How to Let Conflicts Go Until You Can Talk Without Charge

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Here’s a conversation we had that illustrates how you can connect without a negative charge on a topic that could be loaded.

PHIL: I think this might be the perfect time to talk about something that happened a few days ago. We were writing a post for that Sunday, and I remember you being kind of cross with me for not getting down to finishing it. I’m wondering if your experience was different from mine.

MAUDE: It was different. I wasn’t cross, but I did notice that I was feeling thrown off by the seeming lack of working together with an awareness of each other. I was trying to share with you the need to communicate about timing when we’re working together on something, because your timing impinges on mine in that situation.

PHIL: Okay. So when we have joint work to do, for instance on a post we are working on, you would like to know that this is going to happen at four o’clock or twelve o’clock. Would it help if I try to give you a time? I think I usually do.

MAUDE: It might not have to be that specific. It wasn’t so much about the post itself; that was just an example of the feeling I was trying to share with you. I wasn’t miffed at you because you didn’t start the post; I was trying to communicate that I felt like I keep pushing my things off and out and further away because it becomes later and later, and then I don’t even get to do some of them. We need to set up some more satisfying way of scheduling work together.

PHIL: I have trouble fitting everything in my day as well. But I don’t want that to be taken as me saying “Yeah, well it’s tough for me too,” so much as I’m bringing it to the table as a factor that needs to get taken into account. If I was able to manage my time better, I’d be very happy.

MAUDE: I hear you. I do feel there’s an element there of resistance to having to make a plan or commit to working together at a certain point and time regardless of everything else. That is what I was trying to communicate. I feel like I’m accommodating that element, but sometimes it really throws me off, you know?

PHIL: Yeah, I do. I think I have an allergy to set specific limits and times; I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say allergy, because it’s quite a strong response. Which doesn’t mean that it can’t be modified in some way, if not corralled. I want to find a solution that makes us both feel good about how it works.

MAUDE: That’s why I came to you to talk about this phenomenon of how to work together.

PHIL: And I got the feeling you were feeling upset with me. That might be projection on my part, or it might be some reaction on your part, who knows? But it’s simply that I took the interaction differently than you did.

MAUDE: I had a sense of not feeling good about it, so I tried to come and talk to you. But because I already didn’t feel good, it probably came out in some way that caused you to feel attacked. And after saying several times that it wasn’t an attack on you and that I was trying to talk about this thing, I saw that whatever tone of voice or body language I had used, I’d already communicated something that was making you feel defensive. So I just dropped it because it would have to happen at some other time when we could talk about it in a non-charged manner like we are right now.

PHIL: Okay. And can we talk about how we brought this to the table and talked about it?

MAUDE: Well, I think one of the important things is that it didn’t work the first time because there was charge associated with it and it caused defensiveness; it made it impossible to work on it. But I was able to let it go because I knew there would be another time when it would work for us to talk about it, you know?

PHIL: Yes. I want to point out that between those interactions and us sitting down this evening and talking about it, there wasn’t any charge left over. It was just you and me, peaceful as usual during that period.

MAUDE: Yes, both people have to be able to let it go. The relationship has to provide that assured feeling, like we both trusted that such a moment would present itself. In the interim, it’s not present, it’s been let go of; it’s not there between you or me. I think that is a skill that takes some developing, actually, to let go like that.

PHIL: I’d like to point out that there is a choice to be made here as well. Feeling defensive is not a comfortable feeling, and I don’t want it. So when the interaction is over, I let go of it, and what makes it easy to let go is that you’ve let go of it as well. So I just meet up with you, say “Hi” and there we are, back on the usual track.

MAUDE: Yes; not only waiting for a non-charged moment, but knowing that the moment will occur and in the interim, it’s been completely let go; there’s nothing out of balance between us.

PHIL: Hmm. Well, what do we do or not do for that to happen?

MAUDE: I think it’s because there is an assurance that a moment will come when we’ll be able to do it in a different way where there is no charge and because we both want to communicate with each other and not hold on to anything that’s going to make the other person feel defensive or feel accused.

PHIL: I still find it really eerily strange that I have this total assurance that when you and I meet on something like this, we’re going to reach a position that works. I think it’s partly because we’re both open to looking at our own behavior and being open to the possibility of that not being perfect and maybe changing it. I think you can get to a position where you go “I’m not my behavior. Behavior is something I do.” And if I have the will, I can do something differently.

Another thing is that our sense of the relationship is a very tangible thing. It’s a unitary experience that we both understand. This experience of us is what we rely on. It gives us the confidence to talk about anything without charge because of the knowledge that it’s gonna work out; that we both want to find a solution that is best for both of us and we believe we will. And it’s a very weird experience to have that total belief, but it is based on our long-time experience with each other and the trust we have developed through those experiences together.

Photo credit: A friend
Photo note: Phil and Maude at lunch

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