Why is Mutuality Important in Your Relationships?

Why is Mutuality Important in Your Relationships?

MAUDE: The cornerstone of peaceful conflict-free relating is the practice of mutuality: the certainty that it is possible to find mutual solutions and the act of creating them. This requires the ability to search beyond differences to find the matching values. It requires the desire to understand and honor the needs of the other.

This can be applied in all intimate relationships, and the same principles carry over into larger and larger groups of relationships, your family, friends, community, country, the planet.

Just as it is necessary to believe in and desire mutuality, concomitant aspects are also required: not seeking out argument or division, not being driven by a need to be right, not looking for power dominance over others or always wanting your way (not seeing that the ‘other’ way might actually be the same only dressed up in different details.)

It is easiest to start with those you have an intimate relationship with, those who you know and trust, and with whom you can be vulnerable. Finding mutuality requires being vulnerable, sharing your innermost meanings and values, expressing your needs and desires.

It is for this reason that we espouse spreading peace one relationship at a time. Through the experience of finding and practicing mutuality, you learn the path of unity and union. The more direct knowledge you have of this process, the easier it will be to start applying it to a wider and wider sphere of relating.

The first step on this path of embracing mutuality is to dive into who you are and what your foundational values are. As this self-knowledge develops it will also reveal your needs and desires. Access to this two-pronged information opens up a deeper understanding and respect for the same in others.

Then reach out to the others within your sphere of intimacy and spread this understanding. Look for ways to connect on value, and marvel at how so many other people express the same values in such different ways.

For us, this has been an amazing journey, one we often liken to magic. We have described a process of finding this mutuality; one filled with adventure and revelation. The importance of this discovery is the result of practicing it. Peace can be the living reality of your relationships. We share a relationship steeped in the calm, loving, safe, embrace of this peace. This is not a concept. It is not a goal. It is a way of life and it is available to all who desire it.

The cornerstone of peaceful conflict-free relating is the practice of mutuality #relationships Click To TweetPHIL: Maude writes about mutuality in our relationship, and I want to expand on that further. To say that we practice it is to imply some intention and effort, but it is rarely like that. Instead, we flow together without consciously doing anything at all. I imagine a cook and a waitress who have worked together for many years might achieve this same effortless quality. The experience is not one of accommodating each other, of having roles or lists; instead, it is that we each live our own life and also find joy in supporting the other.

I think that a number of things contribute to this. Certainly we fit together well in many areas, like agreeing on the balance between connection and space, and, like most couples, we have interests in common, but it is far more than just a good fit.

We maintain a balance between us without thinking about it because we see our relationship in terms of cooperation, not competition. This balance is much helped by our both being relatively laid back about how things ought to be. You might call this a form of non-attachment.

But I think that most importantly, all of these things come about because we want them and because it is possible to live this way. Even so, the end result is, as Maude says, magical. The elements that make it possible all blend together into a space of peace, love and acceptance.

Photo credit: Maude Mayes

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5 Comments on “Why is Mutuality Important in Your Relationships?

  1. I just love “cooperation not competition”. I can see wherever that is at play, there is play, otherwise, it seems like work to find a common path. These days play-full -ness is so important as the world itself is getting worked. So I am grateful to create paths that employ this technique. Bravo for the clarity and ease that you both present here! I have been using the word cooperation for all my encounters these days. I do see that when I am tired, or others are, cooperation isn’t as easy as it is when we are fresh and rested…sometimes it isn’t’ competition as much as opposition that I step away from. So I can say. when there is cooperation available I hope we can continue…blessings on openings to easy paths! Thank you!

    • It’s cool that you picked up on the cooperative aspect. I’ve been fascinated with the idea that cooperation is an essential aspect of being human as opposed to some species like spiders, say, who are happy to run off and do their own thing. Cooperation is one of humanity’s superpowers; another is language. The two together have resulted in our species’ dominance on the planet. (And there can be a whole discussion on the merits of that, see David Attenborough’s “A Life on Our Planet” on Netflix about that.)

      Cooperation arises from our feelings of empathy, caring and altruism. It is so ubiquitous that we fail to see it, and only see competition. I covered this in my video Why are political discussions so intense?

      I think the Darwinian view is losing its grip somewhat. A recent book makes that argument.

  2. Thank you for this weeks’ message.
    I am finding that mutuality & common goals are fed by a new kind of flexibility. It can be called non-attachment but the attachment is to the harmonious outcome not to to be right or ignoring the others needs.
    Wow, you two…. 250 blogs of love & encouragement!
    Write On!

    • An astute comment – Flexibility- not needing to be right and finding a way to incorporate others’ views! thank you!

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