Why Being All In is Important for Your Relationship
Maude came up with the phrase “all in” the other night, and that simple phrase crystallized how we experience our relationship.
You’ve probably been in a conversation with someone who keeps checking his cell phone. “Uh huh, I’m listening.” Or you’ve worked on a project with someone who doesn’t pull their weight because – oh, they always have a reason, but after the nth time, they start sounding like excuses. Or it’s the worker who does a sloppy job, even though she’s capable of so much more.
What’s missing in these cases? They’re not all in, and it shows. Phil used to check email while on the phone with Maude, and she could unerringly pick up on that. The experience of being with someone who is all in is tangible.
It’s rarely that the distracted part of you is doing anything useful. The efficiency of multi-tasking has been exposed as an illusion – we’re actually switching attention constantly between several tasks, and switching like that has a cost. “Multitaskers performed much worse on cognitive and memory tasks that involved distraction than did people who said they preferred to focus on single tasks.” (Chronicle of Higher Education.) So why do we act this way? Is it because we crave stimulation, and multiple sources are better than one? Or is it because our attention is like a dog off the leash, running around and sniffing at everything within range?
When we do not find enough stimulation in one source, it’s rarely because that source is boring; instead, it’s because we are not paying sufficient attention.
Being all in, being present, is important for your relationship #quote #relationships #presence Click To TweetBut the rewards of attention are great, because the more we examine something, the more detail we find in it, like a fractal. Paying attention to the breath is a great example; if you’ve never meditated, you may not believe the power of this seemingly pointless exercise.
When you bring your full attention to your partner, when you are all in, both of you benefit immensely. For us, this phrase describes the deepest aspect of our union with each other. It includes our physical, mental and spiritual presence. There is nothing held back, nothing hidden or unavailable. When we approach each other, when we join, we are fully present.
This kind of presence with each other creates an unbreakable bond between us. It strengthens us and renews us. It makes interacting with the many problems and conflicts of the world much easier. It nourishes and supports us.
We are joined in this amazing way without giving up anything of our individual identities. In fact, we are each much more as individuals due to this sharing with each other. We know that neither of us will ever attack the other. We will not withdraw our presence and attention. We know that we will not be forced to defend ourselves to each other. We are loyal, monogamous and committed for the long term. This is what provides us with the underpinning to experience this kind of all in presence.
We believe that this kind of connection is achievable for many couples and is worth aiming for if you haven’t experienced this level of sharing in your relationship.
For each couple, there will be a different basis of behavior that will make this experience possible. They will have their own needs and circumstances that will allow them access to this state of being. Do you know what yours are? Have you two discussed this kind of thing with each other? What makes you feel safe? This can be a fruitful conversation between you and will help you to find out more about each other and what you can create together for the most fulfilling union.
Being all in is tantamount to being present, but by using a different phrase, we can grasp it differently. Being all in is like all of the pieces of you are in the same box. There is no feeling of part of you missing. You can move as a whole. Be all in with the next task, pleasure or person in your life. Once you have experienced this type of presence, you will want as much as you can get!