What is Peace in a Relationship Actually Like?

Podcast: Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

PHIL: When we talk about peace with people who have not experienced it directly, they conceive of it as an absence. It has long been associated with death—the Latin, “Resquiescat in pace,” or R.I.P., stems from the eighth century. But it is not simply an absence of disturbing emotions; it is a state of its own, just as fullness is not just an absence of hunger, but its own distinct experience.

Our task today is to describe the experience of peace as much as possible, which is tough because of the need to find words for feelings that you may not recognize.

One word would be harmony. I like this because it is the opposite of discord, and also because of the musical metaphor: two notes are harmonious when they vibrate in a simple ratio: 2:1 is an octave, 3:2 is a perfect 5th.

I don’t want to take that literally; instead, it speaks to me of similarities, which exist along with differences. We can contrast any two things according to their differences, or look at what they have in common. The former is a way of dividing: cutlery goes in the drawer, and plates in the cupboard, while similarities are unifying: cats and dogs are both mammals.

Your reality consists of what you look at. That doesn’t just mean sight; it’s all your senses and your thoughts, too, so looking at similarities instead of differences can literally change your world.

That, I think, is part of what Maude and I do to live together peacefully. The sense is of a profound silence, like being in a deep forest. (I am in awe of trees, so the simile may not work for you.) It is somewhat like the centered feeling that I can find after meditating.

Of course, similarities only go so far. We are different, too, just as any two people are, but the differences between us are less than our flexibility in handling them. The appeal of peace is so strong, having tasted it, that we both know it is what we want.

MAUDE: The number of people who have not had a recognizable experience of peace within their own lives is surprising. Many people actually have a negative association with the word without even realizing it. They imagine peace as being flat, without color or motion, static, dead even.

Peace is anything but that, whether it be within you, or between you and another. A big problem is created by not knowing through direct experience what it is. How can you find something when you don’t know what you are looking for? The empty imaginings often pull people into areas that take them away from peace with others.

Peaceful relationships and internal peace bring harmony. Harmony is absent of discord. With harmony, things are in tune, in agreement, and produce a pleasurable sense of fitting together. It emphasizes similarity rather than difference, and with that emphasis dispels divisiveness. Peace is unifying, bringing you together rather than pushing you apart. It acts as an anchor point for stillness, quiet and calm, while at the same time being colorful, dynamic and vibrant!

How can you dive into that deep pool of peace and have it as a recognizable and known experience?

As with most things you want to learn and change, living in peace takes intention and determination. It requires a special kind of flexibility. The more fixed you are in your wants and needs, the more rigid you will tend to hold onto one way of seeing and doing things. When you are on a path toward peace, you need the flexibility that allows you to seek similarities and common ground rather than fighting for one way you have predetermined.

Mindfulness and meditation are practices that lead you on a path toward peace, a doing that leads toward being. I won’t say much more about those here as there is abundant information to be found elsewhere. One way to locate the feel of peace is to think of something that brought you pleasure. You will discover that often at the heart of such an event is that very sense of peace you are seeking. Look for it, listen for it, and find it in your memories.

Being in nature brings with it a strong sense of peacefulness for many. The quiet and stillness so often to be found there can be internalized and carried forth within you. Pay attention to what you feel when you are in such an environment. Notice what your body is feeling and how your breathing has changed. Become aware of how present you are.

Phil and I share a relationship filled with peace. We choose peace, knowing what it is and how it feels. And we are convinced that anyone who seeks this state of being will find it, and that when they do, it will transform them and all their relationships entirely. When enough people know peace, it will change the world.

Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: As seen on East Beach, Santa Barbara

Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.

Get our free weekly newsletter about how to have a harmonious relationship.

Tell your friends!