In last week’s blog we discussed what sacred space is in a relationship. In short, it’s time set aside without any outside distractions when you can enjoy each other’s company and reconnect emotionally. There are still a number of questions to be looked at. Why is sacred space important in a relationship, and how do you create and maintain it?
Sacred space is a critical component of all successful relationships. If you are to stay in love and in true contact with your mate, you must spend time with them and share times where they have your total attention. It requires exchanges full of pleasure and shared appreciation to maintain that sense of closeness that supports an understanding that you are partners, that you’re on the same side. You need to know through the actual experience of union that you want the same things if you are to truly seek mutual solutions. It is not enough to know this in your mind or to remember it from close times gone by. This must be a regular ongoing exchange in order to create the kind of bond that leads to conflict free relating. When you share this kind of intimacy as a living part of your relationship, you will be strengthened to handle whatever life brings you, and both of you will be grounded in a flow of peace and love that allows for true partnership to flourish. Without it, you will slowly drift apart and eventually become strangers who remember a time when you were lovers and mates.
In the beginning of a relationship, you do this naturally. You concentrate on the other person in order to get to know them, and as your desire to develop the relationship grows, this interest and attention toward them also grows. You find yourself present with the other person and wanting to share your inner self with them. The connection between you is palpable and exciting.
As time goes on, many people slowly lose this element of their relationship. They get so busy with children, bills, friends and survival that the very thing that could make all of these issues work better and easier for them, their intimate connection, gets shoved to the back burner and often eventually gets lost.
So how can you maintain this connection? How can you maintain this sacred space of your relationship? The main key is that you have to make it a high priority. Make time for it. Yes, yes, we’ve all got busy lives, but that’s an excuse, not a reason. There are several ways to change this by reframing how you see things. Instead of treating everything on your to do list as chores to be done, turn this around and say to yourself “I have a rich and fulfilling life.”
Another important trick is to realize that what you choose to do represents the priority you give to it. If you never fix that dripping faucet, it’s not really that important to you. If you watch TV for three hours a night, that’s your priority. OK, it’s not as simple as that, because the list contains both pleasures and obligations, and because we all need time to unwind. But here’s the thing: time spent with your partner is time unwinding. Or if it’s not, you have some serious business to take care of.
There is a Zen saying: “Meditate for an hour each day unless you are busy. In that case, meditate for two hours.” Time spent in your sacred space has the same result. Make sure that you do this often and with regularity, and that you protect the time and space of practicing this together.
Some helpful actions are:
- Speak your intention to do so to each other. If one of you forgets, remind the other in as warm and loving a manner as possible. (remember this is pleasure, not homework!)
- Create a ritual to separate this time from other activities. Be playful, be creative, have fun with it.
- Look directly at your partner. Eye contact is a wonderful way to bring yourself into presence and to let your partner know you are fully there.
- Stay in physical contact as much as possible. Connecting on the physical level is often calming and reassuring.
- Figure out together what kinds of things you want to do and share during your sacred space. Listen to your partner and find ways to show them that they are being heard and seen and appreciated for who they are.
You are together because of your love for each other. Honor it by maintaining a sacred space.