How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships
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MAUDE: One of the many things that happened this week was a visit from a very dear friend, who stayed with us for over a week. This visit was profound, yet simple and easy at the same time. It gave me a direct experience of total acceptance, something Phil and I have practiced and grown into fully, and which we find one of the keys to having peaceful relationships.
It was eye-opening to go through this with the understanding of what was happening as it happened. My friend lives alone, Phil and I live together, and my youngest son has been living with us for the last year and a half.
The coming together and finding a rhythm of living with each other was smooth and easy. There was a deep understanding between us that brought out a gentle openness to each other. We listened and heard what each of our individual needs were and merged into a flow of acceptance. Many of you associate acceptance with giving in and/or giving up. This is not what we refer to.
It was clear that we all wanted nothing but the best for each other. No one was holding on to having any given situation be a certain way, while at the same time, there were specific needs and desires that one or the other of us had, that needed to be honored. This acceptance was total from the beginning, but it also grew in its expression as the days went by.
It was gratifying to live through the path of total acceptance with others, as it is an important part of creating peaceful relationships. Having this experience that Phil and I live with, in the context of four people doing it together, was delicious and confirming.
This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate.
I want to include one other very important factor. Joy. It is an exquisite pleasure to be with people with whom you can share this way of being together. It feels so right and so natural. We long for the day when this practice spreads from the few to the many, and we can see that kinship between us all becomes a living reality.The more you are unquestioningly accepted, the more freedom you have to be yourself #quote #peace Share on X
PHIL: This is a very different relationship for me. I struggle to describe it because I have never met these qualities before. It is a place of peace that feels like home; not a place I reside in all the time, but the place I return to, the place where I am comfortable. It’s a really interesting experience of both having a completely separate existence and of being completely in sync and in tune with Maude.
So the question arises of how we do this, and I think a lot of the answer lies in what we don’t do, and that is to interfere with what the other person is doing. We’re not perfect, of course, but we do pretty well at understanding that each of us has our own interests, ideas, and ways of doing things. This is what allows me to reside in a place of peace where I do not worry about whether what I am doing meets with approval or not.
It is also freeing in the sense that I don’t have to worry; I don’t have to act like a manager checking that his worker is doing things correctly.
I never survived in any other relationship for more than about three years, and yet with Maude, I’m about to hit 20 years. Much of that earlier dissatisfaction was of my own making; I had expectations about intelligence, looks, and interests that were unrealistic, but I now see there was another aspect. After those breakups, along with the loss I had a sense of finding myself again. What did I like, what did I want to do, questions that were always moderated by how they would fit with the relationship.
With Maude, there is no sense of losing myself, and hence no need to make space in order to find myself again.
I’m not saying that there is no caring, no doing things for or with each other; of course there is, but it is a giving, not a taking. This is a subtle point. We have tasks that we take on like changing the sheets and taking the trash out, but they never turn into expectations.
So that is why I say that much of the answer lies in what we don’t do. We do positive things, too: honesty, respect, trust, but it is total acceptance that creates the sense of peace.
Photo credit: Phil Mayes
Photo note: Maude and Catherine in San Anselmo
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This is a lovely post, Phil & Maude, on the workings of a successful relationship. Thanks for sharing it.
Jeanine
I am the guest that enjoyed the welcome and easy week+ with Phil and Maude. YES!! Clearly, it is in the intention to be in full acceptance of each party involved as well and feel the joys of our connections that we create with each other. We were able to move in and out of the days…and share our time and thoughts …a syncopation and joyful relaxation made a lovely week for all of us.
Iris
You made this experience so easy, as acceptance is your natural way! May this wonderful way of living in peace spread one relationship at a time!
Maude
Every thing you share is valid and admirable. I think an unspoken factor (whether you realize it or not) of your authentic harmonic relationship, is the physical CHEMISTRY you two blend together. Other couples, who may have the same intention as you, may not ever be able to achieve such a union simply because they don’t share a complementary chemistry. I don’t think it’s something that can be acquired. Hence Phil, why you’ve never experienced it before. Just my opinion and I rejoice in the fact the two of you have actualized the Ideal!
Sonia
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this post. I agree that couples have different degrees of chemistry. However, I am a bit puzzled on what that has to do with this post and for several reasons. The first is that the emphasis of this post is not on couples. We talk from our experience, and yes we are a couple, but n this instance, it was the experience between Phil and I, a visiting friend and my son, all living with this degree of awareness and acceptance of the others that we shared. Further, what Phil was pointing out about his former relationships was the example of one partner who always wanted everything to be her way and where he,, as a result, did not feel that he was able to be himself. I think that we can learn to practice relating peacefully in all our relationships, and that one of the important factors for this to be possible is learning to accept people for who they are, and how the are. Again, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and I wish you peace in your relationships as well.
Maude
I appreciate this idea about acceptance. Once I can get to this state of mind, Life is so much easier to bear. You inspire me to try harder to achieve peace.
Esther
Thank you Esther, for sharing your feelings to this post. I am so happy to hear that it has inspired you to work toward peace in your own experiences. I think what is important for all of us is our intentions and that we continue to strive to grow toward those intentions.
Maude