Reading Corner

Links related to the weekly posts.

 

By Posted on Posted in Core Values, Reading, Relationship differences, Relationships, Successful Relating No Comments Tagged with

This week, we wrote about why it’s important to look beyond relationship differences to your own reactions. Here are some articles that write about the different outcomes between reacting and responding.

Reacting and Responding Are Different—And Experts Say One Is Much Better for Relationship Health “If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I wish I would’ve said X instead of what I actually said,” you might be familiar with the concept of reacting versus responding. Similarly, if you’ve wished that a loved one were more thoughtful about what they said and how they said it, you likely (albeit, perhaps just subconsciously) wish that they’d responded instead of reacted.”

React vs Respond “Let’s talk about reaction versus response. Some people use the words synonymously but to me there’s a world of difference. A reaction is instant. It’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind. When you say or do something “without thinking,” that’s the unconscious mind running the show. A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do or say. A reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. It might turn out okay but often a reaction is something you regret later.”

Difference Between Reacting and Responding “Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are in an eerily similar situation as the past? Last week my wife Lynn got pretty mad at me for the same reason my ex used to—saying something insensitive. This time, I responded differently and the outcome was a lot better, which caused me to reflect on the difference between reacting and responding.”

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By Posted on Posted in Peace, Reading, Relationships, Successful Relating No Comments

This week, we asked what is peace in a relationship and how can it change the world? We’re pleased to offer a number of recommendations on attitudes and actions to take.

9 Simple Ways To Create A More Peaceful Life “Living in peace is about living harmoniously with yourself, others, and all sentient beings around you. Living in peace is both an outward and an inward process. Outwardly, it’s a way of life in which we respect and love each other in spite of our cultural, religious, and political differences. Inwardly, we all need to search our hearts and minds and understand the fear that causes the impulse for violence. In continuing to ignore the rage within, the storm outside will never subside.”

The Golden Rule: The Path Way to Human Right and World Peace “We are living at critical moment in our history, a time when humanity must choose its future. Our world is experiencing a fundamental global crisis: a crisis in global economy, global climate change, global degradation of values, and respect to all human right and life forms. This entire global crisis is a crisis which we all share in common. It is not only a problem of a certain country or region but it is a problem of all humanity. To solve this global problem we need a global solution. Each and every one of us needs to be part of the solution by taking our own personal action as the world can only change when we change ourselves. If everyone does his or her part, together we can accomplish our common dream which is a better and peaceful world in which all humankind can live in peace and harmony along with nature and all other living beings.”

10 Ways to Spread Peace and Kindness “…your influence upon others around you; how what you put out into the world takes root in others and spreads. This phenomenon is called social contagion. Basically your emotions and behavior are picked up by others and can be imitated, felt, or copied. We have all had the experience of being lifted up by someone’s positive energy or weighed down by someone’s complaints or hostility. As social beings, we feel and are influenced by the energy of those around us. So, this causes me to ask, “what energy are you putting out into the world?” What influence are you having on someone else’s mood or day?”

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This week we said that how you make decisions and find mutual solutions is a pattern for your relationships. Here are some people who have enumerated important factors in a healthy relationship.

8 Keys to a Strong Relationship “So what makes a relationship strong? Is it all about trust? Sexual satisfaction? Or something else? To help answer this universal question, researchers used machine learning to examine relationship variables in 11,196 couples during a 2020 study. They found that, above all, feeling your partner was committed to the relationship for the long haul and how appreciative you are of your mate were the largest predictors of relationship satisfaction.”

9 Qualities of the Most Successful Relationships “In working with couples for more than four decades, I have been able to observe how committed partnerships are influenced by society’s changing definitions of what a quality relationship is. But despite those changing mores and values, I have also witnessed that some characteristics of successful relationships have remained constant independent of those influences.”

Think you’re in a healthy relationship? Couples therapists share 10 must-have qualities for long-lasting love “In a healthy relationship, both you and your partner feel connected to each other and are satisfied with how the relationship is going. That may sound obvious, but an estimated 40% to 50% of marriages, in particular, in the US end in divorce. So establishing a healthy relationship is often easier said than done. There are many factors that make up a healthy relationship, like commitment and trust, which can help you navigate problems and stay together. Here are 10 signs that you’re in a healthy relationship.”

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This week, we wrote about why fairness and trust are so important to your relationships. Here are two more view on this topic, and another one from us.

Trust in a Relationship: Why It’s Important—and How to Build It “Building trust between you and your partner is fundamental to a successful and healthy relationship. That’s because trust goes hand in hand with essential components of a relationship, such as honesty, open communication, vulnerability, and respect, making it of paramount importance. “Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Lack of trust can sabotage a relationship before it begins,” says Reena B. Patel.”

Avoid Making Lists and Keeping Score in Your Relationships “The ease during our lock-down reminded us that we don’t behave like many couples do: making lists and keeping score. We don’t have an internal accountant maintaining a balance sheet tracking what we have each done in order to maintain fairness. We just don’t do it at all; it doesn’t even come up. Let’s take a look at why, and how this can be avoided.”

Is Your Relationship Fair? “In real life, do both partners really care about fairness? We all probably all know at least one long-suffering martyr who has been persuaded to feel obligated to some ungrateful mate. Not to mention, the media often portrays dating couples and relationship partners more like predator vs. prey than as complementary collaborators. So, what’s the truth here? Are people fair or selfish in their romantic relationships? Does it really matter? And if it does, what can we do about it?”

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This week, we wrote about why it’s important to show gratitude and give thanks in your relationships. There are a number of very interesting studies showing positive results from expressing gratitude.

Gratitude: the simple way to make your relationship better and happier “Research studies have found that people who focus on things they were grateful for feel better about their lives, more optimistic and experience health benefits compared to those who looked at their daily irritations or just recall events that didn’t affect them positively or negatively. Gratitude helps people experience positive emotions and get even more pleasure from good experiences. Importantly expressing thankfulness helps people deal with life’s struggles more positively, it can even be a great coping mechanism. There are physical benefits too: better health, sleep, increased energy levels, easing of depressive symptoms and more.”

Why It’s Important to Give Thanks in Your Relationship “Wood et al propose that gratitude is important to a relationship not only because it fosters positive feelings between partners, but also because it recognizes the importance of your partner as a “person.” In the Strong Relationship Model (SRM), the underlying framework of the research, when you acknowledge what your partner does for you, this reinforces the idea that your partner is more than an object—not just someone who is there to satisfy your own needs and wishes.”

Giving thanks can make you happier “With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. In the process, people usually recognize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, being grateful also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals — whether to other people, nature, or a higher power. In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”

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