How Balance and Peace are Intertwined in Your Relationships
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PHIL: We were talking with a friend about how we have a balance of time together and time apart that works for both of us. We know another couple who spend much more time together, and that balance works for them. Our friend asked how to handle an imbalance where one person wants more time together. I said it would involve each person speaking about what their needs are, and why togetherness or time alone is important. By speaking about it, each person gets insight into what is underneath those needs, and the other person hears what motivates the speaker, too. These two acts have the potential to change the balance, and by continuing the dialogue, perhaps a more balanced position can be reached.
We have used this process of open discussion leading to change to deal with all kinds of issues, whether disagreements or decisions. It takes place in a spirit of curiosity and caring, and there is no sense of compromise in the results because each of us stays true to our needs. It works because there are always multiple possibilities on the menu of life.
We have been practicing this for so long across so many areas that it has become automatic, and the formality of sitting down and discussing something has softened into a way of interacting together. I now see it in action even in small day-to-day decisions like what movie to watch.
This sense of balance is a good description of our entire relationship, and is something we treasure. When I notice something is off, I look at it, explore what and why, and find out what is necessary to bring us back into balance. Again. I think that for this to be possible, you have to be introspective; you have to examine needs and desires and what underlies those, down to your very existential core.
Returning to the opening idea of time together and time apart, I think that time apart is where you find yourself, and time together is where you find connection, which is the nature of humans, and indeed of everything. I made a koan up for myself: “Is the world one or is it many?” The answer, of course, is yes.
MAUDE: We went to lunch recently with a dear friend who was in town visiting. She’s done a lot on the therapeutic end of relationship work, and we often share thoughts on common issues that come up for people. She asked us a few questions about our interactions on the subject of together and apart time.
Phil shared with her that we are equally balanced in that we both like a lot of alone time. He also shared about another couple we know and described how they like to do most things together, and how they are both very happy with that. In both cases, there is a balance that fits with a peaceful way of being together.
She then asked, what does one do when this is not in balance, and gave as an example, two people, where one wants more time doing things together than the other. We cited an example that came up for us, where I was looking, not so much for more time, but rather for different kinds of time for sharing. We wrote about it a few months ago, and have added updates in a few other posts about how this brought us more into balance.
The process we used was one which has become second nature to us, and typifies how we are with each other in our day-to-day. When something feels unbalanced, we talk with one another in a calm, gentle way about what we are feeling. We go back and forth looking together at what each of us is feeling and what that means to us. For me, this always generates a better understanding of what and why I’m feeling a particular way, especially when that feeling is of something that is off, or not quite right, as well as a better understanding of what Phil is feeling.
We often take time alone to think on the exchange, and then usually come back with thoughts and ideas of how to move forward with both of us getting what we want. It’s always a new solution, and one that is an addition to our interaction. It is always something neither of us came up with on our own.
I’ve had similar experiences with dear friends occasionally, where I feel some imbalance in the amount of exchange we have, or in one reaching out more than the other. This is not a tit-for-tat or a measuring. It is simply a sense of imbalance, and that detracts from a peaceful center for that relationship. I will talk with the other person about my feelings and hope to get an open response that will benefit both of us and help to create a better balance. This is often, but not always, successful. Sometimes you have to accept that what you each want or are capable of in this area is too different.
The real issue in all of these encounters and their solutions is finding a balance that works for both of you. The feeling of imbalance is often diffuse, but it does not feel peaceful. It feels off and occupies the mind in a way that causes disquiet.
Turning inward to look at what you are feeling is an important component to growth. When you know and have examined what is really of meaning for you, you can communicate more openly and honestly, and with love.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Phil and granddaughter balancing on a shark
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