Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Our Process, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week we said that the secret to agreement is creating something neither of you imagined. You do this by finding a mutual solution. Here are some articles we’ve written on that topic.

How to Find Mutual Solutions and Avoid Conflict “Start out sharing what you desire in this situation, speaking from the ‘I’ and then listen while your partner does the same. Slowly, the wants and needs that are associated with this desire emerge. You go deeper, sharing again in turn what is underneath this image, each time reaching closer to what it is your core wants and needs are. The trick to working through disagreements without descending into conflict is to realize that, although you want something, there is usually an underlying desire behind that want, and there are several ways to satisfy that desire. Below that desire is a deeper want, which again can be sated in a number of different ways. You’re not generally conscious of these deeper needs until you look closely. Take turns speaking and listening to each other. Speak of what you want and why you want it. As you do this the most surprising thing occurs. You find out much more about what you actually want and you hear your partner doing the same. Knowing what the other person wants, you can propose other possibilities that might work for both of you. The original images of what would satisfy you have broadened and opened. By talking back and forth and exploring what you want and why you want it, you will find more and more crossover points that you both desire, and an image begins to emerge, a solution or activity that works for both of you.”

How to Find Peace and Harmony in Your Relationships Through Mutual Solutions “In thinking about this very common point in the development of a partnership, I realized that there is something a bit backwards about how this often occurs. Instead of making these larger mutual decisions without a developed process for finding mutuality, wouldn’t it yield better results to first apply a process and way to communicate and find resolutions that truly work for both concerned? We have often shared a process that we use that does just that. It not only helps to actually find out what decision and solution will work for both of you, but it creates a loving intimacy instead of what can be a time fraught with tension. Through this process you learn more about yourself, what underlies your wants and needs and simultaneously those of your partner. You each begin to truly know each other and start to find where that place of mutuality lies. Here are three of our past blogs that cover different aspects of the topic:
How to Work Through Disagreements to Reach a Mutual Solution
How to Reach Mutual Solutions in Your Relationship
How to Find Mutual Solutions With Your Partner Phil and I have worked with this process for so long that we do it naturally now, and often arrive at the solution without ever visiting any problem. The more often you do this, the more that resolution that fits both of you becomes clear and a part of how you make plans and decisions together. You can go straight to the solution/decision together because it is such familiar territory, you know what if feels like.”

How to Find Peaceful Solutions Without Giving Anything Up “Often, when people think about the issue of acceptance, they think it is about compromise. Compromise is the act of giving up something to get something else. It assumes that there are different sides, and that one must settle in order to avoid conflict. It does not allow for the possibility that a resolution can be found, a resolution where, instead of giving up or changing something, you can create a solution that was not originally imaginable to either person. Without putting down compromise or its benefits, we are discussing a different path – one that is not about giving up on some part of yourself, your wants and perhaps even needs, but rather a path that, by acting in union, allows you to find new mutual solutions.”

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By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with ,

This week, we suggested that you give your relationships the time they deserve. Here are some previous posts sharing ideas for that.

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. If work is the things that we all have to do (whether we enjoy that or not), play is the opposite: where we let go of our obligations, act on our desires, and cavort with the world. Play has been proven to be an important factor in well-being: by relieving stress, supercharging learning and strengthening our connections to each other and the world. Playing together is a powerful tool for creating peaceful relationships.”

How Balancing Work, Play and Hanging Out Benefits Your Relationship “It is frequently stated that having good relationships takes work. We have spoken and written about how it takes presence, intention, belief, acceptance and a desire to find solutions that create mutuality. A critical aspect which is less frequently mentioned is play: playing together, being playful, creating space for laughter and joy. I have been talking a lot lately about an element I find missing in so many of my intimate relationships – hanging out. People gather to meet and eat, meet and accomplish, meet and discuss, meet and produce. Meeting just to be together seems to have fallen off the list of things seen as having value. The culture is one of being busy, ever busier in a world demanding much involvement in keeping everything functioning and moving forward.”

How to Celebrate Your Relationship “Here we sit in a lovely cabin on the third night of our anniversary trip. We’ve taken some days off from all of life’s activities to be alone together celebrating our union. And right there I’d have to say is one of the main elements of our joyous and magical relationship: we take time to be together. Whether it be a special trip like the one we’re on right now, or our hanging out together each night, what is consistent is that we take the time to be together. We love being with each other and consciously choose to make that one of our priorities, regardless of what else is happening. We refer to this as our sacred space and treat it as such. We are renewed and supported by taking this time with each other.”

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By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating Tagged with

This week, we wrote about what it feels like to experience peace in our relationships. We sit down each week and talk about how we are, or how our week has been and how we navigated it, and out of that comes a post. We look for a particular angle or a new way to express how we are, but in the end, it’s just us talking about what it is to experience peace.

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This describes a state of us being together without the need for defenses. The more Phil and I discussed this way of being together, the clearer we became that this is a core behavior of a peaceful relationship. Peaceful relationships are by their nature non-combative and are safe spaces where you know that you will not be attacked, sniped at, or any variant thereof. At first, I was going to say this is because we know for certain that we are always on the same side. This is most certainly true, and yet that does not fully describe this way of being. This is a state where a choice has been made both individually and for the relationship. It is a choice that goes to the very center of each of the individuals: a choice for living in peace. It is not a compromise of swallowing feelings and thoughts. It is not a mental activity alone. It is an alignment with a quiet inner connection to who you are, coupled with the ability to share that with another. This is a way of being in peace that you have found within yourself, and from that place, you are able to recognize the same place in the other person. Once you have found it within yourself, bring it into how you are in that relationship. When you do this consistently, it allows it to come forth in the other person as well.”

How to Recognize and Bring Peace Into Your Relationships “Phil and I recently attended a celebration of life that left a deep impression on me. The woman being celebrated had the ability to be of good cheer consistently, and taught and uplifted many from this place of profound joy. As I listened to the stories of how she impacted so many on her life’s path, I heard over and over how passionate she was in her life. She pursued her loves with great intensity, with the tenacity and discipline that arose from it. And I thought of peace and how peace is a state of being that is filled with passion. Often, people do not recognize the actuality of peace, even when they have it. And far too many do not have it at all in their lives. In their mind, peace exists as a conception of something. People imagine that peace is devoid of feeling; that it is a place of emptiness. They think of peace as an absence of a variety of things, not a state unto itself. Yet, peace is very real and becomes known through direct experience, combined with awareness.”

Connection is the Heart of Peace-filled Relationships “Phil and I recently visited with a dear friend at her home for a scrumptious dinner. The dinner wasn’t the only thing that was delectable that evening. We had a powerful experience of our connection. Through the many hours of the evening, we talked, ate together, and communed both verbally and in silence with each other.” We felt relaxed, heard, seen and appreciated. We were interested and enlightened by the conversations, thoughts and ideas as they poured forth. We sat together in silence, communicating and sharing the essence of peace that grew in the room around us. And that is one of the profound impressions that I had afterward. We, as in all three of us, were deeply connected, in one unit. It wasn’t only that she and Phil, or Phil and me, or she and I were each connected. No, this was quite different. The three of us were in one relationship with each other. It felt very special and rich because of this difference. There was a circle of warmth that engulfed us all. As we moved many leagues deeper in our connectedness, a joy and a lightness of being permeated that room. It didn’t matter really what the topic was, whether the state of the world or the dressing on the salad, it was the quality of relating that held so much value.”

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This week, we talked about why being in continuous connection is vital for peaceful relationships. Here are some previous writings of ours that share other aspects of this topic.

Why Constancy of Connection is Important in Your Relationships “But Maude said that even though I am sometimes unavailable, she never has a sense of disconnection. She said, “It’s you doing you. That doesn’t happen to be available to me, but it doesn’t feel like it’s about me either. That’s why that doesn’t feel there’s a disconnect, because that’s not what’s going on; whatever is happening, your unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve removed yourself. You’re just doing what you’re doing. There is no withdrawal involved; you’re just not available.” In order to have a feeling of peace and safety within a relationship, it is necessary that the connection remain unwavering regardless of what is externally happening. This does not, however, require continually being in each other’s presence or being in constant contact.”

What’s That Special Connection in Peaceful Relationships About? “Within this connection of trust and honesty, of support and caring, lies a driving desire for openness to know and be known. There, in the place of this third entity we know as us, dwells a solid, peaceful place of complete assurance and presence which never falters or changes. It expands, it deepens, it bolsters each of us. It is recognizable, and as we both point to it in precisely the same place, it is a reality. One that we share. There is a phrase called Anam Cara that describes this quite well: “Anam Cara is an Irish Gaelic term that translates to “soul friend”. It describes a deep and spiritual connection with another person, where souls can recognize and support each other without judgment. This bond allows for authentic self-expression and can exist in both platonic and romantic relationships.”

How Does Mutuality Lead to Peaceful Relationships? “MAUDE: We have written about the method to get to that place, and we call that Our Process. It is a methodology of getting to mutuality, of finding it on a particular topic. I’m interested in talking about the heart of it. What’s the experience of it? It’s very important to know how to get there. And that’s what Our Process describes, but what is there? What is mutuality?
PHIL: It’s a place of agreement.
MAUDE: Yes! And you can only get there together. This is a place that you exist in that is shared, and everything in it you create together. You cannot be there on your own. It’s a different kind of quality. It’s really a thing that takes a behavior between two people to create. It’s not like you can find it by yourself. You have to create it each time together. You cannot get there alone because this is about what happens when two people are able to recognize each other so much, and communicate to each other comfortably and openly what they need or who they are about any particular thing. There’s no charge. There’s a deep attraction that both people have learned to want and are moving toward together, so that they mesh.”

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This week, we wrote about shifting attention from yourself to the other person. Here are some articles that highlight different aspects of doing this.

How Attentive Listening Strengthens Your Relationships “Pay attention! Listen! These seem like rather simple admonishments. And yet, so many of us find it very challenging to do so. Listening to others with an open heart and full attention seems to have become almost a lost art. I say art because it is indeed one. Many people struggle to empty their minds of all the input surrounding them daily. Screens abound, pouring forth information and challenges. In this flood of data, relationships can offer a deeply needed place for a different kind of being. Learning to listen to one another is an especially profound way of experiencing this opportunity. I recently had an encounter that reminded me of the riches to be harvested from the simple act of sitting in the stillness of listening to another person.”

How Hanging Out Enhances and Strengthens Your Relationships “It is about giving our full attention to each other and the connection between us. It doesn’t really matter what we are involved in, as what we are really doing is reveling in being with each other, in sharing who we are and taking pleasure in the deep sense of connection we have. The feelings that arise from this experience are calming, nurturing and give us sustenance for our daily living. Our evening times together are a form of play that is best described as “hanging out time.” It applies to all kinds of relationships. I find this is an art that got lost a bit during the early times of Covid and has been re-emerging for a few years through renewing in-person visiting, as well as other forms like long phone visits, Face-timing, and online hangouts. I have other relationships where we have found ways to share hangout times. I delight in my time with a few long-distance friends, where we have perfected hanging out on the phone and catching up and sharing our lives, crying, laughing and being with one another. I read a book aloud with my thirteen-year-old grandson on Facetime regularly. It’s a period when there is no one there but the two of us, and we enjoy the book, but also catch up on his life and concerns. One of my friends tells me she gets close to her grandson while driving him from one place to another when just the two of them are in the car, hanging out.”

Why It’s Important to Be Fully Present in Your Relationships “Every relationship feels entirely different when you are truly present in it. This difference can be recognized by both parties, whether consciously or unconsciously. When you have the experience of each person being present, many of the fears that people bring to relationships dissolve. The sense of having to be on your guard dissipates with mutual presence, as well as many misunderstandings, assumptions, and much of the fear of abandonment. Worries about the past as well as projections of the future do not live in this kind of shared presence. What are the qualities and behaviors of this way of being present with each other? A quality that rarely gets spoken of, and yet one that is felt keenly when it is not there, is being available; available with your whole person. This quality involves listening with interest and the intention to understand, as well as balancing that listening with sharing about yourself and your feelings. It calls for making the time to be with the relationship in this way.”

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