How to Blend Connection and Separation in Your Relationship

How to Blend Connection and Separation in Your Relationship

This week, Maude has been away each night taking care of the grandchildren, and she recently took one of them up to the Bay area for a week. None of this put a ripple in our relationship. We have a constant ease and comfort with each other.

You might say that this is because we remain connected, as opposed to the feeling of disconnection that can occur when a couple separate, requiring some degree of repair every time they rejoin. Perhaps they have some feeling of abandonment or anxiety or deficiency that has to be assuaged. That’s not us at all.

How can this be?” we ask ourselves. What is the substance of this transcendent connection? We talked this over before writing this blog, and this is what we came up with. Most couples who share the kind of long-term loving relationships we talk about will know what we are describing. We have a sense of ease and comfort by virtue of being so fully in the relationship.Our commitment to the relationship paradoxically allows complete freedom #relationships #marriage Share on X


Our commitment to the relationship makes such a life possible. It creates complete trust in each other, and from that, nothing the other person does is unsettling. We have no worries or strain when one of us is elsewhere, even for extended periods. This trust and ease allow each of us to be free and creative and to be out interacting with the world without any sense of stepping away from the relationship. (What makes such commitment possible is a whole other subject; perhaps we’ll cover that some other time.)


We’re cool with what the other person does. We don’t feel a need to control what they do or how they behave. There is no need to check up on each other; no feeling of concern or sense of separation. Our relationship is not founded in neediness. We are each whole individuals without the other, but by choice, we are together and find ourselves greatly added to as a result. We think this is a big deal in relationships, and furthermore, it’s a two-way street, offering complete freedom. How valuable is that? (In our book we call it the 100% factor.) It allows for a rich and colorful life without stepping away from the relationship.


We feel connected even when apart because we understand each other well. We know what’s going on with each other. We share our hopes, our frustrations, our responses to people, our parking problems. It all adds up to an awareness of what makes the other tick, and that is the path to understanding. We find happiness in the other’s pleasure and fulfillment and do not see our relationship as diminished if our partner is occupied with something else. At the same time, we put time and attention into really being together and always make sure that we share ourselves and experiences often and regularly. We are aware of maintaining balance and communicate any needs that come up.

What are your experiences like? You may not practice exactly what we describe but still have the same result. How do you do it? We share this as always to point out what is possible, and also to stimulate thinking in the direction of what can be improved toward the goal of creating peaceful and working relationships. Won’t you join us?

Tell your friends!

2 Comments on “How to Blend Connection and Separation in Your Relationship

  1. Phil and Maude,
    A note to let you know I await your blog (with listening option) knowing that each time it will be as if you’re talking to us all directly with a wisdom borne of feet on the ground joy in the heart practice study and a solid warm joyous conviction that comes from years of experence held in love.
    I’m 61 and have desired this kind of relationship throughout my life and have spent many years clearing the obstacles to make this possible. I believe my best relationship is yet to come and your generous sharing is a beacon.

    Don’t stop. I don’t often see comments from others however please don’t stop!!
    Have worked as a psychologist for many years engaged in a deep personal journey in therapy and life and simply haven’t come across anything as valuable inspiring and helpful.
    I’ve been caring for elderly parents supporting them in the way I can in their last years.
    Now they are both ‘in paradise’ so I can pay more attention to creating my life.
    I’ll now have time to comment more often.
    Eternally grateful ?

    • Dear Marie,

      We want to thank you for your intimate sharing. It feels great to be heard. We write with commitment each week, trusting that our message reaches people, but it is wonderful when we hear it echoed back to us and can see that it is being understood.

      We also want to let you know that next week’s blog was in part inspired by your comment.

      Peace, Phil and Maude

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