Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

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This week, we wrote about how empathy helps to make peaceful relationships possible. Here are some articles on aspects of empathy, Theory of Mind and mirror neurons.

Empathy: How to Feel and Respond to the Emotions of Others “Empathy has an important role to play in your life. First, it can strengthen your bonds with the people you interact with. As you try to understand others, you also make them feel heard and understood. They’re then more likely to take the time to empathize with you as well. This deepens your relationship and promotes that feeling of connection that all of us desire.”

Do Mirror Neurons Give Us Empathy? “Did you ever have that sensation where you’re watching someone do something—serve a tennis ball, say, or get pricked by a needle—and you can just feel exactly what they must be feeling, as if you were in their shoes? Scientists have long wondered why we get that feeling, and more than two decades ago, a team of Italian researchers thought they stumbled on an answer. While observing monkeys’ brains, they noticed that certain cells activated both when a monkey performed an action and when that monkey watched another monkey perform the same action. “Mirror neurons” were discovered. Since that time, mirror neurons have been hailed as a cornerstone of human empathy, language, and other vital processes.”

Teaching Theory of Mind and Perspective Taking “Theory of Mind is the ability to attribute mental states to the self and to others, and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, and perspectives different than one’s own. For a person who has developed a theory of mind, they will be able to understand that people’s interests are different – you might like sports even though I don’t and I might like hiking even though you don’t.”

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This week, we wrote about how your acceptance needs to go beyond the words to their deeper meaning. Here are some perceptive discussions on various aspects of listening.

We Are Using the Same Words, But Are We Speaking the Same Language? “… it becomes entirely clear that while we may all be using the same words, we absolutely positively are not speaking the same language. We use words to represent our thoughts, feelings and ideas in this culture, but the meanings that we attach to these words are always different for each person using them. We have different educations, memories, associations, experiences, traumas, preferences etc., and all of these differences affect the meanings and interpretations we attach to our words.”

12 Ways to Be More Understanding in Relationships “Understanding relationships is tough! Two people together, emotionally connected, and trying to navigate adulthood side by side is complicated. It gets even harder if there is a lack of understanding between those two people. The idea of understanding each other in a relationship seems simple enough on the surface, but it can be challenging to execute well. I hear clients often lament that they don’t feel understood or struggle to understand their partner.”

Listening to People Although this article is oriented toward businesses, it contains a great deal of wisdom. “It can be stated, with practically no qualification, that people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary aural skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening. For several years we have been testing the ability of people to understand and remember what they hear. At the University of Minnesota we examined the listening ability of several thousand students and of hundreds of business and professional people. In each case the person tested listened to short talks by faculty members and was examined for his grasp of the content.”

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This week, we suggested that you embrace the differences in your relationships. Here are some further articles on how to do that.

How to Stay Together When You Are Different From Each Other “The strongest relationships are the ones in which both partners can be themselves. Intending to change the other person or dramatically changing yourself to fit someone else’s ideals dooms couples to failure. When two people have beliefs or habits that differ too much, it creates friction. For example, if one partner is devoutly religious and the other is an all-out atheist, it might be difficult for the couple to find common ground on the way that the universe functions. When a neat-freak has to put up with the habits of a slob, there will be arguments. Opposites may attract, but they don’t always have staying power.”

How The Differences Keep A Relationship Together “When it comes to relationships, it’s easy to feel that like goes with like: people with similar interests, careers, backgrounds and life views are attracted to one another and stick together. Wrong. In fact, more often than not, it’s been argued that our differences make us stronger. Think about it: if we end up with people just like us, we won’t be exposed to new activities or ways of overcoming challenges. Our relationship won’t have quite so many nuances. And we won’t have to get out of our comfort zone.”

6 Reasons to Appreciate Differences With Your Partner “Differences are often what initially attract us to our partners. For example, a quiet introvert is sometimes attracted to an extrovert’s bubbliness, or someone who lacks confidence is attracted to someone who has it in abundance. Over time, these differences can cause conflict in relationships. (See here and here for some examples of the research.) But following are some quick thoughts and examples to get you thinking more strongly about the ways in which it’s a positive to have a partner who has different traits and strengths than you.”

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This week, we wrote about how humans are a cooperative species, and so we should be grateful for each other. Here are some articles about friendship, loneliness and cooperation compared with competition.

Why Your Friends Are More Important Than You Think “Researchers and philosophers have explored in great detail the emotional dramas of love and family. But they’ve spent much less time pondering the deep satisfaction of a good friend. A similar thing happens in our own lives, writes science journalist Lydia Denworth. When something’s gotta give, it’s often our friendships, which take a backseat to our family and work obligations—or our latest fling. But that’s a mistake, she argues in her new book.”

The Impact of Social Isolation on Mental Health “Social isolation involves being cut off from contact with others. This can involve physical isolation but also refer to feeling emotionally disconnected from social interaction. People can become socially isolated both intentionally and unintentionally. While levels of social contact can vary over time, extended periods of social isolation can harm mental and physical well-being. Isolation has also been connected to a greater risk for medical conditions such as heart disease, high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and reduced overall longevity”

Competition or Cooperation? Understanding Human Behavior in Economic Analysis “Anybody familiar with economics, particularly with how economics is taught, will know full well how self-interest constrained by competition is regularly championed as a general recipe for progress. However, the complexity of the real-world seldom matches the simplicity of this recipe. Indeed, many situations require a concern with the interests of others, and of cooperation rather than competition. The fact that human behavior is guided by cooperation and concern for others would hardly be a revelation to the average person. So why isn’t such an obvious truth more evident within most economic analysis?”

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In this week’s blog, we asked if you show love and respect in your relationship. These articles cover different aspects of this very important aspect.

The Importance Of Tone “Several weeks ago, I was editing together some video footage for a home movie and was surprised to discover how irritated, negative, and just plain mean I sounded when talking to my wife. I remember most of the interactions that were filmed but not any of the feelings I was quite clearly projecting.”

It’s not what you said, it really is how you said it, new study finds “There’s an old phrase that couples often use when something one partner says spawns an argument — ‘it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.’ Though some may just see the phrase as an excuse, there may be some truth to it as far as marital success is concerned.”

Why ‘It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It’ May Be the Best Relationship Advice “‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’ I know my husband and I have uttered this cliché phrase in multiple exchanges, and it’s become the one thing in our marriage that we strive to work on the most. Here’s why: When the content of what’s being said isn’t offensive, but the way it’s spoken is hurtful, it’s easy for an offhand comment to turn malignant. And that’s a problem.”

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