Successful Relationships Reading Corner

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This week, we said that you should avoid making lists and keeping score in your relationships. Here are a few guides on how to do that.

Keeping Score in Your Relationship Makes You Lose “With all of these things competing for your time and attention, people often end up looking to their partner to save the day, help out and “pull their weight.” You start watching everything they do and comparing it to what you do. In effect, you start keeping score in your relationship. This inevitably leads to feelings of resentment, anxiety, frustration and disappointment. Not the feelings you want if you’re looking for a connected, happy and satisfying relationship. Whether you’ve been together 10 months or 10 years, keeping score and competing often becomes an unwelcome component of many relationships. How do you stop it? Well, first you have to realize what you’re doing and why.”

When Keeping Score Keeps Us Apart “All relationships require balance. When balance doesn’t exist, particularly in unhealthy relationships, one partner typically takes on more of the work in an effort to maintain the relationship. Usually, one or both partners are keeping score. Rather than maintaining a healthy relationship, they’re maintaining a list of both efforts made and wrongs done. It may provide a balance, but I don’t think it’s the sort of accounting that makes our relationships stronger.”

8 ways to stop scorekeeping in your relationship “None of us want to admit to being a scorekeeper in our relationships. Behaving that way would mean that we are petty, small-minded, immature, or self-centered, not to mention grudging or stingy — all the attributes that grate on the very soul of our more evolved, generous, gracious, gratitude-trained true selves. Ouch. It’s not how we want to see ourselves, and it is certainly not how we want our children to see us. But score keep we do.”

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