We are often asked if we don’t really fight, sometimes at least; if there aren’t times and places where we compromise to get peace in our relationship or yield to our partner to make them feel good. They ask “No storms?” or wonder if we’re suppressing our feelings.
We must say no, we do not. We don’t ever argue, or fight, we don’t compromise, or take turns giving something up to get peace in our relationship. It’s due to how we interact when we disagree on something or have a decision to make. We have a method we call Our Process which is is both simple and startling in its effectiveness. It is one of the most important tools we use to create mutual solutions and find new and exciting ways to act together and express our union.
The first part of practicing this process, and probably one of the most important, is the state of mind with which you start. Think of it like a creativity session, one you approach as an adventure – one with an unknown outcome. Enter with “empty mind”.
Remember the way you felt when you were first with your partner? Remember that exhilarated sense of connection and unity that you felt when you began to know this was the person you were going to commit to? Remember that special knowing of how you were both on the same page, caring for each other and there for each other?
This place of knowing deep inside yourself that the connection is alive and well, that you are together in your desires for goodness for each other, is the base station for working this process. You need to stay firmly connected to the reason you were in the relationship in the first place. It may be a sense of comfort, of home, of support, of companionship. Search for a fragment of that, and reside within it. This is a feeling, not an idea. Stay in contact with that place, and the needs and desires of your discussion or argument will be seen in their true proportion.
Be creative with your relationship problems and you’ll never argue! #relationships #marriage Click To TweetOpen yourself to the new and unexpected. Trust that this will be fun and will give you great rewards and strengthen your experience of togetherness. Here is a short summary of Our Process:
- Find a quiet place and time to talk.
- Agree that you’re on the same side and want to find a solution together.
- Stay in physical contact: a finger, a leg, a shoulder.
- Speak in the first person about what you want. Don’t talk about what your partner does; talk about what you want, feel and think. This is critical because it transforms an accusation into a statement that gives your partner insight into you.
- Based on the knowledge of what your partner wants, propose something that might work for both of you.
- Wash, rinse, repeat, explore the landscape of possibilities, and you will find a solution that works for both of you.
This brief overview omits many of the subtleties, yet covers the main points. It works because the two of you have more ideas between you than either person alone, and when you work together creatively rather than from an ego position you can find a solution that neither of you could have proposed alone. The more times you are successful at this, the more you will come to trust that a solution is always possible, even though you cannot initially imagine what it might be.
This is an ever growing adventure on the path to spreading peace, one relationship at a time!