Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how free will and choice enhance your relationships. Here are three more articles on how important intention is in your relationships.

How to Make Positive Choices in Your Relationships “MAUDE: I think what you’re saying matches what we’ve been talking about recently. When something happens that feels wrong, we turn inward and examine what’s going on inside us. It’s a way of owning our own feelings, rather than putting them outward onto someone or something else. Like, it’s that person or it’s this thing that’s causing me to feel what I’m feeling. PHIL: I’ve got an observation on it that didn’t come to me as I was describing it. With the recognition of how I was feeling, I also had a choice of what to do, whether to let that continue, or to stop, look for a different angle, whatever, change it in some way. If I’m not comfortable, I make a change to make me more comfortable, whatever that is, and it’s the choice; it’s the intentionality part of that which I’m emphasizing here. MAUDE: Yes. I think that you only gain the ability to do that when you turn toward yourself and go inward. That’s when you gain the ability to do what you just described – make a choice.”

How to Apply Your Intention Toward Peace in All Your Relationships “To move toward such an intent, begin wherever you are in understanding what it might look like in practice. First, look inside at your images of that kind of peace. What do you see? We all associate this with different ideas and actual experiences. Some see it as an absence of elements: discord, division, unease, anger, being triggered, misunderstanding, separation, distance. Some of us see it as the presence of a deep sense of calm, balance, naturalness, contentedness, presence, trust, safety, ease.
Whatever comes up for you, reach into it, picture it, become familiar with how it feels to you; taste it, smell it, bring it to life within yourself. When you select this as your intent, you make a choice. This is what you want; this is the place where you want your relationships to dwell. That choice becomes a core value, residing centrally within you. Such an intention toward peace is powerful and grows ever stronger as you feed it. You feed it with that choice, and turn to it whenever there is a disturbance in the force. When you are confronted with interactions that don’t fit with that sense of peace, or that trigger reactions within you that disturb it, Pause, with a capital P. You are seeking to respond to the choice you have made, not react to old stuff or fears. You are going to bring your intention into action by responding from that place of peace that you have chosen. This does not apply to situations that are an actual threat or require a different kind of response. In either case, you want to take enough time to assess and make a choice of how to respond, not be driven by instincts or old stories. It is best to practice this within your deep and developed relationships first.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word ” I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going. Most people have a variety of responses at the same time to any given situation, especially those that are challenging. Stopping enables you to make a choice of which of your responses represents the value which you want to give your energy to. It is not always possible to do this in the moment, but when you stop before reacting or responding, you get that moment to see what is going on, to breathe, and to bring your thoughts and feelings into the present.”

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This week, we asked what is it that makes for an easy relationship? Here are three other articles that describe different aspects of this.

The One Simple Switch That Transforms Every Relationship You Have “This story led me to think about a switch that can change the very nature of a relationship. It requires one very simple thing: shift your attention from yourself to the other person. This may sound more complicated to you than it is. If you have decided to pursue peaceful relationships, then this will not be difficult. You have already made the choice to be aware of how you are interacting and to find methods that take you forth on a path toward peace. Paying attention and being aware of the other person is part of that path. You can best do that by switching your focus to them. This is transformational and has many immediate benefits. When you shift your awareness and attention to another, they sense it. It is a palpable difference. It calls forth a similar response in the other person. It brings both of you into the present, and in that present is the interaction between the two of you; not what is about to happen or what just happened, but rather what the two of you are sharing with each other. There lies the richness of connection and the ability to hear and be heard, to see and be seen.”

Why Being in Continuous Connection is Vital for Peaceful Relationships “We have said before that this happens because we are on the same side, and these words offer a vivid image, but how does that actually happen? It comes from our sense of connection, and this is very much a sense; something that I do not question any more than I question the fact that I am sitting here typing. This sense of connection has great power. Firstly, it has this strange property that we are both drawing from the same well; we have always been able to make our own choices and path through life mesh. By now, we understand that this is always the case. Or to be more woo-woo about it, there is an us, neither me nor Maude, that we become aware of by setting our egos aside. After all, what else could the connection between us, the mid-point, be, except that? By both of us tapping into that, we can proceed together through life.”

The Secret to Agreement is Creating Something Neither of You Imagined “When you’re making plans or looking for solutions, how do you come to agreement? You need to find something that works for you and works for the other person, too, or maybe even people, because this is something that comes up not just between couples, but with neighbors, in meetings, everywhere. This takes a certain mindset, which is that there are similarities as well as differences, and it is by looking within the similarities that you will be able to find a mutual solution. Now obviously you can’t see that solution now, and you can’t imagine what it could be. The route there is to look at what you want and why you want it, and to describe that to the other party. By looking at the why and describing it, you create the conditions for finding something else that satisfies it. Perhaps you’ll think of it, or perhaps the other person will suggest something; either way, a new possibility enters the room. When both of you do this, meandering over the territory and paying attention to where the other person is at as well as exploring what is important for you, you will converge on a mutual solution. It may take a considerable time. That’s OK.”

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This week, we wrote about how to transform your relationship by reaching total acceptance. Here is a variety of posts that we have written on different aspects of acceptance.

How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships “It was clear that we all wanted nothing but the best for each other. No one was holding on to having any given situation be a certain way, while at the same time, there were specific needs and desires that one or the other of us had, that needed to be honored. This acceptance was total from the beginning, but it also grew in its expression as the days went by. It was gratifying to live through the path of total acceptance with others, as it is an important part of creating peaceful relationships. Having this experience that Phil and I live with, in the context of four people doing it together, was delicious and confirming. This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate.”

How Your Acceptance Needs to Go Beyond the Words “Hand in hand with this practice comes the way of acceptance, non-judgment and the joyful appreciation of what others have to say and how they express it. I have been moving closer to this attitude of embracing others as my first response, rather than the initial threat assessment response that we all have to a greater or lesser degree. The more my heart is filled with love and the less that fear resides there, even in a subconscious form, the easier this becomes. When I can interact with an open listening mind, I most often find charming and delightful variations on the same theme; a desire for goodness, a wish to be accepted and acknowledged, wanting to be liked, and a drive to find purpose, be of service and to contribute to others. Although dressed up in many different outfits, I find the same yearnings over and over.”

Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships “The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later. This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions. This is a habit pattern that I have practiced which I find very helpful. I do not mean to suggest I have mastered this chosen behavior, but I am not attracted to the feelings of the reactive pattern, and I do feel really good when I come from what is of true meaning and value to me. When we realize we have a choice in how we are, it is extremely empowering.”

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This week, we wrote about how to train for better relationships. Here are some posts on how to add fun and adventure to those relationships.

How to Turn Your Relationship Into a Creative Adventure “What I have noticed is that our creativity and playfulness have surged to the forefront with this game. And that has me thinking about creativity and its role in bringing peace to relationships. I think it will help to understand what I am referring to here if I repeat that peace is an actual experience, filled with joy. It is a sensation, as well as a state of being, that reverberates throughout your whole body. It creates a calm, centered, safe place that surrounds the individual and relationships. When we approach things creatively in our connections, it requires being present and open to that which is new and different. We create interactions which are full of an awareness of each other and the play of uniqueness between us. The spontaneity of the plan and the playful aspect of creating a shared adventure cause the kind of inner happiness so characteristic of peace. This is not the peace of the sleeping, or dead (as so many imagine peace), but rather a living, dancing, jump-for-joy reality.”

The Pleasures and Importance of Shared Experience in Your Relationships “This generally happens in two ways. The first is that we do something together, and it creates shared moments. We embark on an activity with each other, and it exists between us and continues in our common memory of our connection. Taking time to be with each other and break out of the usual pattern of relating refreshes and enlivens any relationship. We love being in nature, and the city we live in affords that on every street, with grand old trees everywhere, parks and ponds, woods and creeks, and a profusion of birds. Recently, we went over our local mountains to another town, staying overnight in a hotel. We walked around, talking and going out for lunch. We hiked to a nearby waterfall and soaked in the air and the smells. Phil and I always feel rested and peacefully, deliciously connected after a little trip like that. Going off to another location, with no big interaction with devices, and no scheduled events, brings a different kind of shared experience than our daily life offers.”

Are You Emotionally Present in Your Relationships or Just Not There? “For me, it was the part about being present with, and for, the other person; of being in the present with them and the connection itself. There are many factors that go into being together with someone in this way. When I am with someone who brings this kind of awareness and attention to the interaction, it has a profound effect on me. I want to share myself with them, and I open up more as a result of the interest and caring being shown to me. This is one of those feedback loops in which this way of behaving generates a more open, unguarded communication from each of the parties involved. When someone is interested and taking the time to pay attention to me, and at the same time shares themselves with me on a deeper level, it creates the same response in me.”

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This week, we wrote that in your relationships, it’s less what you talk about than how you talk about it. Here are a variety of articles we’ve written about different aspects of communication.

Communication and Individuality in a Relationship “When the relationship is filled with honoring and accepting each other, a special kind of trust and security is present. For this to exist, each partner must be willing to share their thoughts and feelings. It is important to stay in regular contact and for that contact to be intimate and totally open. When partners know their partner’s thoughts and feelings, they don’t have to make them up from their fears or insecurities. In our experiences with couples, we have found over and over that when this regular contact does not occur, the couple slowly becomes estranged, and the projections and misinterpretations that occur just deepen the rift that grows between them.”

Why Communicating Strengthens the Connection in Your Relationships “It was the act of being together and sharing our feelings aloud to each other that helped each of us and created warmth and intimacy. It is so important to talk with one another. What we gained did not come from the content of the exchange, from letting each other know some deep hidden truth, or from the clearing up of some misunderstanding. It came from the very act of communicating itself. Speaking these diffuse sensations out loud to Phil helped me to understand and get a thread on what I was feeling, which I was unaware of until I put it into words to him. I heard myself. Hearing what he shared gave me insight into him, but also into myself, as I could relate to what he said. There is such comfort and peace in an open and honest exchange, one that you can only have in a relationship where trust has been developed and has become the natural way to be with each other. This comes from paying attention, listening, and showing that you are present with the other. It comes from talking not only when there are issues, but just for the pleasure of being with each other and knowing what is happening with the other person. It comes from knowing that truth is spoken, and that there is no withholding of that truth. It comes from the practice of staying in touch with one another and from being interested in each other.”

How Communicating From Your True Self Deepens Your Relationships “Most relationship experts list communication as one of the most important kinds of exchanges between people. Phil and I feel this way as well, but it is the kind of communicating that is important to us. In the early part of our relationship, Phil would look at me with full attention and ask, “What is happening here?” And he was truly asking and clearly desirous of hearing my response and discussing it. I must admit that I had not experienced this kind of direct, deep reaching out in the beginning of other romantic relationships. It got my full and very interested attention. Although we often covered many topics, he wasn’t interested in long conversations filled with chitchat. He wanted to converse on our connection, who each of us was, and what was important to each of us. Don’t misunderstand; we laughed a lot, hiked, went out on the usual dates, and walked around our beautiful city. These all happened, and were crucial to our relationship building. Yet, what made the difference was finding out what was important to each of us, and that came through the emphasis within our communication on sharing ourselves with each other”

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