Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week, we wrote about how to deal with the bumps you encounter in your relationships. Here are some of our previous posts that touch on different aspects of this area.
How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now? One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness.”
How to Deal With Decisions and Disagreements in Your Relationship “There are multiple ways to solve a problem, and by exploring, you can find a solution that works for both of you because it will fit with your shared values. There is a solution out there somewhere, even though you can’t imagine it in the face of that daunting 100 ft. cliff. Here’s where the fun comes in. You can find a path toward mutual solutions: a place where both of you are happy, satisfied, and even enriched beyond your original version of the solution. It is a co-creative process of listening, exploring, and searching for the values and important aspects of what underlies each others’ wants, and then finding a path to mutual satisfaction. To do this, two factors are necessary: belief and intention. You need to believe that there is a place where the two of you can come together on an issue without either one of you feeling you are giving something up or deferring just to have peace. This is nothing like what is often referred to as compromise; that involves one or both parties giving something up in order to move forward. Finding a mutual solution is quite different from compromise. In addition to all that is the intention to reach that place. Unlike wishing for a pony or a Ferrari, your desires can make it so. Check with your partner and make it a conscious agreement.”
Why Are Core Values Important in All Your Relationships? “What do you do when differences arise in relationships? Aren’t there always times when you are inevitably at odds? Here are some examples of the kinds of things people get hung up on:
- My roommate is a slob; they leave dishes in the sink and clothes all over the place.
- My friend never calls me; it’s always me reaching out to make contact.
- I can’t stand it when my partner spends money without regard to the budget we’ve agreed on.
Some of these issues are material: where you live, what your physical needs are, how important possessions are to you. Others are emotional, to use the term broadly. What’s your balance of privacy and connection? What are your expectations of support? What do your religious beliefs call for? These can be thought of as wants, needs, and values, though they blend into each other somewhat. By looking at what yours are, and how they match with other people, you get a clearer view of your compatibility.”