Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about presence, and that you can’t love if you’re not there. Here are some of our previous posts on the importance of presence in your relationships.

How Do Presence and Acceptance Add to Your Relationships? “To be truly present you must acknowledge what is and accept what is. The moment you move into wanting something to be different, you are no longer experiencing what is. Any pushing or pulling away is stepping out of the present. Instead, you are trying to conjure something other; to defend against what is, to go backwards or forwards in time, to manifest a creation of your mind and your desires. The connection between presence and acceptance is a pivotal one. When you are able to embrace and accept what is, you become a part of the present moment and consequently, can contribute your Self to that moment. Presence is a state without anxiety or fear. When you are actually just being and not evaluating the moment of being, you enter a state where truth, beauty and goodness exist. Being present is a shift away from fear responses toward love responses.”

How to Find a Different Kind of Truth Beyond Words “Before language, we responded to the information from our senses with feelings and emotions. Now we have a verbal model of the world that sometimes contradicts that earlier understanding. We are receiving two suggestions at once; it is like listening to two radio stations. The verbal model of the world has been so successful that we use it almost exclusively, and as senses arise, they are mapped onto words.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Being present is an essential aspect of enlightenment, and so it is easy to assume that being present is a similarly rare event that happens by grace. Not so. Usually, our mind chatters endlessly about the events of the past: what we should have said or done; how we were wronged or humiliated; the pleasures and people we loved. We plan for the future, too: what to say at the upcoming meeting; what to watch tonight; how to manage money. When we set these aside, we are left with the inputs of our senses, both external and somatic, and usually, we name these, too. But that diminishes the experience because we discard everything for which we do not have words. You can counter that in two ways. By examining closely what is happening and describing it, you can increase your vocabulary and awareness.”

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, we wrote about how attentive listening strengthens your relationships. Here are some other articles of ours illustrating various aspects of listening.

You Need to Balance Talking and Listening “We have written about the importance of active listening – of paying attention to what the other person is saying, rather than working on preparing a response. As we have written, “Actually listen, rather than waiting for the moment when you can talk again about why your opinion is the correct one.” Although this is ideal, the reality is that responses and ideas come up as the other person is speaking and it can be a considerable effort to both hold on to those thoughts and continue to follow the speaker. We all know what that feels like, and how much less we hear of what our partner says when we are holding on to our thoughts and waiting our turn to speak them. And yet, how can we avoid this situation? When we are actively seeking solutions, decisions or plans, we are excited. We get ideas from listening that are compelling and important to say. How do we keep the exchange going, and not step out of the important process of hearing our partner, while still being able to share the ideas as they come forth?”

How Listening Without Giving Advice is Good For Your Relationships “Much of this has to do with being present and offering your full attention and acceptance to the other person. When someone is sharing with you, it is a great gift to offer them your presence. We all crave that sense of connection and recognition. When you are truly with another, fully present, you are verifying their importance to you and letting them know you see them and hear them. In order to offer this form of presence, you must leave yourself out of the interaction in every way except as the listener. Listening that deepens connection and communication occurs when you are only bearing witness, you are there to hear what the other is sharing. We all tend (too often) to insert ourselves: our thoughts, our opinions, our suggestions, our solutions.”

Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships “I have relationships that take place over distances via phone, email, text, and social media. These all afford opportunities to acknowledge a person and non-verbally say “I see you.” In my deep connection to a friend that occurs mostly on the phone, there is this constant flow as well, where we speak and listen to each other in the same way that lets each of us know that we are known for who we are and are being heard and appreciated. Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace. Relationships that incorporate this spread that peace outward, and tend to build an awareness of how to do this with other people, even in brief encounters. As we pass by in the world, we can do this for each other. There is nothing that breaks down the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ more than being acknowledged and knowing you are seen by someone.”

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By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with , ,

This week, we wrote about how peaceful relationships create the freedom to be yourself. Here are some articles about acceptance, which is an important aspect of having this kind of freedom in your relationships.

How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? “The twin sisters of recognition of individuality and acceptance of what that offers, are a true path of freedom from anger, resentment, defensiveness, separation and estrangement. They bring a shift in your very reality. You are catapulted into the present, into living with what is rather than your mental construct of what could or should be. And in this present is love and peace…You have the freedom to be yourself, a rarity in this world. You can be yourself when alone, and you can be yourself in the presence of your partner. The result is a simultaneous experience of being separate and together. When there are no expectations or demands or restrictions on you, it can result in a closeness like no other.”

Do You Have Thumbtacks in Your Relationship? “Thumbtacks represent, of course, lack of total acceptance from your partner. They’re criticisms, irritations, demands; they all want you to act differently in some way. Your partner doesn’t accept you as you are. But when there are no thumbtacks, when your partner offers what we call 100% acceptance, the effect is transforming. You can be yourself. The importance of 100% cannot be underestimated; it is nothing like 99% because anything less involves measurement, division, in and out, good and bad. It enables total freedom from the need to withdraw and to defend, and consequently to separate. The extraordinary freedom to be yourself that comes from this kind of acceptance can only be achieved by 100%. The freedom is liberating. Just as with the dancing, there is no comparison; 99% acceptance and 100% acceptance are not different by 1%. They differ in quality in the way that two parallel lines differ from two non-parallel lines.”

Are You Losing Your Individuality in Your Relationship? “When your partner accepts, acknowledges and appreciates your individuality, it affords you the possibility of attaining true freedom of expression. In order for this to manifest, you have to recognize the opportunities created, and then act on them…. As you learn to take advantage of the freedom your partner is offering, you will come to appreciate what a wonderful opportunity this provides for you to be yourself, not someone else’s expectations of you. Once you can see this, act on it. Offer your true self: what you want, what you believe, what you feel. How Two: Have a Successful Relationship”

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This week, we wrote about why differences don’t need to create problems in your relationships. Here are some of our many articles on differences and how to embrace them in your relationships. Use the search bar to find more.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “Because we are all unique, we have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests. It can be hard to see the strengths of other people clearly. It’s easy to see where they fall short: they forget to pay bills on time, don’t tidy up, or anything that, for you, is the obvious, efficient way to do things. But maybe you are overlooking their skills or giving them little credit. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook? Different contributions are not easily tallied up like Olympic scoring. Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. It might be your partner; it might be anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously, your way is right: you know the correct route, can stack the dishwasher properly, know how to fix the homeless problem, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right. Everyone acts in the world differently. Maybe there’s more than one approach to doing something, but you never saw it before, or maybe they just like doing it that way. When you can relax into that and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you expand your view of what is possible and how to be in the world, and you can see that the two of you are more effective together than either one of you alone.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key. And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.”

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This week, we wrote about how hanging out enhances and strengthens your relationships. Here are some other articles we’ve written that shed light on this topic.

How Balancing Work, Play and Hanging Out Benefits Your Relationship “People gather to meet and eat, meet and accomplish, meet and discuss, meet and produce. Meeting just to be together seems to have fallen off the list of things seen as having value. The culture is one of being busy, ever busier in a world demanding much involvement in keeping everything functioning and moving forward. A critical aspect which is less frequently mentioned is play: playing together, being playful, creating space for laughter and joy. I have been talking a lot lately about an element I find missing in so many of my intimate relationships – hanging out.”

Why is Time for Play Important in Your Relationship? “Individually and in our relationships we all need play time where we are not working on anything; not on progressing, not on taking care of business, and definitely not on achieving anything. We recently had a marvelous and rejuvenating few days. These were days where we stepped outside our usual patterns and day to day projects and were just together having an intimate and lovely time. We didn’t do anything big and important. We were very present with each other talking, laughing, sharing.”

How to Freshen Up Your Relationship “Recently, we needed some odds and ends for the household and went out to some garage sales to hunt for them. We hadn’t gone to any in a long time and we had so much fun together. We both felt really relaxed and just enjoyed the shining sun and the adventure of the hunt, while hanging out talking and sharing together. What was so special about this foray? Changing up the pattern seemed an important part of it. These times together create lasting memories: a play we saw, a meal out, a Netflix binge, but events that went beyond our usual routines also stand out: redwoods, a train trip, an Airbnb in Joshua Tree, and remind us of how much more is out there when we make the effort to reach out and grasp it.”

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