Successful Relationships Reading Corner
This week we said that the secret to agreement is creating something neither of you imagined. You do this by finding a mutual solution. Here are some articles we’ve written on that topic.
How to Find Mutual Solutions and Avoid Conflict “Start out sharing what you desire in this situation, speaking from the ‘I’ and then listen while your partner does the same. Slowly, the wants and needs that are associated with this desire emerge. You go deeper, sharing again in turn what is underneath this image, each time reaching closer to what it is your core wants and needs are. The trick to working through disagreements without descending into conflict is to realize that, although you want something, there is usually an underlying desire behind that want, and there are several ways to satisfy that desire. Below that desire is a deeper want, which again can be sated in a number of different ways. You’re not generally conscious of these deeper needs until you look closely. Take turns speaking and listening to each other. Speak of what you want and why you want it. As you do this the most surprising thing occurs. You find out much more about what you actually want and you hear your partner doing the same. Knowing what the other person wants, you can propose other possibilities that might work for both of you. The original images of what would satisfy you have broadened and opened. By talking back and forth and exploring what you want and why you want it, you will find more and more crossover points that you both desire, and an image begins to emerge, a solution or activity that works for both of you.”
How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “In thinking about this very common point in the development of a partnership, I realized that there is something a bit backwards about how this often occurs. Instead of making these larger mutual decisions without a developed process for finding mutuality, wouldn’t it yield better results to first apply a process and way to communicate and find resolutions that truly work for both concerned? We have often shared a process that we use that does just that. It not only helps to actually find out what decision and solution will work for both of you, but it creates a loving intimacy instead of what can be a time fraught with tension. Through this process you learn more about yourself, what underlies your wants and needs and simultaneously those of your partner. You each begin to truly know each other and start to find where that place of mutuality lies. Here are three of our past blogs that cover different aspects of the topic:
How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution
How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship
How to Find Mutual Solutions With Your Partner Phil and I have worked with this process for so long that we do it naturally now, and often arrive at the solution without ever visiting any problem. The more often you do this, the more that resolution that fits both of you becomes clear and a part of how you make plans and decisions together. You can go straight to the solution/decision together because it is such familiar territory, you know what if feels like.”
How to Find Peaceful Solutions Without Giving Anything Up “Often, when people think about the issue of acceptance, they think it is about compromise. Compromise is the act of giving up something to get something else. It assumes that there are different sides, and that one must settle in order to avoid conflict. It does not allow for the possibility that a resolution can be found, a resolution where, instead of giving up or changing something, you can create a solution that was not originally imaginable to either person. Without putting down compromise or its benefits, we are discussing a different path – one that is not about giving up on some part of yourself, your wants and perhaps even needs, but rather a path that, by acting in union, allows you to find new mutual solutions.”