Reading Corner

In this week’s blog article we wrote about the difference between disagreeing and arguing. Ours is an unorthodox viewpoint, so we were pleased to find some very good articles on this topic.

Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That “All Couples Fight” “Cavemen and cavewomen probably survived by being stronger than others, more aggressive, and quicker at defending themselves in the face of stressful potential conflicts. The modern world survives, by contrast, primarily on abilities to cooperate. Stressful situations that are becoming adversarial between loving partners can escalate into ever more stressful arguments. Alternatively, they can be handled with calm, productive, collaborative talking together (link is external)that dissipates stress and yields creation of mutually comfortable solutions.”

ARGUMENT OR DISAGREEMENT? “What is important to remember is not to avoid all disagreements but to remember to respect the other person’s point of view. If you are too busy trying to get your way, you can easily forget what is important. ”

The Difference Between a Disagreement and a Fight “Just going along with your spouse and forgetting your own wants or needs does not result in a better outcome, unless the disagreement is so minor you will not remember it tomorrow…. If you pursue a Third Alternative, an option each of you finds at least as pleasing as the one your mate turned down, you get two huge benefits.”

We are happy to announce that the results of the survey of the best blog posts of 2015 are in and we want to share them with you. It was fascinating to find out what you all thought were the most helpful posts and we so appreciate you taking the time to reread and to give us your feedback. We want our blog posts to offer the most to the reader, so this information is really helpful. Here are the three winners. Click on the links to read the full articles.

1. How to Reach Agreement Without Compromise
   The very principle behind compromise suggests that it is necessary to give something up in order to get something else, so loss or defeat is an intrinsic aspect of the process. There is nothing wrong with this approach, but it is very different from ours. We do not use compromise for making decisions and reaching agreement. Instead, we have found a process by which neither of us winds up giving anything up. Neither does one of us wind up getting “their way”, as it were.
2. How to be Successful in Your Relationship: Good Communication
   Another very critical aspect of successful relationships, especially long term relationships, is to develop and maintain deep and ongoing communication.
3. How to Avoid Power Struggles in Your Relationship
   The issue of power, of who has it and how it is exercised, doesn’t play a part for us, and there is a very good reason. Our relationship is based on a foundation of celebrating and honoring the uniqueness of each of the partners. This practice obviates the need for any one-upmanship. Each partner is complete as they are.

In this week’s blog article we write about How to be Separate Individuals with a Successful Relationship. Here are some articles that also speak to this topic.

Relationship Success: Balancing Togetherness and Individuality “A client of mine — during our initial consultation — said the following: “Here’s my issue. When I’m in a relationship, I invest so much of myself into maintaining romance and intimacy that I forget who I am as an individual. How can I balance my personal identity with my identity as a couple?”

Boundaries in Relationships “When two people come together, each with a clear definition of her or his own individuality, the potential for intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two people may bring them together, but their differences contribute to the growth, excitement and mystery of their relationship.”

Individuality “A healthy relationship supports each partner’s growth and development as an individual…. treat individuality as a vital part of relating. Far from being a threat to closeness, honoring individuality allows relationships to be rich and full.”

10 Scientifically Proven Ways To Be A Good Spouse The author offers her wedding vows and the reasons behind them: 1. “I promise to respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.” 2. “I promise to support and protect your freedom; because although our lives are intertwined, your choices are still yours alone.”

In our blog article on How to be Successful in Your Relationship: Good Communication, we emphasize the importance of talking with your partner. Here are some articles that also speak to this topic.

What is intimacy and why is it so important? “To be able to share our ‘inner-world’ with a partner we love, and to be able to share our partner’s experiences, is one of the most rewarding aspects of a relationship.”

The Importance of Communication in Relationships “Incomplete or stopped communication can create a block in the relationship. The degree of the block can vary with the severity or repeating of the communication stop. A block in the relationship exists or will grow when communication is just flat out avoided.”

The Importance of Clear Communication in a Relationship “Everyday we think of things that may concern us and it’s so important to be able to communicate that to our mates or partners clearly. Many relationships are destroyed because one or the other cannot clearly communicate.”

In our blog article on How to Avoid Loss of Intimacy, we emphasize prioritizing spending time together. Here are some articles that also speak to this topic.

Spend Time with your Partner for Relationship Success “Research has shown that one of the major reasons that relationships fail is due to lack of time spent together…. Every time you and your partner spend some time together you are shoring up the relationship against the times that you will hit a bump.”

Make time for your partner “According to a study by the Creighton Center for Marriage and Family, time is one of three problematic issues for couples in the first five years of marriage… Building “couple’s time” into your schedule can result in huge changes in how happy you are in your relationship.”

The importance of couples spending quality time together “As resentment and disconnect infiltrate marriages, feelings of loneliness emerge and couples perceive that they have suffered a great loss — their best friend,”

Time Together “I’m convinced that the single biggest contributor to the breakdown in relationships today is the fact that couples aren’t spending enough time together…. Everything else seems more important – careers, children, hobbies, community involvement, and personal pursuits. And when relationships aren’t attended to as they should be, trouble sets in.”