what is the ‘we’ solution to this?” is the peaceful path.”
How it Helps to Remember You’re on the Same Side in Relationships “We share a process for working out differences and solving problems that creates mutual solutions; ones in which neither party gives up what is important to them and where tensions, anger or distance can dissolve. (Some links to blogs describing this process appear at the bottom.) A foundational aspect of this process is approaching each other with the firm understanding that you are on the same side. Sometimes, if distance or estrangement has occurred in your relationships, this simple recognition will change the whole nature of your exchanges. Often being on the same side involves sharing basic values: you want the best for each other, you both want to come from love not fear, you want an answer that leaves you both feeling good and getting the basics of what you want or need.”