How Individuality and a Sense of “We” Can Coexist in a Relationship
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PHIL: When I grasp an idea, it can be like an epiphany. Several of my psychological understandings were like that. The first was reading “I’m OK, You’re OK” as a teenager. It was the first time I learned that we had unconscious motivations; that was not the kind of subject that was taught either at school or at home.
Another revelation was reading Maggie Scarf in The Atlantic where she wrote that we have hidden parts of ourselves that we cannot acknowledge, so we choose a partner who has them. The spendthrift marries the financial planner; the introvert marries the party animal. The properties that initially attracted us become annoyances. The spendthrift and the planner clash over credit card bills; the introvert hates their spouse taking over the backyard barbecuing with their friends.
I describe this because of the contrast with how Maude and I handle differences – we honor them as being markers of each other’s individuality, and celebrate them as bringing diversity into our lives.
So how are we different from Maggie Scarf’s clients? Maybe we’re well-matched, but that doesn’t explain how thoroughly different we are from them. If something like this arises, we look inside for the reason instead of projecting it outward to the other person. We’re motivated to do that in part because we don’t like arguing; that’s not because we aren’t both completely capable of doing so, but we know, through intuition and experience, that there are other ways to resolve differences. That also sits on top of the knowledge that we share core values. Then there is that recognition that we are each separate individuals – how can the other person’s wants and needs be less valid than mine?
MAUDE: When you can really learn to feel and act from a deep respect and honoring of the unique personality of every individual, it provides an open space/place to hold the experience of the sacred “we” that also exists in every relationship. The more you are comfortable with your own individuality and the more that is fostered within a relationship, the easier it becomes to recognize and acknowledge that sense of the “we” as also being there. We teach a process for seeking and finding this mutuality, when making plans and finding solutions, that opens this up as a direct experience. The more you practice finding that mutuality the more this sacred “we” will also live within your relationship. I was discussing this with a dear friend who described it as an umbrella. She said “In the bright intensity of differences, to create the comfort of shade and to give coolness to the heat, we stand under one umbrella.”In your relationship, honor each other’s uniqueness and leave space for the sacred “we” Click To Tweet
PHIL: I want to emphasize that this “we” is not at the expense of my own sense of self. This stands in contrast to previous relationships of mine that had a sense of constraint, of expectations, of suffocation. It fits right in with (or is the same as) the feeling of being fully accepted.
There isn’t any sense of obligation or of needing to make an effort to maintain a balance. I might look at a sink full of dishes, think “I haven’t washed up recently,” and do the dishes, but there is no sense of keeping score at all. Instead, the sense is more like riding a bicycle. It happens so naturally that it becomes impossible to imagine it any other way, just as riding a bike becomes so second nature that losing balance just doesn’t happen.
My sense of self and the sense of the relationship, the “we”, are different experiences that exist at the same time, and this is very strange; it feels like a wonderful gift I have been given that adds to me, rather than something that I have acquired in exchange by trading part of me.
MAUDE: In moving toward more peaceful and harmonious ways of relating, you can apply all of these understandings and attitudes. Intention is one of the critical factors. Depending on each relationship and their patterns and peculiarities, you will move slower or faster toward your goals. Speaking your intentions out loud to one another can be very helpful. The more often you come from the “we” when making decisions and plans, the less you will be occupied with I, me, my. Having to be right fades in importance to finding areas of mutual joy and satisfaction. This will not only expand and grow your relationships, but will do the same for your relationship with yourself.
Once you embark on this path, your appetite for it will grow exponentially. Interacting with others from a realization of accepting differences and individuality can ignite an epiphany that will flood you with a sense of peace and inner calm.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Wooden sculpture gifted by Sonia Nomada Hayward
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Thank you for this week’s blog. I love your discussion and elaboration of the me-ness and we-ness perspective to relationship.
Thanks. I think this is a hard idea to get across, so I’m happy that you get it.
Clearly these deep epiphanies of which you speak are main ingredients of who we each become. Yes, attracting the parts of ourselves that are unspoken is a path I relate to and it’s been a lifetime to understand this. Finding language that can honor what becomes our individual essence is our way to feel unity and be together. The ways in which you describe feeling solid, honoring differences without defenses makes it possible to move as a “we” while staying aware of our individual differences. I feel connected to your teaching as you both walk your talk. Thank you as right here you’ve matched words to describe this sacred process!
Reminds me of this song
Beautifully expressed and on target.
Thank you for your dedication in helping partners make their relationships as pleasant and healthy as possible.
A great service!
Warmly, Patricia Folk