During an early morning embrace, Phil asked “When does the honeymoon end?” (Just to put this in context, we have been together for 12½ years!) This started a really fun conversation on how the honeymoon phase of a relationship is usually viewed and what it is that we experience, and, of course, led directly to this blog!
Very often, people talk about a relationship as having different phases, and most people teaching and working with relationships describe the honeymoon phase that lasts a relatively short while and then must be replaced by a deeper type of union. What is being referred to is the biochemical response we have when we first feel connected and excited about a partner. Ideally this is slowly replaced by a growing relationship built on shared core values.
Often what we come to know better and get used to, becomes taken for granted, and as a consequence, is remembered in mind rather than experienced in the present. Imagine that you walk the same route every day. So much remains the same. That rusting car is still in the driveway. The gravel always crunches underfoot. The corner store always has firewood for sale.
Yet in life, nothing ever repeats exactly. Your walk on Tuesday is different from the same route on Monday. The weather is different. Your thoughts are different. The cat who greeted you isn’t there a second time. You are affected by the events of the day, whether work or politics or the friend you met for lunch.
This is how it is with our relationship. Every time we come together is changed by the experience of how we were the last time. Every time we make love, we step into the union of the previous time. Our experiences accumulate, making each one new and different. The present is never a repeat of the past.
You see what you look at. If you look at your partner and see the same clothes or the same jokes or the same meals, you’ll miss the constant novelty of life. This is one of the mistakes that lead couples down the path of estrangement and distance from one another.
The honeymoon phase is biochemical, but you can keep the spark alive #relationships #marriage #quote Click To TweetTo have a successful relationship, one filled with peace and joyful passion, there are elements that must be present. Each couple may express them differently, but the same characteristics will be found.
These are some of the things that sustain us and have us experiencing the honeymoon as never ending:
- We know that we are always on the same side – we want the best for each other at all times.
- We share and express who we are with each other truly and completely.
- We know we are fully accepted for who we are and have no need to defend ourselves.
- We have no fear of the paradox of constant change, as it is balanced by our constancy with each other.
- We live in the present together; not in our minds with expectations and projections of what will or should be, but with what is (which is too delicious to trade for what we make up!)
- We have an unbroken connection whether we are together or not. Nothing occurs that creates any real distance between us.
These very basic elements may express themselves in many different ways. They may change the way they are expressed as time and situations change. However, in any vital, living and juicy relationship you will find them present. Look at your own union and check whether any of these characteristics are absent. This is a good place to start sharing and repairing if you find any missing or broken.
The honeymoon does not have to ever end! Celebrate your differences and experience each other in the moment you are in. Let’s spread peace one relationship at a time.