Why Knowing Your Values is so Important for all Your Relationships
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MAUDE: I’ve been thinking a lot about my deep relationships with friends, family, and my partner, Phil. What makes those relationships so full of support for my own personal growth, comfort, wisdom, laughter, and relaxation? What brings me the most peace from those interactions? One of the most important elements is the sharing of values, core values. Those are the values from which I make my life choices and guide my path forward.
They are one of the main things that has drawn me to the relationships that have grown into deep and lasting ones, even when this happened on a level below my awareness. These values are the ones that define how I experience my relationship to others and govern how I relate to them.
Many of you may not have thought about what your core values are, although you sense and operate from them in much of what you do. I have found that as I grow and mature and come to know myself more, I form them into words and thoughts, so that I can recognize what they are and talk about them.
This ability to verbalize what your values are creates new opportunities in your relationships. As you look at and come to know what is of most meaning to you, it opens up a wonderful possibility for communication. Approaching this kind of exchange with a loved one can be rich and enable all kinds of new channels of understanding. It can be sweet and tender when approached as a chance for more open connections.
So much of what is exchanged between people is about the day-to-day events and travails of one’s life. That is important and has its place, but sharing about what your values are and what another person means to you from that perspective can transcend the concerns of everyday life and elevate your connection immensely. I have recently had this experience with one of my children, which gave both of us great joy. I try to communicate a bit of this to each and every one of my dear ones.
If you undertake this kind of conversation, it is best done as an exploratory interaction, having nothing to do with right or wrong, comparisons, or demands. Although knowing a person’s core values helps a great deal in finding a mutual position when decisions or solutions are being sought, that is not what I am suggesting here. I am talking about an uncharged simple sharing of what is most valued by each of you and underlies most of your choices; not to solve anything, but rather to come to know in words and thoughts what is most important to each of you. Doing this can rejuvenate a long-term relationship.
Knowing this about each other is a great gift and one worth seeking together. There is another element that has rich potential, which is that every relationship has its own core values at root. If we all spent more time in our interactions exchanging what is of deep meaning and value to us, we would experience a new kind of peace within, as well as between each other. Discovering and sharing these together at any point in the relationship can bring new depth to all your exchanges, even those of decades-long experience.
PHIL: In our explorations about how we get on so well with each other, we came to recognize the issue of core values: the fact that we hold the same values, and so whatever each of us wants to do in life, the other person recognizes that it is in pursuit of the same values, and can honor it.
Values are slippery things to get hold of and name for several reasons. One is that people have absorbed many values from families and culture, and it can be hard to distinguish those from personal values, especially because they may overlap. Values are nonverbal; they are feelings about how people should be treated and how things should be in the world. To find them, it is necessary to pay attention to the feelings and put words to them.
Our values include recognizing the other person as of equal standing and honoring their autonomy. This means that we don’t infringe on each other, we don’t impinge on each other. We each walk our own path.
This has the delicious result of my being able to make my own decisions and move through the world as I wish. This doesn’t mean trampling over Maude to satisfy my desires; equal standing also implies treating her as I would want to be treated. This is the Golden Rule in action.
One of the results of this is no claustrophobia, no need to get away to find myself.
It also follows from these values that we totally accept the other person, with the result that we can approach each other without feeling that we are going to be criticized, attacked, or rejected. As a result, there is no limit to the closeness that occurs. It results in a very strong sense of “us”.
Having shared core values means that we can always see our wants and needs in that light, and makes it possible to always make decisions we agree on.
Lastly, sharing values is a large part of why we have a peaceful relationship.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Photo note: Center of Peony
Read what some other writers have to say on this topic.
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I appreciate this idea of talking about values. It’s too easy to take our values for granted and assume that other people know our values and share them. I think talking about values will give them energy and make them stronger.
Esther
I have found that looking and speaking what my own values are has been very helpful in clarifying many decisions. When we bring that same incite into our relationships it deepens them. Thank you Esther for always sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Maude
Slippery indeed. Identifying our own values can be confusing. Pointers in helping your readers identify their own values is helpful. Throughout life my values seem to waiver, shifting to accommodate relationships with those whose differ, just to keep the peace. At the age of 68 I am no longer willing to bury them and this creates conflict I usually try hard to avoid. Your writing on this topic clarifies so much and it is time for me to get them on paper. I write frequently and when reading through my journals can see a few core values popping up. But maybe with a header “My Core Values” I can get a stronger sense of what they are. But what if they are only aspirations and not really what I’m living? What if I believe “do no harm” in the Buddhist sense but have harmed many? And to compassionately share them with loved ones is another story. How do I do that without the other sensing “superiority”? Fear of conflict drives me yet I create it. I’ve read and studied numerous conflict resolution styles but have little success applying them. Conclusion: humans are filled with contradictions.
Maureen
I love your introspection.
I’ve recently returned to sitting each morning as a way of getting in touch with my inner nonverbal self. All these years and it’s still close to impossible!
A little story. Years ago, I ran a writing group which was riven by a woman accusing another member of harassing her (outside the group, btw). There was a big schism between people who wanted rules on what could be said and read, and people who felt they were constraints on self-expression (me, in the minority). I could not accept the restrictions and said I would resign. The group bifurcated and I continued running the unconstrained one. The point of this story is that when I came to the realization that I did not want to impose those rules on other people, it was a rock-solid conviction, and I look back on that as a time when I knew what was right.
So yes, it’s a challenge to find my own direction in the face of needing to please and get along wth other people. The second link in the Reading Corner has some suggestions on making a list of your core values.
Phil
Btw, I forwarded this to my partner.
Maureen
We hope this makes for some great discussions between you 🙂
Phil