How Relationships are Your Path Toward Growth

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MAUDE: As I continue on this year’s adventure of spending intimate time with those with whom I have deep relationships, I keep learning more about myself. This has been one of the unexpected and profound realizations as I experience these adventures. I will add that an unexpected and delightful occurrence has been that a few people have asked to be included in this adventure in order to create deeper connections.

I am becoming more aware of how critical our relationships are to our own growth. Looking inward to realize and get to know more of ourselves is an integral part of gaining self-knowledge. It is also an important path toward peaceful relationships. Interacting with other people gives us a special window into ourselves and is very different from relating to a chair, as Phil once joked!

Phil and I were talking the other night, and he said, “When I feel myself reacting to someone with discomfort, withdrawal, or confusion, I go inside and talk it over with myself. I ask, “Hmm, what is going on inside of me that is bringing this turmoil or reaction?” And there is the practice perfectly described!

What is going on inside me? What is this reaction about? A rich field of learning and growth awaits those who follow this path. It removes conflict, blame, withdrawal, and judgment in one simple act. To reap the most benefit from such self-exploration, look for what values are involved. Are there real values involved, or is this reaction some leftover vestige of earlier life? Is this fear-motivated, or love-motivated?

Ultimately, when we follow this path, we realize how we can best be of service and how we can apply our unique abilities toward bringing love and goodness into the world. We become active participants in spreading peace into a world where it is sorely needed.

PHIL: In the last few years, I’ve been thinking about how language is a relatively recent invention, and its benefits have been so great that we use it for all our interactions with the world. Before language, we used senses, instincts, feelings, intuitions to survive in the world (and successfully so, or else we wouldn’t be here.) All of those responses still exist, but I (and most other people, I think) only pay attention to the verbal half.

Isn’t this fascinating! There is a whole other part of me that influences my life that I don’t pay attention to. Sure, this is not an original insight; Freud, Kahneman, and others have written about this, but I find the verbal/nonverbal divide a useful way to think about it. To understand my other side, I must move my attention away from words, and what I find, I cannot (by definition) even speak about. The best I can do is use words to point.

This new framing is why I have taken to meditating again: sitting in the morning, following the breath, trying to shift attention from a verbal view of the world, mainly what happened and what might happen, to nonverbal experiences: my breath, the tension in my shoulders, the way I am not sitting straight, the sound of the garbage truck, emotions that arise, what I need at Ralph’s – no, wait, I’m back thinking again! It’s a task I largely fail at, despite years of sporadic practice.

But that way of watching but not reacting seeps out into the world, and I am finding that more and more, when something happens that jars me or pushes a button, I stop and say What is happening? Oh, this is interesting. What is it inside me that I’m responding to? What is going on for me here that I’m having this reaction? It gives me a choice. And by doing this, I roll through the days more easily.

Maude, on hearing this, pointed out that it is with relationships that these kinds of reactions arise; a chair doesn’t produce the same responses.

These reactions are an opportunity to look at myself and how I relate to others (or perhaps avoid relating). Each time is an opportunity to respond more honestly.

I think some kind of introspection is necessary for growth. We’ve all heard of or know people with 4 or 5 marriages; they strike me as people who have not been able to look at what they are doing.

My verbal and nonverbal sides each have their own language and wisdom, and they each have my best interests at heart. I am trying to hear both voices.

Graphics credit: Phil Mayes

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