Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how to handle discord in your relationship. Here are three writers with advice on what to do.

7 Ways to Reconnect When You Feel Disconnected in Your Relationship “Relationships are always evolving. As much as we wish our relationships were all perfect and conflict-free, that’s just not reality. There may be periods when you feel disconnected from your partner, whether that be romantic or platonic. This can happen for many reasons, and a lot of them might not even have to do with you. If you’re feeling disconnected in your relationship, here are seven tips to help you reconnect.”

When you’re Disconnected “In every relationship, disconnection happens. While it may be normal, it isn’t healthy to linger in the gap of discord. When disconnection seeps into a relationship, what we do with it matters most. Tune into the red flags of disconnection. It might be less time spent together, increasing conflict, less physical touch, or perpetuating silence when you’re in the same room. Red flags vary for each relationship. But there are common feelings that signal disconnect. It’s usually a ping of loneliness, feelings of misunderstanding, and questioning whether you truly matter to your mate.”

The 4Ds of Disconnection in Interpersonal Relationships “Have you ever wondered what’s more fragile than life itself? I ascertain it to be the bonds of interpersonal relationships that we nurture in our lives. Our relationships shape us—they make us as well as break us. We can’t deny the power of relationships in any way possible. However, the question often boils down to whether we’re able to manage our relationships well or not. Chances are we might have felt disconnected even in the healthiest of our relationships. Sometimes our efforts to understand others’ needs and communicate our own doesn’t result in the best of outcomes. It’s no one’s fault because we won’t intentionally treat others the way we wouldn’t like others to treat us. However, we unintentionally or let’s rather say automatically often engage in ways that cause us to disconnect from each other.”

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This week we wrote that peaceful relationships really do exist, and you can make yours one of them. Here are some writers who agree and describe ways to achieve that peaceful state.

Peace in a Relationship “Peace in a relationship is characterized by a sense of comfort, trust, and emotional safety. It means that you can be your authentic self without fear of judgment or rejection. It’s a feeling of acceptance and understanding that comes from both partners being on the same page and working towards common goals. Communication is clear and respectful, and disagreements are handled in a constructive manner. There is a sense of balance and equality, with each partner contributing to the relationship in their own way. There is no anxiety, no need for jealousy, there’s trust and both your minds are calm.
In short, peace in a relationship is a state of mutual harmony and contentment.”

How to Have a Peace of Mind in a Relationship: The Ultimate Guide to Creating Peaceful Relationships With Your Partner “Let’s kick things off with a truth bomb: the bedrock of any peaceful relationship is clear, open, and honest dialogue. Imagine you’re trying to bake a cake, but you’ve decided to play a guessing game with the ingredients. Sounds disastrous, right? That’s exactly what happens when you’re not upfront about your feelings, needs, and expectations in a relationship.”

Relationship Peace “Peace is not a consequence that automatically occurs because two people choose to enter into a human relationship like marriage or friendship. Without consistent effort any preference for peace will probably be overcome by the prevalence of problems. Genuine peace must be pursued with diligence and devotion.”

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This week, we wrote about how trust and peace go hand in hand in your relationships. Here are some other writings on the topic.

Why Trust Matters in Relationships and Marriage “Trust is a valuable asset in every relationship. It is the cornerstone that shapes an individual’s ability to engage in a happy relationship. Trust provides the comfort in a relationship where two people can learn to count on each other.”

The Foundation of Trust: Why It Matters in a Relationship “Trust is about being able to be vulnerable with someone and feel safe, even when that vulnerability is uncomfortable. Trust means that I don’t need to act defensively to protect myself because, well, there is no attack. Trust spends a lot of time with that unconditional love we all hear so much about because trust means we are wholly accepted for who we are.”

Why Is Trust Important in a Relationship? “Trust is critical to a happy, healthy, romantic relationship. So, why is trust important in a relationship? It provides comfort and allows partners to count on each other. That’s because trust and other components of a relationship, such as honesty, vulnerability, and open communication, go hand in hand.”

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This week, we wrote about how to avoid relationship conflicts by using the word “stop”, and here are a number of writers offering their variants on the idea.

The Power of Pause: How Taking a Break Can Transform Relationship Conflicts “The power of the pause is simple: it’s a strategy that harnesses the strength of stepping back and taking a breather in the midst of heated moments. Breathing is simple, remembering to breathe is not easy. And the more escalated and indignant people become, the more they dig in their heels. The pace of the fight is accelerated, and basically the whole thing is out of control. There are very few people who find this to be easy or natural, but the good news is that anyone can develop this skill with practice and intention.”

How Mindfulness Can Help Couples Cool Down “One of my favorite interventions, which encourages attentional mindfulness, is simply to ask, “What are you noticing now?” I find that there can be tremendous benefits simply by shifting my clients’ attention to their own bodily sensations—clenched jaw or fists, tightness in their throat or chest, churning in the stomach—and by labeling their feelings as they arise and escalate: Anger, sadness, fear, and shame are the most common ones. Noting their patterns of thoughts and behaviors helps see them for what they are: habitual and automatic, well-grooved into the brain’s neural circuitry. And like any habit, these patterns don’t need to own or define us; they’re something we can change.”

A Powerful Tool to Stay Grounded in Conflict “…a simple mindfulness practice traditionally associated with Buddhism, shamatha, meaning calm presence. This practice is centred around concentration on your breathing as it is. If you are breathing, you are already halfway there to starting this practice! The simplicity of this practice allows it to be used anywhere you are, and as we become more familiar with it, it will become a tool used effortlessly to ground ourselves in the present.”

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This week, we said that conflict is not inevitable in your relationships. In our links this week, Dr. Heitler is prominent, and with good reason: she explains clearly why fighting in relationships is wrong and harmful.

Beware Of Mistaken Marriage Advice That “All Couples Fight” “Stressful situations that are becoming adversarial between loving partners can escalate into ever more stressful arguments. Alternatively, they can be handled with calm, productive, collaborative talking together that dissipates stress and yields the creation of mutually comfortable solutions. In this regard, one paragraph in psychologist Harriet Lerner’s otherwise excellent post, “My Partner and I Can’t Stop the Fighting,” troubles me. The offending paragraph about how to fix marriage problems states a conventional wisdom that is wrong and sets needlessly low and even harmful aspirations for people who believe it.”

Solve Tough Dilemmas With the Win-Win Waltz “The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other’s concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions. The more understanding you gain about both your and others’ deeply felt concerns, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to be nice to yourself and simultaneously nice also to others.
Based on the ideas first written about in Fisher and Ury’s book Getting to Yes, the win-win waltz can enable you to dance through collaborative problem-solving to resolve your differences like partners instead of becoming enemies. Conflicts occur often between folks. All duos, at home and at work, from time to time have different preferences. One wants to turn left and the other to turn right. Fortunately, differences needn’t lead either to fighting to establish who wins and who will lose, or to giving up on what you want. There’s no need to compromise either, or to get mad. Here’s further good news. The same strategy for talking through problems that works between two people works also within groups of any size.”

14 Ways to Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems “Decide if you’ve got a problem or just a difference. If an issue isn’t threatening your health, safety, or financial security, doesn’t work against your shared vision for your marriage, and doesn’t put an unfair burden on you, then it may simply be a sign that the two of you are two different people. Perhaps you’re an extrovert and love parties, while your partner’s introvert personality makes him or her crave quiet nights at home. Perhaps you’re great at starting projects, while your partner’s terrific at sticking with it until every last detail is finished. Or maybe one of you is a morning person, the other a night owl. In that case, the solution is acceptance, not trying to change your partner. Look for the ways that your differences are marriage-strengthening assets.”

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