How To Deal With The Bumps You Encounter In Your Relationships

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MAUDE: The path toward peaceful relationships is not filled with continuous agreement or having the same point of view on all things; at least, it doesn’t always appear to be. More often there are places along the way where you bump up against each other, revealing a place that could lead to discord, disharmony, or a feeling of estrangement.

What can you do with these potential issues, these anomalies in your relationships? When relationships are built on openness and trust, it becomes possible to view these occurrences as a chance to deepen your understanding of each other. No, I am not just washing over important feelings, wants, or even needs. I’m only pointing out that the usual interpretation of these feelings is not the only one.

Phil and I have developed a way of moving in and through these collisions (yes, that’s what they feel like at first!), with a grace and love that has never failed us. It has only deepened our knowing of each other and our understanding of how to do this dance and reap the most benefit. We grow ever closer by knowing this is possible. When you know what to do and have the assurance of experience to guide you through any potential labyrinth, it removes the fear and defensive responses that usually accompany such exchanges.

If you desire true peace within yourself and in your relationships, you too can find such a path. Peaceful relationships cultivate openness and trust. A constancy develops from knowing where the values lie within you and between you. The sense of safety derives from the repeated experience that the two of you are always on the same side. You approach each other from this trust, not as adversaries.

This sense of trust allows a different behavior when moments of apparent clashing occur. You are interested in how the other person feels without any thought of who is right or wrong. You also feel safe and able to communicate what you are feeling. These sharings are devoid of blame and accusation. When you share about your feelings, it is clear you are talking about just that, how you feel. When you are listening, it is clear that you are hearing what the other person feels. It’s not at that point about you.

It is important to switch your viewpoint in these moments to asking yourself, “What is the value here for each of us? What value is motivating me, and why is this so meaningful to me?” Keep going deeper and asking each other what underlies that feeling, and then what underlies that…and do this back and forth with gentleness and trust. Listen to yourself. Listen to each other. As you go deeper, you will frequently find that the same values are being expressed differently.

This process is an amazing gift in the growth of any relationship. It feels almost magical, and yet it is built step by step by being open and trusting.

PHIL: We had an issue between us that was large at the time and seemed to be a difference in values, core values, even. We’ve always said that you have to have matching core values for a relationship to work, but this wasn’t a deal-breaker in any sense at all. That wasn’t even on the horizon.

So I find it interesting that what we have called core values isn’t upsetting that deeper connection that we have. It exists because we both turn up. We are present, we present ourselves, there is no blame.

We start these posts by jamming on ideas and recording them, and Maude said of the other person:

They’re talking about themselves. They’re trying to tell you how they feel, you know. They’re just exploring how they feel. There’s no good or bad, or it’s right or wrong. There’s no right or wrong about feelings, you know. It’s, and it’s not about the other person.

This fits in with what we have said before about accepting differences; everyone is unique, and they are going to look at things differently, so just accept that.

This connection between us came about because we were both initially open with each other. This means sharing yourself honestly, rather than how you would like to be seen by others. Here’s an excerpt from an interview in our last book:

James: Before I met Rita, I was dating, and it just got so frustrating because you meet somebody and put up a front to be more attractive, but then ultimately you have to be honest, so I just decided that I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to care about anything any more, and just live my life. So when I would meet somebody, I would just be completely honest and open right on the very ?rst date, and tell her everything about me. All the stuff I’d done right, all the stuff I’d done wrong – just no secrets! And then, if you still want to meet for another date or something that’s great, but I’m not going to put up a front.

Openness like that generates trust, and trust invites openness; the two reinforce each other. Over time, the sense of being able to talk about anything with Maude has grown, until it has become a deep knowing. It is also reinforced by my sense that I, like all of us, need relationships; they are how we survive in the world, and there is a comfort in that connection, even as I also need alone time.

This deep well of trust is how we can bring even highly charged issues to the table and explore, rather than fight.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes

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