Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about how to avoid relationship conflicts by using the word “stop”, and here are a number of writers offering their variants on the idea.

The Power of Pause: How Taking a Break Can Transform Relationship Conflicts “The power of the pause is simple: it’s a strategy that harnesses the strength of stepping back and taking a breather in the midst of heated moments. Breathing is simple, remembering to breathe is not easy. And the more escalated and indignant people become, the more they dig in their heels. The pace of the fight is accelerated, and basically the whole thing is out of control. There are very few people who find this to be easy or natural, but the good news is that anyone can develop this skill with practice and intention.”

How Mindfulness Can Help Couples Cool Down “One of my favorite interventions, which encourages attentional mindfulness, is simply to ask, “What are you noticing now?” I find that there can be tremendous benefits simply by shifting my clients’ attention to their own bodily sensations—clenched jaw or fists, tightness in their throat or chest, churning in the stomach—and by labeling their feelings as they arise and escalate: Anger, sadness, fear, and shame are the most common ones. Noting their patterns of thoughts and behaviors helps see them for what they are: habitual and automatic, well-grooved into the brain’s neural circuitry. And like any habit, these patterns don’t need to own or define us; they’re something we can change.”

A Powerful Tool to Stay Grounded in Conflict “…a simple mindfulness practice traditionally associated with Buddhism, shamatha, meaning calm presence. This practice is centred around concentration on your breathing as it is. If you are breathing, you are already halfway there to starting this practice! The simplicity of this practice allows it to be used anywhere you are, and as we become more familiar with it, it will become a tool used effortlessly to ground ourselves in the present.”

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This week, we said that conflict is not inevitable in your relationships. In our links this week, Dr. Heitler is prominent, and with good reason: she explains clearly why fighting in relationships is wrong and harmful.

Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That “All Couples Fight” “Stressful situations that are becoming adversarial between loving partners can escalate into ever more stressful arguments. Alternatively, they can be handled with calm, productive, collaborative talking together that dissipates stress and yields the creation of mutually comfortable solutions. In this regard, one paragraph in psychologist Harriet Lerner’s otherwise excellent post, “My Partner and I Can’t Stop the Fighting,” troubles me. The offending paragraph about how to fix marriage problems states a conventional wisdom that is wrong and sets needlessly low and even harmful aspirations for people who believe it.”

Solve Tough Dilemmas With the Win-Win Waltz “The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other’s concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions. The more understanding you gain about both your and others’ deeply felt concerns, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to be nice to yourself and simultaneously nice also to others.
Based on the ideas first written about in Fisher and Ury’s book Getting to Yes, the win-win waltz can enable you to dance through collaborative problem-solving to resolve your differences like partners instead of becoming enemies. Conflicts occur often between folks. All duos, at home and at work, from time to time have different preferences. One wants to turn left and the other to turn right. Fortunately, differences needn’t lead either to fighting to establish who wins and who will lose, or to giving up on what you want. There’s no need to compromise either, or to get mad. Here’s further good news. The same strategy for talking through problems that works between two people works also within groups of any size.”

14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems “Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference. If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are marriage-strengthening assets.”

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This week, we said make sure you pay attention to your relationships. Here are three articles that explore various facets of this.

Why Relationships Matter (Maybe Now More Than Ever) “The quality of our relationships is the single biggest predictor of our happiness—more so than business success, physical health, wealth, status or fame. While we may be in the unique position of either spending a bit too much time with others lately, or striving to maintain connections with those we love from a safe distance, it does all of us good to focus on and prioritize our relationships to set the foundation of a happy, healthy life.”

The importance of relationships for our well-being “As humans, we feel the need to relate to others in order to feel worthy and to feel that we belong. We are social creatures. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. All kinds of relationships play an essential role in our lives! This includes your family, friends, colleagues at work and even people you meet at the café or gym you attend.”

How Your Relationships Can Bring Out the Best in You “People who are thriving are usually doing so with the help of others. Peak athletes have coaches. Top executives have mentors. Great parents have parenting blogs and other great parents to bounce ideas off of. Even those contemplative Buddhist monks who seem to be at the pinnacle of self-transcendence are almost always surrounded by other transcendent monk friends. Research backs this up, suggesting that positive relationships can help us succeed, grow, and become better people.”

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This week, we wrote that the more honesty, the better your relationships. These articles write about the importance of honesty and how to practise it.

Why Is Honesty So Important in a Relationship? “When we talk about honesty in relationships, our mind often goes straight to deception. We think about it in terms of whether or not someone lies to their partner. Or how often they lie. Or what kinds of lies they tell. But when we consider honesty only as the absence of deception, we miss an important piece of why it matters so much in a relationship.”

Why Is Honesty Important In Your Relationship? “When it comes to a relationship, one of the most essential elements is trust, and you can only have trust where there is honesty. When you consistently tell the truth, it gives others confidence that you will deliver on your promises and commitments. This applies to any relationship from business partners to friends and intimate relationships. Honesty will help any relationship to thrive.”

11 Reasons Honesty in a Relationship Is Truly Important “Displaying honesty in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to reveal every thought or share every secret with your spouse. There are still plenty of reasons to keep things to yourself. You may choose to hold back potentially hurtful opinions, your private thoughts, or information that would betray a promise to a friend to keep something confidential. You also have the right to stick to vague answers if you don’t feel comfortable sharing information. When it comes to honesty in relationships, remember all of the good reasons to be honest. If you are inclined to withhold information, ask yourself: “Am I keeping this a secret, or am I keeping something private?” – There is a difference.”

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By Posted on Posted in Presence, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating

This week, we wrote about why it’s important to be present in your relationships. These three articles discuss why and offer suggestions on how to act.

The Importance of Presence in Relationships: Cultivating Intimacy and Communication through Mindfulness “Being present in a relationship means being fully engaged and attentive to your partner. This means setting aside distractions and focusing on the moment, paying attention to what your partner is saying, and actively listening to their thoughts and feelings. This type of presence helps to create an environment of open communication, trust, and understanding”

Why You Have to Share What You Really Feel and Want in Relationships “Relationships thrive in an environment of emotional safety, openness, and authenticity. This means that both people involved need to feel safe with each other, be safe for each other, and be willing to express themselves openly and authentically.”

The Beginner’s Guide to Being Present “A set of three studies from 2018 found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall. Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do, try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen.”