Why Matching Values Are Important For Your Relationships
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PHIL: It’s hard for me to know what I want and how I feel because I, like most people, conform to fit in. It’s how to be accepted, to be one of the group. It stems from when being ostracized by the tribe probably meant dying in the wilderness.
We copy each other in innumerable ways. Fashion, whether in clothes, cars or furniture, would not exist without imitation. We moderate our behavior, too, through social graces: we keep critical thoughts unspoken, we follow the laws and customs of society.
We tend not to notice this conformity because we see ourselves as stalwart individuals in control of our own destinies.
Another reason we may be reluctant to acknowledge our feelings is the fear that we may have the potential for both good and bad within us. Murder, sexual assault and theft still exist today within some people at least; how do we know that exploring our desires will not unearth those same dark passions within ourselves?
So for all of these reasons, it is often a challenge to be in touch with what you feel through the fog of social expectations, and yet this is where the authentic self resides.
To get there, you have to go deep. You have to know what you want and why you want it, and what the feeling behind that is, and so on.
It’s not always easy to see your own motives. Do you want a career as a lawyer because your family sees it as a high-status career? Because you are passionate about justice? Because it will pay well? Because it will get you out of your present situation? Look for when the words and the feelings line up. It may not be the immutable truth for all time, but it is your truth in the present.
These underlying positions are your core values. They may be pragmatic, like a career or a lifestyle. They may go deeper and be part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. They may evolve as you journey through life, change goals and gain wisdom.
You need to share these deep aspects of yourself in your relationships more than anywhere else for a number of reasons.
- Sharing your wants and feelings is very personal. It makes you vulnerable, it is an act of intimacy, it is how people bond and understand each other.
- Relationships are built on trust, and that needs an understanding of peoples’ motives. If your partner discovers some subterranean aspect of you years into the relationship, it can cast doubt on everything they thought was assured.
- Ignoring what you want and responding according to your partner’s expectations doesn’t work. Every time that happens, you lose a little bit of yourself and end up not knowing who you are.
- If your core values don’t match, the relationship is on very shaky foundations. Maybe you disagree on having children. Perhaps one of you believes that life is a struggle for resources and the other believes that sharing is good. Maybe you are of different faiths and teaching your child in your faith is important. Disagreements like these will be a constant irritant.
When your core values match, you have the foundations for a wonderful relationship. This is how two people fit together. There is no need for conflict because surface disagreements can always be resolved by finding what you have in common and constructing a solution from that.
Find the place where your words and feelings line up #relationships #quote #marriage Click To TweetMAUDE: What are the most important things we base our decisions and interactions on? What is most vital at the core of all our relationships? The answer is the same: the meanings and values we choose, exhibit in our actions and choices and base our relationships on. These are our core values, the deeply felt truths arising from our innermost being, and they become the principles that we live by.
Globally, we are in many ways at a crossroads on the path toward common values. Will we choose a path of love and consideration of the good of the whole in relation to our personal good? Can we find a way to support and protect individual freedom without putting it before the well-being of others? Can we find a way to express healthy acceptance of diversity and difference?
The perfect storm of the pandemic, coupled with global warming and the divisive political situations around the world offers us a stark stage upon which to reexamine and reconnect to our values, and to find creative methods to share them and spread them to a world sorely needing love and peace to manifest in people’s lives.
The pandemic is creating new ways of doing just about everything. This offers a great opportunity to infuse each of our actions with the values we wish to spread. We are all learning just how important our relationships with loved ones, family, friends and community are.
These are some of the challenges we all stand before in these tumultuous and transformative times. Phil and I feel that the cornerstone of change rests within each of us and the relationships we have and that peace can be attained and spread through those very relationships, the core values we base them on, and the art of finding mutual solutions.
To do this, it is important to get in touch with what your individual core values are, and how you reflect those values in your relationships with others. Take a deep look at them. Bring them forth into your daily consciousness and shine your light on them. Do these still really express what you feel are your chosen meanings and values? Do they need adjustment or expansion to resonate with today’s changing situation?
We can all be agents of change and peace. We each have a unique possibility to add our voice to the chorus. We enjoin you to be active in spreading peace one relationship at a time.
Photo credit: Maude Mayes
Hey, Maude, thanks for this matched values reminder. It gives me another way of allowing the crust of my 10 years-deceased husband’s disapprovals and disappointments with mine (and mine with his) to dissolve. Loyalty to our separate values and instincts went deeper than we could communicate to each other. The After-Pandemic-Time (APT) is giving me the opportunity to discuss this with our four adult children who (years ago, they tell me now) digested, derived, and dedicated themselves to the better of their parents’ values. And so it goes: on and on, on and on, on and on, forward into Light and Life. Peace to you and Phil.
I am so glad that you were able to derive value from this post and to apply it to your life. there is nothing that makes us happier. So good to hear from you!
Excellent post, thank you both for sharing your perspectives! Matching Core Values are super important in order to maintain a long term relationship.
My husband and I share about 90% of the same core beliefs ( the big ones like having kids, religion, and world view) but we diverge when it comes to money. We’ve found lots of ways around that though and it’s not as much of a rub as before.
Thank you for the thoughtful post, it was a great read!
Thank you for your intimate sharing. We are glad that you were able to relate to our post. In order to know that you share 90% of your core values you must be personally aware of what yours are and have shared those with each other. That is the biggest step in finding ways toward mutual solutions when they diverge.
all the best
I agree. Matching values are incredibly important to successful relationship building. I believe that is the core of his meaning when Paul admonished we not be “unequally yoked” in marriage in Corinthians.
Thank you Denise for sharing this. We can find statements of how important matching values are in so many different places. And yet, we so often forget to pay attention to this oh so important factor!